Feeling really down about dh

[musica]

I hope you don't mind if I'm just a little self indulgent for a few minutes. I'm feeling really down, because of an ongoing thing with dh. I love him dearly, and we have a really happy marriage, but there is one thing which keeps causing problems. Since I got pregnant with ds, he has been really worried about me putting on too much weight, and this caused a lot of problems between us during the pregnancy. We had a lot of arguments. Then, I had problems initially with b/feeding and he got really into sorting that out - not for the benefit of ds but for me... so when I didn't instantly become a stick he got really disillusioned. Ds is 14 months, and I have lost weight, but I'm still a bit bigger than before I got pregnant. We were talking this evening about number 2, and he said "Well do you think you've recovered enough from ds..." - i.e. have you lost enough weight. I just feel really down and depressed. I've had eating disorders for much of my life and this just makes me feel like I'm worth nothing. Anyone else had this experience? I just feel like crying the whole time. Sorry this is such a 'me' posting.

musica, you don't think your dh has anoerexic tendencies? Men can suffer from anoerexia after all.

Well Musica I'm sure that he spent hours slaving to produce that culinary delight. Did he eat the same? And what about DS?

Lettuce leaves and melon really is pretty extraordinary - surely you were both starving after that?

musica, I'm really concerned - your dh needs to get a better understanding of what 'healthy' or even acceptable meals are if he is going to be responsible for feeding you and your ds.

I think tigermoth may have a point.

If your dh continues to produce food like that you'll both end up malnourished.

Seriously, you do need to try and get your husband to some sort of counselling. He has a problem and if he isn't very careful I think he is going to make you ill, probably both mentally and physically. Have you thought of joining weightwatchers, if you actually feel that you need to loose weight that is. It advocates serious healthy eating. Lots of fruit and veg and fibre and you can even have a drink. You would have healthy low fat meals. Take dh and let him listen, show him the books and leaflets. Anyone who thinks lettuce and melon is a meal,...... words fail me. Plese make sure that you are eating adequatley, esp with your previous problems, take care and if all else fails send him to susanmt amd me and we will sit on him very very heavily!

Thanks again for all your replies - you've all been really kind
about this, and I so appreciate it. When I've been talking to dh I
sometimes wonder if he is being reasonable and I've just missed
it..

I tried to post this last night, but for some reason it wouldn't
work, so I'll paste it in here.

I can't post for long this evening, so sorry I can't reply to all of
you personally, but Chinchilla, I just wanted to say that you are
right - if I was happy with the way I look then I wouldn't care
about his comments so much. One of the hardest things for me
about being pregnant and having ds was the weight thing, and I
was so determined to be sensible. In the past, if I felt like this the
answer was always to just not eat, or to take tons of laxatives,
or whatever madness I happened to be on. Now, while there is
any chance that I could be pregnant, or be about to get pregnant
with number 2, that isn't an option. So my control is gone.
Which leaves me feeling panic stricken at the situation. It's very
easy to turn a situation round to dh saying 'Please eat
something', if you don't care about yourself, but I do care about
ds and any future children, and so far this has kept me off any
stupid behaviour.

Susanmt - thank you too for your reply and advice - I do think
that's true - he met me in a different mental phase of my life - and
whilst I wouldn't say I was totally out of that now, I am obviously
much recovered, and therefore he does need to relate to me in a
different way. Something interesting about my dh is that he
remembers the first few months we were getting to know each
other as being really happy, and that I was really cheery and
positive, whereas I was actually extremely depressed at the
time!

Back to this evening - tigermoth - I think you're spot on about dh
having anorexic tendencies, or at least food issues - he was
very thin as a teenager and now, veers from loving cake and
stuffing his face, to not wanting to eat anything (because I might
and it might make me fat). He definitely has issues...(isn't that an
americanism?). Bozza, yes he did eat the same last night, but he
doesn't prepare the food for ds as he eats earlier, so he won't
enjoy the delights of dh's menus! Lilibet - thanks for your kind
wishes - and that goes for everyone.

Well I'm sorry this post has got so long - I guess it's because it's
two postings in one. I'd be really interested to know if there are
any other mums out there with any history of eds though - it
feels a strange position to be in, and might be worth starting a
thread on - what do you think?

Thanks again everyone!

Musica - I hope that your dh gave you other food as well as Melon and Lettuce? If not, all you ate was cellulose, water and a FEW vitamins! MAD man. That is not healthy eating.

Tell him that I lost weight on 1500 calories a day, and I only needed to lose a stone. You can have about 1800 a day and still lose weight if you have 3 stone or more to lose, as long as you exercise. I still managed to have chocolate and other treats, and always treated vegetables (except potatoes, sweetcorn and peas) as free calories. Also, fat free dressings for salads are free calories, which makes salad infinitely more appetising! You need to eat something which will keep your body satisfied until the next meal, and this means mentally satisfied as well as physically. So, if you like sweets or alcohol, it is good to have them in moderation.

He sounds like he has a big problem. I don't know if a diet club would be a good idea, because IME reputable ones will not take people who have suffered from food disorders in the past. However, you need to get him some idea of healthy and lower calorie cooking from somewhere. I suggest that a slimming magazine would be an idea, because they always have recipes that are low calorie or fat, but more importantly, healthy.

Good luck. I really feel for you, as I need to lose a few pounds again, and can't get the motivation going. Don't make yourself ill over this. Find a man like Susanmt's who will love you for yourself...

Susan - do you hire him out? I'll start the waiting list