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Original poster

Steve is going into the hospice this afternoon

983 replies

onlyjoking9329 · 11/02/2008 12:48

i know he needs to be there and hopefully they can get him more stable.

OP posts:

ShinyDysonHereICome · 27/02/2008 23:29

You and you alone know what's best for Steve and what he needs Jo.

Hold on to that, be strong and be selfish on his, your own and your children's behalf xx

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/02/2008 23:31

It must be hard to let go of your children though, even when they do reach adulthood. And no-one expects to consider that they may outlive their child.

I would imagine she is jealous, and guilty and feeling helpless. Maybe you are doing such a good job of being a carer, that she really does feel like a spare part, and doesnt want to get in the way, hence visiting more when in he was in the hospice. Who knows. But, with everything that you have to deal with, you could do with one less battle, couldnt you?

I'd not listen to friends passing on second hand comments, they may not have got it in the spirit it was meant. And remember, us mothers always think we know best, eh?

Ring the hospice and confirm that his family arent going to be there, just to reassure yourself.

yurt1 · 27/02/2008 23:34

OJ -Steve's mum has always been a nutter. Do you have access to counselling (I know you probably don't have the time now) - I think they could really help you deal withy the problems she's causing.

hugs

Original poster

onlyjoking9329 · 27/02/2008 23:42

i am not expecting her to let go of her son but throughout all of this i am always the one that phones her to update her, i have never wanted to or tried to exclude her but whenever steve is in the hospice she never phones me she never asks how the kids are and that hurts. she is hurting i know that but she won't talk to me, she said today that steve has more colour in his face so must be getting better, she won't talk to steve about the overdose she will talk about gardnening or anything else really which is ok but she doesn't allow steve to say how he really feels and cos all the stuff in his head is not visable she can ignore it.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 27/02/2008 23:45

oh very difficult for all of you. Particularly you. She must be in awe of you, like the rest of us. It must be draining to have this to contend with on top of everything else.

Do what you can to make the journey a smooth one (even if perhaps she doesnt deserve it). Regrets are an awful thing to deal with in such circumstances. You are just the sort of lovely person to feel bad about such things so dont let her be able to do that to you.

PeachesMcLean · 27/02/2008 23:50

She's got big issues, hasn't she. The whole situation she left her kids on when they were younger. But knowing that doesn't help you. Just another thing to deal with, I'm sure you could do without it.

Hello by the way. I haven't posted on your threads before but have read and think about you.

Original poster

onlyjoking9329 · 27/02/2008 23:55

not once has she ever said this is what steve wants to be at home how can i make this happen how can i help to get him what he wants?

OP posts:

ShinyDysonHereICome · 27/02/2008 23:57

In my Dad's final weeks and months my step-mum went into avoidance mode as her way of coping. She was hardly ever at the hospital citing needing to be at home with my younger siblings, things to do etc as I think she was slightly in denial/finding it all too painful.

I don't think I properly understood until after Dad died

I however, couldn't leave his side.

Different people have different ways of dealing with it, but this seems to be part of her character from what you've said.

MarsLady · 27/02/2008 23:58

oj my angel. Stop beating yourself up because she's in denial. We all grieve in such different ways. You do what is right for you, Steve and the kids.

I don't know that she would change the way she's behaving/acting.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/02/2008 00:00

The hospice will help you. They are full of great people. They'll understand his needs and wants, and know how tough things are for you too. They'll do their very best for you, I'm sure.

I'm not defending his mum, btw, just in case it seems that way. Just, sometimes, if you understand why someone is behaving a certain way, it can lessen the effect of their behaviour on you, because you know it is coming from a place that isnt bad, iykwim? Then all you feel is pity or sadness for them.

WendyWeber · 28/02/2008 00:24

OJ, I didn't know before about her abandoning Steve and his brother at 14 - 14, jesus, what a vulnerable age! - she must be full of guilt now about that, you know - but denying it to herself of course.

Listen, darling, whatever crass and unhelpful things she says and does now are all about her and her feelings - not about Steve, not about you, just about her. As you've said, she wasn't able to cope with him for just one day when she had the chance recently, but had to bring him back early. What she says and what she does are 2 different things, and we are not the only people to be aware of that.

Please don't let her get to you, please don't mind about what she says, you are bigger than that and better than that.

XXX

ZacharyQuack · 28/02/2008 05:05

Thinking of you and Steve, OJ. Wishing you both peace.

shabster · 28/02/2008 07:21

OJ - you almost told my DH story then about mums and being abandoned. My MIL (died last July) left 7 kids - youngest 3 and eldest 19 many years ago to be with another man. In the days when dads didnt get custody of children easily.

When she died last year my husband was heartbroken and also very angry. He ranted for days about how she had left them all.

