I'm struggling with health issues so much I am considering suicide

[inigomontoyahwillcox]

Been having multiple issues for years now, doctors have only ever looked at each individual symptom (won't bore you with a list of them!), and never to the extent that I've had a real resolution to any of them - just learnt to live with them as best I can.

Recent months have seen a huge exacerbation of a couple of the symptoms. I'm awaiting a urology referral to investigate possible interstitial cystitis, attacks of which I've been having since Nov '19 - am currently mid-flare up, incredibly painful.

Also have an ENT appointment today as both my ears have intense pressure (and some pain) in them which is affecting my hearing and making me go loopy - had tinnitus in one of them for years, along with awful spasming in the same ear for a couple of years now - now both ears are monumentally screwed and I am terrified that the ENT doc is not going to be able to do anything for me.

I can't stop crying, constantly feel on the verge of a panic attack and am fantasising about just putting and end to it all by killing myself - but I have a wonderful 12yr old DD, and the thought of causing her pain is unbearable too.

I did get prescribed Nortriptyline for the UTI pain but I'm loathe to start it as I had a very scary reaction to an antidepressant a few years ago and felt suicidal, and with my current state of mind worry it will be what tips me over the edge.

I don't even feel I can advocate for myself as I am just so so exhausted - and I have an incredibly stressful job which makes things so much harder.

Sorry your pain is making you feel this way. Please call your GP today and discuss how you feel. Discuss pain management as well as your suicidal thoughts. Your DD will always need you, no matter what age.

Thank you Mimmi - I can hardly talk to anyone at the moment, especially on the phone, due to my ear issues - but I know I have to. I'm just in so much pain and am just so bloody scared of being on this downward spiral and nobody being able to help me.

I agree with Mimmi. It also sounds like you need to be signed off from work for a bit to get on top of all of this. I’m so sorry things are so hard and no one is looking at the whole picture.

Sending you hugs

Sounds terrible but try to clear your head and focus on your ENT appointment today and think about what you nèed to achieve from it.

Please do let them know how much this is affecting you and dont be fobbed off.

Hope you feel better soon.

Lots of GPS are using online consulations where you fill in a form. Tell them at the ENT consultation, they will be able to help you to talk to someone.

Unfortunately my GP is telephone only, at least initially. Think I'll probably break down at the ENT appointment, not the best use of their time, but this ear pressure is making me so claustrophobic I'm struggling to keep control of my emotions.

GP appointment get signed off and make a list of things you want to address with ultimately telling what you have written here. I feel your pain in terms of internal UTI issues. I take Amitriptiline and it does help. Sending love x

@Recruit2020 how were you when you started the amitriptyline? Did you get any side effects?

Could you type out a statement / letter for your ENT appointment? Then you’ll know you’ve told them everything you meant to and have a back up if you breakdown. Sending love too.

Yes I'll do that, good idea, especially as I can hardly string a sentence together. I've called in sick to work, there will probably be some significant repercussions for doing so as there's a big meeting this morning that I've had to send my apologies to, plus I'm having to cover some significant work with a tight deadline due to someone else going off on long term sick (people are dropping like flies at work). But I am at breaking point.

OP, what is your diet like?

It's reasonable but need to sort out portion control - I have put on quite a lot of weight over lockdown (all of my symptoms predate this) so need to get on top of that. I don't eat quite a few things as I'm intolerant to yeast (so excludes things like soy sauce as well as bread).

I've made an appointment to talk to the GP about everything from a holistic viewpoint rather than focusing on each specific condition - but it isn't until the end of the month, I did try for an urgent appointment but they're like hens teeth.

Has anyone got any experience with taking Nortriptyline? Did you have any side effects? Just really worried to take it.

Can you leave your stressful job or get signed off for a while to give yourself a break?

if the norytriptaline makes things worse, you can stop taking it. You have to try. At least your expectations for it are low, so you hopefully wont be too upset if it doesnt help too much, but I think you should at least try, as its got to be better than feeling this way

Op, I think if you tell the receptionists that you're experiencing suicide ideation as a result of everything you'll find they magic up an urgent appointment quite quickly.

Don't wait til the end of the month if you can help it. Do you have a close friend or relative who can make the call on your behalf?

