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Original poster

Feeling really down about dh

58 replies

musica · 06/09/2002 22:04

I hope you don't mind if I'm just a little self indulgent for a few minutes. I'm feeling really down, because of an ongoing thing with dh. I love him dearly, and we have a really happy marriage, but there is one thing which keeps causing problems. Since I got pregnant with ds, he has been really worried about me putting on too much weight, and this caused a lot of problems between us during the pregnancy. We had a lot of arguments. Then, I had problems initially with b/feeding and he got really into sorting that out - not for the benefit of ds but for me... so when I didn't instantly become a stick he got really disillusioned. Ds is 14 months, and I have lost weight, but I'm still a bit bigger than before I got pregnant. We were talking this evening about number 2, and he said "Well do you think you've recovered enough from ds..." - i.e. have you lost enough weight. I just feel really down and depressed. I've had eating disorders for much of my life and this just makes me feel like I'm worth nothing. Anyone else had this experience? I just feel like crying the whole time. Sorry this is such a 'me' posting.

OP posts:

Bozza · 01/10/2002 10:18

Certainly being "anorexic thin" is not healthy. Does your DH realise this Musica? Does he not understand that you were ill when you were that size?

ionesmum · 01/10/2002 12:13

Musica, I'm in the queue, too! How can your dh want you to be healthy when what he actually wants is you to be ill again???? My stomach looks like a deflated beach ball and I don't think it will ever be flat again. For goodness' sake, we've had BABIES! As I said before, grown-up peopel have grown-up bodies. It really sounds to me like there is something else going on here; he sounds obsessed. Could it be that by wanting you to be thin he's trying to recapture how things were before you had responsibilities? Of course you should put on weight when you are pregnant. Have you tried showing him info on eating disorders? Maybe he has one himself??

tigermoth · 01/10/2002 13:10

Can I throw a very unhealthy custard pie at him, musica? His attitude is not on. It really sounds like he has a problem and is being far too controlling. Before you met, did he have stick thin girlfriends?

spacemonkey · 01/10/2002 13:19

Musica, just want to add to the list of people wanting to punch your dh! I know I would feel destroyed by that sort of attitude from my dp. It really isn't on and I hope you do realise that it is your dh that has a problem, not you. I have a pretty manky body after 2 kids and I feel insecure enough already about it without comments like that - honestly, I would boot him out if he ever acted like that towards me! We all deserve to be loved for what's between our ears and in our hearts, and if a man is so shallow as to think that appearance is more important he is a pretty sad specimen. Sorry to sound off, but it really makes my blood boil for you!!! Good luck, I do hope you both manage to sort this out.

prufrock · 01/10/2002 13:58

Musica I wouldn't normally queue jump but now I want to. Could it be that having a thin, and therefore in his eyes beautiful, wife is something he needs to be confident in himself. You sound far too intelligent to be a trophy so he should stop treating you like one.
If he is a generally emotional guy would he accept some counselling to sort this out -you don't have to present it as help to sort out "his" problem (althiugh it definately is his problem not yours)

Bozza · 01/10/2002 14:09

Musica - keep us informed how it goes with your DH doing the cooking. From what you say I think we could be in for some amusing anecdotes.....

bundle · 01/10/2002 14:24

musica, I'd missed this posting until today! and yes, I want to punch him too. When he says he wants you to be a certain weight/shape he isn't thinking of your health at all IMO, rather he's controlling you. this would be bad enough, but given your history of eating disorders, it's downright irresponsible.
ionesmum mentioned Clare Rayner - I saw her recently and told her she looked fab at 70 - she said it was all down to the flab - "plumps out the wrinkles, dear, you don't want to be skinny & old!"
life is about balance - eating healthily yes, but having the odd piece of chocolate or glass of beer helps keep you happy & therefore healthy. researchers have shown that mice who are fed on a diet with only 2/3 the normal number of calories did live longer than those on a normal diet...but were they happy???? can't wait to hear about the recipes! yum yum

Original poster

musica · 01/10/2002 14:31

Thanks everyone - I feel much cheered! I will also keep you posted about what he comes up with for our meals....let me tell you now that he has made 3 meals for me in the time I have known him (8 years since we first met, married for 4) - one was beans on toast, one chicken stir-fry (but with chicken stuck to bottom of pan to give attractive black colour) and one which was a plate with corned beef, apples, bread and raisins...so I'm looking forward to some really top quality cordon bleu.

OP posts:

bells2 · 01/10/2002 15:42

I bet he doesn't manage to cook for more than a couple of days before handing the kitchen back to you. It seems to me that when you get to around 35 you need to choose between your bum and your face.... my choice is obvious to all!

bayleaf · 01/10/2002 19:11

Musica I really do sympathise - as I said before my dh has very similar tendancies - It is UTTERLY selfish and yet they just don't seem to get it do they? AT my lowest ebb my closest friend told me that when her mother was pregnant and asked her husband for help getting out of the bath ( towards the end) he refused as he said she looked so gross that he didn't want to see her naked!!!
Well after that dh seemed almost considerate! But her point was that in most ways he was a very very good dh - and they are still together and happy - but he had this one horrible selfish blind spot and didn't realise how hurtful he was being. At least you're talking about it and not just being incredibly hurt and angry but unable to communicate. Hopefully thru' his lousy cooking he will come to be grateful for yours!

sobernow · 01/10/2002 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chinchilla · 01/10/2002 19:42

I think that Sobernow is right. The fact that your dh fell in love with you when you were suffering from a mental illness might mean that he needs to feel needed, or likes to be in control. Either way, it is not healthy.