Steve's mum will be feeling incredibly guilty but that generation didn't talk about things - or go for councilling - they just got on with stuff. As a bereaved mum I can understand why she is acting like that but it doesn't help you. Have you thought of maybe writing to her? Put your honest thoughts down and explain how you feel.

Thinking about you, as always, I'm getting quite brave coming back to post on here xxxxxxxxxx

bundle · 28/02/2008 07:28

oj, had no idea re: background (her leaving sons to grandparents to look after when they were teenagers, poor things ) - so obviously she does feel incredibly guilty atm as the end of Steve's life approaches she's reproaching herself and burying her real feelings.

obviously everyone has a different approach to this and her feelings should be acknowledged. however, as his main carer, her feelings should not override yours/your children's/Steve's, and your meeting on Friday is key to sorting out stuff you need to do for your famiily xxx

TimeForMe · 28/02/2008 07:40

Thinking of you Oj and sending you lots of love and strength to deal with the MIL! You keep your chin up and try to stay focussed on what really matters, You, Steve and the kids. I hope today is a better day for you xxx

LittleMissNorty · 28/02/2008 08:26

Just to say I'm thinking of you all today xx

Ignore the MIL and do what's best for your DH and your family. I'm pretty sure that's what Steve would want you to do...

trulymadlydeeply · 28/02/2008 08:26

Morning OJ. Just sending you love and strength for today.

XXX

WingsofanAngel · 28/02/2008 08:33

Morning OJ, just reading about your MIL makes me think she has a guilty conscience, and that is why she visits more when Steve is in the hospice. This is the time when 'other' people see her and has if you like has an audience.
I hope the meeting goes well tomorrow.

fortyplus · 28/02/2008 09:19

Hi OJ. My computer is mended at last - yay!

Just had a quick read of the most recent posts. The one that sums it up for me is:

By VeniVidiVickiQV on Wed 27-Feb-08 23:45:58
oh very difficult for all of you. Particularly you. She must be in awe of you, like the rest of us.

That's the thing, isn't it? She must be giving herself hell for being a crap mother and then she's got superwoman for a dil! It must make her feel ten times as bad to see how you cope despite everything.

Somehow you need to maintain a detachment in your relationship with her and try to understand that she behaves as she does because of emotional failings that you - with your stoic 'well you just have to deal with it' attitude - can't begin to get your head around. She walked away and didn't just deal with it and now she's paying a terrible price and directing a lot of her angst at you because you must be hard for her to come to terms with what she's done in the past. Your attitude is just a world away from hers and she's feeling totally inadequate.

She doesn't sound like a particularly lovely person, but actually what she's going through emotionally is probably horrible because there's so much guilt attached, whereas for you - however hard it gets - you know that you've done as much (some would say more) than is humanly possible.

Thinking of you all as always xxxxx

lucyellensmum · 28/02/2008 10:19

Sorry to disappear last night OJ after opening that can of worms - i was falling asleep at my putor (LEM is spending FAR too much time on mumsnet!). Your MIL sounds like my Aunt, how i haven't told her to fuck right off i'll never know. She tried to take over funeral arrangements when my Dad died, she didnt want him buried because "her family" are all cremated. I just quietly told her, well he's MY father and i will decide (im an only child). Thankfully, my mother has since told the interfering old bat to fuck right off, and she has, to AUSTRALIA !

Keep strong lovely xxx

lucyellensmum · 28/02/2008 10:22

I wouldnt have minded if she was his sister, but she is his sister in law!!!!! (and he couldnt stand the woman!!) Anyway, thats by the by - wishing you a quiet day today

lucyellensmum · 28/02/2008 10:24

VVQV, you are speaking heaps of sense, as usual - thats what i was trying to say, but couldnt find the words.

Kindersurpise · 28/02/2008 12:29

Sorry to hear that your MIL is adding to your problems rather than lightening your load.

When my Granny was dying all the family arrived and stayed with her for the weeks that she was in hospital. We have a big family and it was almost like a competition who would be there longest, who had the longest drive, who was there most often. I always felt that they were competing to be the one who loved her most.

Hearing about your mil reminded me of that. It is as if she is demonstrating to everyone how much she loves Steve. It seems to be about her and not about Steve, or you and the kids.

Try not to get pulled into it, you know Steve best, you know what he needs, he can rely on you. He cannot rely on his mother.

captainmummy · 28/02/2008 16:20

OJ - you are his next-of-kin. ANY big decisions should be made by YOU. The mother has no more say in it, she is no longer Next-of-kin once he's taken a wife.

No arguments.

(in an ideal world)

Thinking of you.

lilyloo · 28/02/2008 17:07

What a shame she can't pull together with you at this time OJ , my thoughts as always are with you.

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