I'm struggling with health issues so much I am considering suicide

[inigomontoyahwillcox]

Been having multiple issues for years now, doctors have only ever looked at each individual symptom (won't bore you with a list of them!), and never to the extent that I've had a real resolution to any of them - just learnt to live with them as best I can.

Recent months have seen a huge exacerbation of a couple of the symptoms. I'm awaiting a urology referral to investigate possible interstitial cystitis, attacks of which I've been having since Nov '19 - am currently mid-flare up, incredibly painful.

Also have an ENT appointment today as both my ears have intense pressure (and some pain) in them which is affecting my hearing and making me go loopy - had tinnitus in one of them for years, along with awful spasming in the same ear for a couple of years now - now both ears are monumentally screwed and I am terrified that the ENT doc is not going to be able to do anything for me.

I can't stop crying, constantly feel on the verge of a panic attack and am fantasising about just putting and end to it all by killing myself - but I have a wonderful 12yr old DD, and the thought of causing her pain is unbearable too.

I did get prescribed Nortriptyline for the UTI pain but I'm loathe to start it as I had a very scary reaction to an antidepressant a few years ago and felt suicidal, and with my current state of mind worry it will be what tips me over the edge.

I don't even feel I can advocate for myself as I am just so so exhausted - and I have an incredibly stressful job which makes things so much harder.

A short course of steroids will help.
Then you can follow up with the autoimmune investigation.

I sure hope so. And am feeling slightly hopeful that even if they don't help my ears, they might help the interstitial uti thing is that's going on too.

@MrsMeg1 re. tinnitus, I sure do. Really sorry you also suffer from it. Woke up with it in my left ear one morning in 2014, but learnt to tune it out relatively quickly and only noticed up until now when I thought about it (which is only when something/one reminds me of it). Had an MRI to check for an acoustic neuroma but all good. I was always rather proud of myself for learning to live with it as I've suffered from anxiety/panic disorder and some depression over the years so I expected it to send me over the edge. It's very high pitched, and sometimes so high it's almost out of range which makes it much quieter, but now it's been joined by another pitch which is much lower - like if your washing machine is on spin somewhere else in the house ... if that makes any sense whatsoever.

The TTTS didn't rear its ugly head until about 2019, did a bit of reading up on it and decided it was anxiety based so didn't really do anything about it - until now. It is horrid isn't it - I go through days when it hardly happens, and others when it hardly stops. And hardly anyone seems to know about it.

I've joined a forum for tinnitus/hyperacusis today and posted as it seems some others have suffered similar.

Hopefully, the routes you are taking will provide help, but another vote here for considering perimenopause if you don't find solutions. GPs don't understand perimenopause, but specialists such as Joanna Newson understand that perimenopause (the time leading up to a woman's menopause) can cause or exacerbate symptoms, and sometimes HRT can help. GPs only acknowledge the regular symptoms e.g. hot flushes, whereas there are very long lists of quite random symptoms suffered by women during this time.

For tinnitus google Joey Remini 'On balance' she has a facebook group, a book, various videos, and a programme you can do, all to help ongoing sufferers of tinnitus and also vertigo.

Good luck, thinking of you.

ps I didn't say that I have my own various random issues, some diagnosed some not, but one thing I get is that my insides flare up, getting gassy and creaky, I have bladder irritation and feel like I go to the loo, and my ears also feel pressure inside them - these symptoms come all together, and then pass all together. It's not as bad as yours (no ear pain, pressure is subtle and only lasts a short time), so I've never got help as I've decided it's a weird perimenopause thing and it's settled down a lot since I started taking iron and magnesium (may just be coincidence), and also since I stopped panicking about what it is (had reassuring MRIs and other tests).

*feel like I NEED TO go to the loo (not 'feel like I go to the loo')

Gah sorry it's Louise Newson not Joanna!

