Did I overreact - re smoking in front of the kids?

[clary]

I wonder what others think about this.
I was at a 3 yo's party at the weekend and at one point all the kids decamped into the (small-ish) garden. At which point the mum of one little girl lit up a cigarette.
I spotted this and moved my child away from the area (unobtrusively I hope) to come and play with me elsewhere in the garden.
Mentioned it later in passing to the mum (of the birthday girl I mean, not the smoker) who said she didn't see there was a problem as we were all outdoors.
I was a bit surprised that anyone would consider it OK to smoke at a children's party. Could the mum not manage 2 hrs without a ciggie??
Sorry, of course many MN-ers will be smokers and I don't mean to call you (as we say where I come from); also I know there is a non-smokign support group here in fact I sort of know Fionagib and good luck to you all.
But I did feel it was a bit inappropriate. Or was I being some ghastly fussy mother???

I was told v. often as a child how "dangerous" and "bad" smoking is and how "it will kill you." Because I was a child, I had no way to put this information into perspective. I thought that if you sat next to someone who was smoking, you would die--maybe not that second, but soon. I was in knots of anxiety when I was in the presence of a smoker, and sometimes wept with fear.

As a result of the disproportionate anxiety I felt, I've decided to take a softer approach to smoking with my own kids. I tell them it's not a good idea to smoke, but I don't bombard them with that message, and I express neither anxiety or disapproval when someone is smoking nearby. Believe it or not, despite all the anti-smoking messages, and despite my childhood anxieties, I became a smoker! (I quit, though.) So I try to be relaxed about smoking, and can only hope that my kids won't become fixated with cigarettes, because that fixation can swing both ways, starting as fear and transforming into desire.

re the asthma thing, I know a man who smokes depite having severe asthma himself, but worse he smokes around his 2 children who have both been diagnosed with asthma (one very severely). Not good.

Message withdrawn

oh for goodness sake! you cannot protect your kids from the horrors of what us adults do forever. people smoke. your kids will see. at a kids party, i doubt they were the least bit interested... unless attention was drawn to it!

by the same token and interesting that pub gardens are mentioned... surely the evil drink should be hidden too... thats why kids are not allowed to sit at the bar in a pub, in case they see!!

i am an ex smoker and i would hate for anyone to come to my home to visit, at my invitation and then either tell them they cant smoke or not at least graciously provide an ashtray without making them sweat for awhile, desperate for a fag and then have to ask... i want them to relax in my home... afterall, i want them their for them, not for what they do. no, i dont especially like smoke in my house, but once in awhile, its a small price to pay for an enjoyable time.

certainly, being exposed to excessive smoking is not good, but a quick puff in a garden... c'mon, get real. ;)

Rosies, you are absolutely right that we "cannot protect your kids from the horrors of what us adults do forever". On the other hand my daughter is 5 and has no idea what smoking is. She never sees it, and I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible.

IMO it's not the same as being around adults who are drinking alcohol (as long as those adults aren't drunk), because there is no second hand alcohol fumes danger.

Maybe it's a cultural thing. I have to say it always takes me aback when I'm in England and I see people smoking a lot more often than here in the US. Especially in indoor places like airports and shopping centres. Even if there are designated smoking areas it doesn't stop the smoke drifting. Here all indoor public spaces are smoke-free.

Rosies, I hate people smoking in my house, and even if they come at my inviation it is still my house, if I want to keep it a smoke free zone then that's my right just as it's your right to allow them to smoke even if you don't like it.

It's everyone's right to smoke if they want to, but rights come with responsibilities, and I personally think that at a children's party the responsibility of the smoker is to make sure that children aren't affected by their smoking.

Just an opinion, guys, don't come back and shoot me

I have been struggling with stopping smoking and in most of the books ive read it says that because people do accept smoking, unlike things like herion and popping pills like its just a habit some folk choose to and some folk dont thats why teenagers try it, not realising nicotine is highly addictive and that first may have them hooked for years.
Most 12, 13, 14 year olds trying a fag dont honestly think they will be smoking into thier 30s, 40s 50s...
I still think whoever needed a fag, and this thread is so long I cant even remember who it was, should have went elsewhere.
No its not the end of the world, but it should have been done elsewhere.
I wouldnt let my kids stand directly in front of a car exhaust pipe inhaling fumes and neither would I smoke right next to them or let anyone else.
If we are at a train station and some sits next to us and lights up I move.
And when I did smoke I left my kids on the bench and moved away from them.
However all the people i know who smoke, smoke with thier kids sitting on thier knees, in thier cars, in thier kitchens with no ventilation, in the familys front room watching tv. I dont think they should but I keep my mouth shut and keep my own kids in the fresh air.
Just reread the original post...Dont think you were being ghastly or fussy at all!

I do feel a bit torn by the hospitality issue - I really want to be a good host, but not at the cost of myself and dh having an uncomfortable time because we do not like smoking in front of the children. In the past we have caved and let friends smoked. Maybe it is selfish of me but I wish they would respect our home and our preferences in the same way I would respect theirs.

i would say definately not after being a child of heavy smoking parents. i use to suffer from heavy nosebleeds from 3 to teens and my doctor recently informed me it was probably due to their smoking,

My house (and garden!) is a totally non-smoking area and I expect people to respect this when they visit, particularly as I am an asthmatic with cigarette smoke as a trigger - plus do not want my kids exposed to smoke in their own environment.

I used to allow smoking outside in the garden (complete with ashtrays!) but would still find fag butts in the garden, and many a time I would find the kids (when they were younger) picking them up and putting them in the mouths YUCK! Since then, NO-ONE smokes in my garden.

Fortunately, it's not really an issue as the vast majority of people we know are non-smokers anyway - and the smokers we have had to visit in the past insist on going outside the front anyway.

Not read whole thread but:

Don't think there should be smoking at a young child's party at all, no. IMO it isn't the appropriate place.

My home is completely no smoking. My family home was when growing up too. When little is visitorsa had to smoke they went in the garden. Not one complained, and they respected my parents decision. I now have an apartment so no garden. TBH the situation as never arose as none of my family/friends who visit smoke. But if they did I was ask them to only smoke out on the shared terrace - but only if other peope living on our floor didn't mind.

I also don't like to see people smoking in children's playgrounds and in the school plyground either though. Think it sets a bad example to impresionable children, and also can be a hazard. Who wants cigarette stubs all over the floor too?