Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

General health

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

if you were going to die, would you want to know or not?

116 replies

onlyjoking9329 · 02/09/2007 17:50

why?
what would be good about knowing?
what would be bad about knowing?

OP posts:
geekgirl · 03/09/2007 07:28

I wouldn't want to know.

My mum has terminal cancer and it is / has been dreadful so far, for all of us. She cries all the time because she is so scared and angry and helpless.

All our affairs are in order anywhere, wills made, guardians appointed, life insurance sorted.

I used to think it would be better to know, but at the moment I find the thought of knowing utterly terrifying.

RubyRioja · 03/09/2007 07:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fortunecookie · 03/09/2007 07:54

I am also so sorry to hear that you are going through this, oj & martianbishop! wishing you all much strength and courage.
xx

Oenophile · 03/09/2007 08:27

Dear OJ, poor you, poor Steve. A horrible situation.

My own feeling is that the human mind can't cope withut some hope, and if he is sometimes in the mood to plan a holiday or other future event, then I would gently go along with it, however much of a "dream" it is - we all need dreams, don't we, and regularly happily plan for things we know in our heart of hearts will never go ahead.

It sounds as if he can't really take in the situation anyway due to his physical/mental problems (poor him, this is so horrible) so I think there is little point in keep 'correcting' him to cause short-term realisation and distress. I think you think that too... trust your own heart and what feels right at the time.

fortunecookie · 03/09/2007 08:33

Good advice, Oenophile. Spot on.

WideWebWitch · 03/09/2007 08:33

I think I'd want to know.
When my dad was dying though he had some hope, right to the end. Now I look back at photos he was obv v v ill but at the time our minds just blocked it out, my sisters and I convinced ourselves he looked absolutely fine.

Hugs to you OJ and MB.

gess · 03/09/2007 08:41

misdee- click on books then books for siblings- they're there

Ah I'm sure we'll make a meet up some time OJ. Do you have enough DP's to cover the October 1/2 term? Bad timing from your MIL (she;'s good at bad timing with going away- was this pre-booked?)

mummydoit · 03/09/2007 08:44

OJ, did you know that there is a Macmillan Cancer Support website and it has a discussion group? You might find some support there from people in a similar position. I've visited a couple of times and got some lovely messages of support from people with relatives with the same type of cancer as DH and Dad. Just be aware it can go both ways - there are some positive, inspiring stories but there are also some who don't survive more than a few months so you need to be feeling strong to face those.

onlyjoking9329 · 03/09/2007 11:32

i am going with the not telling him unless i have to.
i have found and joined the macmillan board so thanks for that. in some ways it is easier to use the WWW cos nobody can see the state of me

OP posts:
RubyRioja · 03/09/2007 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HorseyWoman · 03/09/2007 19:30

Absolute resounding NO. My husband and I both agree on this. I want to live a normal life and to be as blasé about death as possible. I have a minor fear of dying, but imagine it to be a long time off. When I think about how long I have til I get to actual old age, it makes me really sad, because I think about dying. And I used to be scared I had all these illnesses which made me more frightened.

Having said that, I can see that knowing you have so long left would be beneficial, as it's like telling you how long you have left to live your dreams. At the end of the day, we WILL all die, but it's a case of when. And if that is the case then shouldn't we live our dreams every day? Be happy with one-another and tell each other how we feel?

I'd rather not know, though, that's for sure. It would be like waiting for your head to be chopped off or something.

I should say, though, that my husband and I both have Wills and all our affairs are kept up-to-date; we have no children, so I am taking a purely selfish view of this right now. When I have children, my view may change.

We have had two friends who have been given terminal dx with cancer. One a horsey friend and the other married to a friend of DH. The latter died about 5 months after finding out, so no time at all and I feel a bit unfair to have such a short space of time to do everything. She was only given 2-3 months, though, and got past that. The first had breast cancer, fought that and then a year or so later found out it had spread. She was given terminal dx and not long to live but fought and fought the cancer. It never killed her. A few years after the dx, she died of a brain haemmorhage (sp?). So OJ, both of you KEEP fighting. I know that sounds fickle coming from someone who has never been in your shoes, but life is worth fighting for while it has some quality to it and love within it - a positive attitude can do lots (and I know that is hard for you right now).

I feel bad even having replied to this, because of the circumstances. Best wishes, poppet.x

fillyjonk · 03/09/2007 19:35

no, I don't think I would

I am not exactly scared of death. I am, however, utterly gutted that I won't KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. If my kids have grandchildren, if the planet is fkd after all, etc etc. There will always be about 100 things I want to do.

HOWEVER, I am assuiming that I will die after dp, in a nursing home, when my kids have long forgotten my name

I think in reality for the sake of my family, the way to go would be to know so that a. they could prepare, and b. I could leave my affairs in good order and write letters etc

onlyjoking9329 · 03/09/2007 20:11

Steve has been on about having some building work done on the house i think he has forgotten everything again.
we are at the hospital tomorrow for him to have some scans so he may well be reminded.

OP posts:
Countingthegreyhairs · 04/09/2007 08:44

Gosh that must be SO tough on you OnlyJoking

BandofMothers · 04/09/2007 08:48

Hope everything goes ok today, and he is bound to be reminded.
wishing you strength and courage to deal with it all.

onlyjoking9329 · 04/09/2007 21:59

hospital vist went ok. thou we did see three kids all girls that came in for radiotherapy [sad}

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread