Feeling really down about dh

[musica]

I hope you don't mind if I'm just a little self indulgent for a few minutes. I'm feeling really down, because of an ongoing thing with dh. I love him dearly, and we have a really happy marriage, but there is one thing which keeps causing problems. Since I got pregnant with ds, he has been really worried about me putting on too much weight, and this caused a lot of problems between us during the pregnancy. We had a lot of arguments. Then, I had problems initially with b/feeding and he got really into sorting that out - not for the benefit of ds but for me... so when I didn't instantly become a stick he got really disillusioned. Ds is 14 months, and I have lost weight, but I'm still a bit bigger than before I got pregnant. We were talking this evening about number 2, and he said "Well do you think you've recovered enough from ds..." - i.e. have you lost enough weight. I just feel really down and depressed. I've had eating disorders for much of my life and this just makes me feel like I'm worth nothing. Anyone else had this experience? I just feel like crying the whole time. Sorry this is such a 'me' posting.

musica, sorry haven't got any words of wisdom at the moment (3 glasses of wine after a week of abstemsion (sp?)), but don't feel bad about posting about you - you are as important as anyone else.

You should never feel like your worth nothing. You dont sound as if your huge. He should understand your body went through alot to become a mom. Some women take a long time to get back into the same size and some just dont after having children. I have never been able to get back to my prepregnancy weight. I know I need to try harder but dh understands and I'm probally much heavier then you. You should tell your dh that you may get down to that original weight or you may not but it shouldnt stop you from adding to your family or you may never have more little ones. With your past history of eating disorders your dh should encourage you in a positve way to lose the weight if that is what you want to do. If the disorder was do to trying to lose weight then you may lapse back into that problem if you have critisism or pressure from others. Good luck and I hope you start feeling better.

Musica, the first couple of years after a baby are hard. For you, your DH and your marriage. Try not to beat yourself up about it...comfort yourself with the fact that you're not the only one: I'm 3 stone heavier than before I was pregnant. Sorry if this isn't that helpful, just wanted to add support too. And if you've had eating disorders DH needs to understand that, sort out his attitude and change it PDQ, I'd say. If you're sure it is his attitude and not your interpretation of his words? Lots of sympathy though.

musica, i would like to second the excellent advice already offered here. this must be so upsetting for you - not to mention dangerous if this pressure could engender a return of eating disorders. could you sit down with dh and try and have a non-confrontational chat about how much it is upsetting you? do you think he could be projecting feelings of your relationship being threatened by the new arrival onto this one issue of your weight? do you want to lose weight - i mean for yourself and not just to please him? if so there are some excellent weight loss threads here on mumsnet. are you sure he means your weight when he asks you if you have recovered enough - since this issue has been so sensitive to you previously, perhaps you might be misinterpreting?

i agree with www - having babies/small children puts such a strain on even the strongest and most loving of relationships, so you're definitely not alone there.

don't apologise for posting about yourself - where would we be here if people didn't share their experiences! i do wonder if the fact you felt the need to apologise is indicative of generally low self-esteem, not surprising given the circumstances.

hope the above is some help, and that you reach an understanding with your dh on this soon. take care.

Musica, I feel for you so much. Is there any info that you could show your dh on eating disorders so that he understands more and backs off a bit? Having a baby changes our bodies so much, I'm not sure that we ever get back to where we were. I think it was Claire Rayner who said 'Grown-up people have grown-up bodies'

Perhaps your dh has other hidden feelings - being a parent suddenly means that you really do have to become a grown-up and that is something I've found v. scarey. I have to say that my dh has been a bit insensitive on this issue too - he so obviously found my size unnattractive when I was p/g and yet I have never felt more beautiful. Since he's made a few comments about having just had a baby so of course I will be fat when in fact I thought that I looked okay!

And don't worry about sharing your problems, that's what mumsnet is for!

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Whilst I too have had this problem, and still do to a certain extent, I thought that I would give you the views that my dh had. Although they are not the same as ours, they may go some way to you understanding your dh. They will never make sense to you or me, but then I don't think that men ever understand women, and vice versa.

After having ds, I was only about 7lbs over the weight that I was when I fell pg, but that was about 2 stone over the weight that I usually like to be, as I had needed to lose weight before falling pg. My dh obviously didn't find me attractive like that, and it caused some arguments. However, he explained it to me that he had married me a certain way, and although he still loved me the person, he didn't find my body attractive. It was upsetting for me at the time, and he admitted that it was shallow.