To a certain extent, as I have said before, I can understand the male opinion on weight (as my dh is similar), as they are bombarded with images of slim women everywhere, and told that this is the way that attractive women should look. (So are we for that matter!) It is the rare man who lusts after Dawn French rather than Kylie Minogue, despite the fact that Dawn is a funny, beautiful, intelligent woman. It is a sad fact that women would usually go for personality (and looks if attached to the personality) rather than an attractive empty shell, but some men like to have a slim woman on their arm.

I do know exactly how you feel Musica, as I have been there and am currently wearing the T-shirt. I cannot offer a solution, but would hesitantly suggest that you are so unhappy about your dh's comments because you are unhappy about your weight too? Having suffered from Anorexia, I am not telling you to go on a diet, merely to try to come to terms with yourself, so that you can deal with your dh's problems in your own head. It IS his problem, but I feel that us lining up to hit him is not the solution! Have you discussed Relate?

susanmt · 01/10/2002 20:13

I have the husband who lusts after Dawn French rather than Kylie!! Any offers ??? (Thought I could get a good price for him here!!)
I think chinchilla has really hit something when she talks about your dh falling in love with you when you were unwell.
I hope nothing I say here makes you offended, or maybe I have totally misread the situation, but I'd like to tell you a little about my experience with relationships and a (different) illness.
When I met my dh I was seriously depressed, although didn't realise it at the time. One of the best things he did for me was to help me recognise this and to encourage me to get help. But when, after the counselling and the drug therapy and the hospitalisations and the ECT I did finally make a great recovery, we discovered we had to rewrite our relationship all over again, because we had been very unbalanced, him looking after me and no vice versa!
It took us a lot of discussions and some counselling together to come up with this and to solve the problem, and he knew I had got it sussed when I asked him to marry me!
He has been great since and a stupendous help with the postnatal depression which has haunted us for the last couple of years.
Would your husband think about having some counselling together? It sounds a bit like the balance of your relationship needs to shift a bit in order that you can function as equals.

Chinchilla · 01/10/2002 21:12

I have just realised that my posting made it sound like I had suffered from Anorexia. What I meant was, as YOU have suffered, no-one would advise you to go on a diet...sorry if I have confused anyone!

Susanmt - lucky thing. It would be wonderful to have a man who would not say 'I don't want to be encouraging you to eat chocolate' like mine does! Mine has been having little digs lately about my weight. I finally told him that if he had a problem to tell me straight. He said that the comments were only 'jokes', but went quiet when I told him that my new jeans were actually size 10!

I'm not Kylie, Britney or Jennifer (his fantasies), and think that those body shapes are incredibly difficult to maintain. Having said that, my sex life would be much better if I were that size! Question is, do I want that bar of chocolate or sex???? That's another thread!

Bozza · 01/10/2002 21:17

Bar of chocolate I think Chinchilla. o)

Bozza · 01/10/2002 21:18

Meant that to be

lilibet · 01/10/2002 21:28

I was 8st when I got married,17 years and three children later I was 10 stone and my husband told me he wouldn't have sex with me again till I did something to make myself attractive! I got to 11 stome and left him! I wonder if I look thinner from a distance??!

Chinchilla · 01/10/2002 21:32

LOL Lillibet! Perhaps I should always stand 10 ft away from dh! Bit difficult to have sex from that distance I suppose!

WideWebWitch · 01/10/2002 21:34

lillibet

sobernow · 01/10/2002 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2 · 01/10/2002 22:29

lilibet and sobernow - dead funny, am sitting here having a good giggle.

susanmt · 01/10/2002 23:07

10 st lilibet!! how fat!!
At my heaviest I kid you not I was double that and the sex was still great! Do I have the most understanding dh in the universe?? (well I think I do!!)

Tinker · 01/10/2002 23:11

sobernow - were you married to lilibet?

sis · 02/10/2002 10:30

musica, I've probably missed something that has already been posted but are you clear about what your dh means by 'healthy' meals? Is it just a euphemism for low calorie (which isn't necessarily, balanced and healthy) or does he mean a nutritionally balanced meal?

I ask the question because my dh often uses words to avoid saying what he really means and I get really annoyed as we end up talking about different things! If your dh wants you to eat low cal food then he should be clear about it so that you can tell him why it is inadvisable - but noone is going to say that it is inadvisable to eat 'healthily'!

Original poster

musica · 02/10/2002 11:28

Sis - healthy in my dh's eyes is low cal. For example, last night was his first night on cooking and he produced lettuce leaves and melon. Which I do like...

Sorry this is short - I wrote a long post last night but it wouldn't post and I'm at work now, so I'll post it when I get home.

OP posts:

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