I had horrendous bladder pain after 2 UTIs. I suffered for weeks feeling as if my bladder was full of hot coals and scurrying ants. I was peeing a few drops every few minutes. After (being fobbed off with) several courses of ABx I saw a consultant privately. After 3 days of low dose amitriptyline It was almost better and after a week it was completely better. It is brilliant for nerve pain due to prolonged inflammation.
Definitely worth a try.

How old are you OP? My symptoms were due to perimenopause (which can go on for years).

I'm the poster girl for HRT helping bladder pain.

How old are you OP? I had no menopause symptoms at at all so when my GP suggested Vagifem I thought she was crazy. But it's really helped.
I was genuinely suicidal with bladder pain. You have my sympathy.

I'm 43, and I have adenomyosis - so there may be a connection there I guess.

To be honest, the pain with that is bad (coming out of the other end of a flare up) but the ear issues are the thing I'm REALLY struggling with right now. Am currently sitting waiting for an ear test after seeing the consultant (who has no bedside manner at all!), just about to cry again as the pressure, distortion and pain in both ears is almost unbearable and I simply can't go on like this.

I will start the Nortriptalyne - I will, I promise (talking to myself here mainly).

You have my sympathies OP.

My health has taken a real turn for the worse over the last 2 years, in particular the last 12 months.

Over the last year I’ve only managed about 4 months in work (over three periods) and have been signed off sick in between those periods.

I’m also having some problems with my ears.

I’m not at the point you are but I know what it feels like to have health problems with no end in sight and seriously feel like my life as I knew it is over.

It’s really shit.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time op. Regarding your ear problems this sounds like etd which I also suffer from. Could it have been triggered by a cold/virus recently? I understand how horrible it is partly because it's relentless and just grinds you down. Ears are very slow to heal but things that might help are a steroid nasal spray such as Avamys, regular steam inhalations, chewing gum etc to open the tubes. Things that made mine worse were applying heat and trying to do the Valsalva, not sure why! Also in my case time has been the best healer - months, rather than weeks but it will eventually settle down. Sorry the ENT was unsympathetic, they've obviously not suffered themselves with these issues.
I also think you should push for an urgent Gp appt to discuss how you're feeling emotionally.

Thanks MrsMeg. I have been diagnosed with Endolymphatic (cochlear) Hydrops. Although I'm not entirely convinced it is that (or just that) as I'm getting pain in the ears and one of the ears I'm getting lots of spasms in (have had them for about 18 months, self diagnosed TTTS, but the ENT doc basically had no idea/ignored this symptom when I explained this to him). Am on betahistine and have steroid tablets to start taking too.

It's all vey odd and super distressing. The tablets seem to be exacerbating the UTI symptoms too - I can't bloody win! Haven't started the steroids yet as a) was shitting myself about side effects, I have a whole other thread about that and everyone's been very reassuring, but one of the main side effects is insomnia, and after not sleeping for more than 3 hrs a night for the previous few nights I wanted to get some sleep under my belt first. I did get much more sleep last night, so I think I'll get one more night of reasonable sleep behind me and then start them.

I've made an appointment to speak to the GP- but it isn't for about 2 weeks. I'll keep trying in the mornings to get an earlier one. I also want to speak to them about whether there may be some sort of condition that's causing all these things (there are many more symptoms/things I've been struggling with that I've not mentioned on here). Maybe something autoimmune like lupus.

Well yes think I've found out more about my ear problems from forums rather than the ent! Etd usually has a trigger ie virus, allergies or sinus infection etc so you'd probably be able to pin point that if so. You can also get itchy/tickly sensations deep in the ears too.

Don't know too much about Hydrops, but hopefully the medication will help if so. I was exactly the same with the steroids! Was in such a state with lack of sleep didn't dare take them incase they tipped me over the edge but think if you've had a few good nights of sleep that will be a major help, they also help with etd too so nothing to lose.

Do you also get tinnitus? Mine has been awful today, really fluctuates day by day. I have had the TTTS as well, but only briefly now and again, always in my bad ear. Worse when I've been trying to pop/clear my ears too much, put it down to aggravating my sensitive eardrum.

Hopefully the Dr will be able to run some more tests for you to look at any auto immune stuff going on.