I think that men often feel this way, and it is the rare man who actually does not try to keep on to his young slim wife. Women love emotionally, and love their man for the person he is. Unfortunately, it seems to me that when men fall in love, it has some element of fancying the woman too, and those feelings are irrevocably intertwined.

This is not said because I empathise with how a man feels, but because I have sadly had experience of it. I don't know how you can change this, but don't let it affect you enough to fuel your disorder. My ds is 14 months too, and I know that I still have days when things feel too much for me, as you will see if you read my self-indulgent posting 'Cross with dh...'

Do you do many things just for yourself i.e. nights out with friends? That might make you feel more self worth. I have recently signed up for an evening class, and am really looking forward to it.

Re your dh, all I can say is, as others have, have a chat in a non-confrontational manner, and try to explain how you feel. If he is worth anything, he will try to understand. It sounds like he might be trying to help, but in the wrong way - men do that, as they hate having a situation that they can't control.

Sorry that this is so long, and I hope that you feel better soon.

Thanks for the supportive messages and advice - it's really nice to know I'm not the only one feeling like this. I think you're right, dh is the main one with the problem - we have talked about it, and he is trying to be sensitive. I guess I'm over sensitive about things to do with food and weight, and so it tends to flare up into arguments. Bossykate - I think it really is to do with weight, rather than some other issue, as he has always been concerned about this sort of thing, and I think you're also right re self-esteem. Chinchilla - thank you for your long reply - you did make me feel better, and I think you're right about the way men fall in love.

But thank you everyone who replied - I really appreciate you taking the time and trouble to reply.

Just to add that my dh was almost exactly the same ( falling over himself to sponsor me £20 a lb to lose weight!) and even when I'd lost a load and was on my target weight ( only 3 lbs more than when he married me - tho a little wobblier!) he made some comment about my body mass index being higher than his - this despite the fact that he'd previously to this commnet claimed to be overweight himself. IE I'd reached my target weight ( and I thought I was slim) and he thought he was fat - but that if we compared the body mass indexes his would be lower than mine!!!!!
This conversation took place on the phone - and I was incandescent with rage - I've always known that basically he doesn't fancy me when I put on weight ( ie when I'm a 14 not a 10/12...)but I just live with it - and get my positive body feed back from flirty comments from blokes at work - not ideal but it keeps me sane!
He did rush home from work ( immmediately not at 5pm) with flowers and great protestations of undying love ( meanwhile I'd been on line and had GREAT satisfaction in telling him how much lower my BMI was than his!!) and he was really contrite when he thought through what he'd said.
The problem won't go away completly because I can't 'make' him fancy me when I'm larger - but he is learning to be more sensitve to what he actually says.....
HTH
Bayleaf

musica,

I cannot add much more advice than you have already had. My DS was very similar in his attitude to my weight but very tactful. He would try and be encouraging and offer to do chores while I went to the gym... unfortunately the chores never got done. So it wasn't worthwhile for me to accept the offers.

He is always going on about the way I looked when we first met. This usually means my lovely size 10 ex-body, and long hair (another male obsession). Neither of which I have.

Now pregnant again, early days, but still size 12, he is slowly getting fat with me and no comments yet.

Musica - I too have spent the last six months (since the birth of my DD) losing the excess weight in an effort to go back to my pre-pregnancy size. I made it up to the last few pounds - and I'm stuck there now. But I'm happy with what I've done and I'm not going to beat myself up about a bit of extra flab.

HOWEVER, the thing that really helped keep me on track to lose all this weight was ... having a lot of the childcare and house work taken care of by my mother or DH. That meant I could actually go to the gym and so on. So if your DH is so keen for you to lose weight - why don't you say to him 'OK I'll do it but you need to help me out by taking the baby out/feeding/cooking etc etc' Only if you have some time to concentrate on yourself will you be able to be successful at weight loss.

I think it's a bit rich of husbands/partners to pontificate about our shapes from the comfort of their armchairs - they need to give us the time we need to take care of ourselves and if they don't well -- tough, we stay fat!!

By the way - I lost weight because I really wanted to - not just my DH. And I think no-one should have to try to lose weight just to please someone else.

Musica, grr, I think your husband is being unfair to you - he has the weight problem, not you.