@SunglassesSeventy thanks for all the info, I'll definitely look her up. I am 43 so peri is definitely something to consider. Got a message from the hospital today saying they've cancelled my urology appointment and will send me a new one, which is really frustrating. Also having a super bad day with my ears after a reasonable one yesterday, the tablets I'm on are knocking me for 6 as well - and they're not supposed to be very bad side-effect-wise, I feel like I can't win.

I feel like I did after I came home from being in hospital with my pulmonary embolism - absolutely hopeless and incapable of anything other than lying in my bed, having mild panic attacks and just at rock bottom.

inigomontoyahwillcox I'm so sorry you feel that way. I was in that kind of state last summer when I got really ill. I honestly felt as you describe in your first post, I just wanted to end it at times. But I'm so glad that I didn't, I feel so much better now.

My issues were never properly diagnosed and still confuse and frustrate me, though I did get a diagnosis for part of what was wrong (I had a trapped nerve in my upper back / lower neck that was giving odd symptoms including dizziness and nausea). I didn't get any diagnosis for the stomach, bladder and ear thing though - that was never resolved, but eventually, it receded to a point where I could cope with it and where I didn't feel ill and bed-bound all the time. I also had panic attacks around that time (all related to feeling that I'd never be well again).

Try and hang in there, I'm sure that you'll get these issues sorted eventually so you won't always feel this way, even though that's difficult to imagine now.

You're describing me exactly - honestly can't see a way out of all this.

@inigomontoyahwillcox I’m so sorry that you feel like this. I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia after many years of weird health things. I personally feel that this is a woolly diagnosis that they slap on anyone with a variety of symptoms that don’t fit anything else, but it’s a start and I am still pushing. And pushing is the word because my experience these past few years have really been that you have to push with doctors when you’ve got something thats not obvious. Which I know is easier said than done when you feel like shit and are trying to juggle a busy life whilst running on fumes.

First step- get to your GP on an emergency appointment, get signed off for a while and tell them how you’re feeling and make it clear how desperate you’re feeling. You need referring to a specialist for the ears and the urinary issues too. Don’t take no for an answer, see more than one GP if you have to and don’t worry about seeming unreasonable- I think as women we do often worry about that with doctors but the truth is that you need to be bulshy sometimes.

Good luck.

Which I know is easier said than done when you feel like shit and are trying to juggle a busy life whilst running on fumes.

Exactly - I am so so exhausted and just debilitated that I have hardly got the strength to fight/advocate for myself.

So sorry that you feel like this OP. No advice other than to echo what other posters have said about taking time off work and writing this down for your doctors. Sending hugs

Do you have any teeth that have had root canal treatments? If so, it's worth going to the dentist and finding out if they have failed (a simple xray can show this). Root canal treatments don't last forever, and when they fail they often do so silently and start pumping terrible bacteria into your system, causing seemingly random and unrelated symptoms. I've been through it and my ailments all went away within 24 hours of having the offending tooth removed. This included things like brain fog, random pain, heart palpitations, sickly complexion, unexplained weight loss, exttemely low energy, even a breast lump.

Wow that's crazy @ThisMammaCat - didn't realise teeth could cause so many issues.

I've got a dentist appointment today as I wanted to see if I have TMJ disorder, which can cause a lot of the symptoms I've got and I am a known tooth grinder.

Hi inigomontoyahwillcox,

We know this thread has been up and running for a week or so now, and we can see that you've already been given a lot of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add some links to organisations which may be able to give you some help in real life too, as you've said you're feeling so low at times.

First of all, here's a link to our Mental Health resources. Please click on the link as there are many organisations listed which can provide you with some support. If you're feeling very low, you can contact the Samaritans, any time, by emailing [email protected] or by calling 116 123.

You can also get help from a new text service called Shout 85258. Its trained volunteers are available all hours of the day and night to listen and support you to get to a calmer and safe place. Shout is a free, confidential, anonymous service for anyone in the UK and it won’t appear on your phone bill.

Sending good wishes, OP. We really hope you're okay and that things start getting easier for you soon.

@inigomontoyahwillcox how are you now ? Xx