Just out of curiosity, what shape is he in? does he need firmer abs for instance? if he keeps winging on about your old shape why not suggest you'd find him more attractive if he toned up.

I think I am going to go mad - dh has been a bit better lately, but this evening he has made me SO cross! He just goes on and on about how he is the only one trying to make us eat healthily (funny when I do the shopping and the cooking), and the only one trying to make us take exercise (I'm the one who books our sport each week)...this evening he asked me 5 times whether our tea was healthy - before, during and after - big time after - I feel so cross, angry, and also sad, because the only reason he goes on like this is because he thinks I'm not as slim as when we started going out (although I'm actually lighter than when we got married). To make matters worse, this month we thought we would try for no2, but of course this has sent him off on a "You're not going to put on weight during this pregnancy are you?". With ds I had months of him saying "Why aren't you looking after yourself? You can't be otherwise your tummy wouldn't be looking fat..." He's an intelligent guy - why does he make me feel so horrible?

Musica, haven't re-read this thread, just your new post. This sounds so unfair. Why is he always putting it all on you? If you are slimmer now than before you married do you think there's something else at the bottom of it? (no pun intended ) Don't have any other advice to offer, just sympathy. Will post more if I think of anything more constructive to say.

www - no, I think it really is the weight - when we started going out I was really thin (because I was anorexic at the time) and since then have had periods of not eating or eating very little, so have often been a lot thinner than I should be. But...he seems to prefer that, and whilst he makes me feel like never eating anything ever again, I wouldn't do that while pregnant or breastfeeding....so I feel really useless.

Thanks for replying - I'm glad it's not just me feels this is unfair!

Oh, I'm angry for you musica. Those kind of comments would make me put on weight deliberately, just to annoy him. Not sure why he says it, angry about something an directing it at you? Doesn't feel he's worthy of you so puts you down? Frightened about having another child? Confident people have no need to criticise others. I know you could suggest losing weight together etc but at the moment I'd want to punch him.

My dad used to pat my mum's stomach and say 'when is it due?' and my brother is similar with his wife. It's not on. And you tell him we all said so and we'll all come and punch him for you!

Musica, don't know enough about this and, whilst I'm happy to stand in a queue to punch him for you, wondering if there's some counselling service you could go to together to sort out his issues with weight etc. And they do sound like HIS issues but he cannot do this to you especially since you have had eating disorders. Is there a support group of some kind where you could go and he would learn more? Or should we just form an orderly queue? Just trying to think of a useful way of dealing with this. It's not fair on you and he does need to understand this.

musica, sorry to hear this has got no better. was trying to suppress this non constructive thought but...

... he's a perfect physical specimen is he? i'm sure he wouldn't like it if you turned the tables and started pointing out his "flaws".

sorry, that is not very constructive is it? i just get very angry when men display this really immature attitude to women's bodies.

musica, oooh, it could be a long queue

Sorry musica, posted my reply at same time you posted yours. But it does seem as though he is trying to control you a bit. If he prefers you looking 'thinner' than would be 'natural' is it because he thinks you may seem less attractive to other men? Could be way off here and sorry if none of this makes you look more or less attractive. I know of someone who prefers his wife without make-up and she is a liitle pre-occupied about her weight despite being extremely thin. He is also extremely jealous and I suspect he encourages her to not make the most of herself so that she is less attractive than she could be.

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Thank you all for your replies - I was really angry when I posted last night, and dh and I talked a lot - he is always very emotional and decided our marriage was obviously not working (because I got upset about his comments)....but we've come to a sort of solution - he is going to do the cooking. (He can't cook at all, so if nothing else then I should get thinner because his cooking has to be seen to be believed). But I do feel quite positive about this, because the thing that gets me really down is spending ages preparing a meal, and then spending hours ascertaining that it is healthy and not going to make me fatter.

Those of you who wanted to punch him - thank you! I often feel like that too. I do love him - apart from this, he is a lovely husband. He says he just cares about me, and wants me to be healthy, which is good. When it goes wrong is when he starts saying I don't care about my figure.

But what does being thin necessarily have to do with being healthy?.

Not a lot more to add, but bearing in mind the fact that you have suffered with anorexia in the past I think your dh needs a xxxxxx good kicking. What is he trying to achieve? The last thing you need is any pressure put on you about your weight.