if you were going to die, would you want to know or not?

[onlyjoking9329]

why?
what would be good about knowing?
what would be bad about knowing?

I'd want to know because obviously others know and I hate being kept in the dark, especially when it comes to something as personal and intimate as my own death.

I would also like the chance to put some last minute things in order. Impart certain bits of wisdom on my kids, rush through some parenting, basically say goodbye and maybe do a couple of things I never got round to doing.

MB and OJ .... You're so inspiring, the way you're dealing with this. All power to you and yours. x

Spider, people only cope because no-one gives you an alternative. You'd do the same. Everyone would.

Courage only comes into it when you have a choice.

there is no alternative to coping really, you just get on with it the best you can, sometimes i think i am doing ok then other times i am a wreck
MB i liked your "T"

OnlyJoking - I have not posted on your threads before but have read them and I really feel for you.

My dad died suddenly when I was young. He died without a will and because there were complicating factors (he had previous wife and kids) my mum ended up fighting for her house etc through the courts. If there are any complicating factors in Steve's life it would be really worth reminding him about the will.

My Mum died of cancer when I was in my early twenties. I second what MartianBishop says about Macmillan. They were an amazing help to me and also, later in the process, to Mum.

Having had one parent die suddenly and another who knew she was dying for 12 months, I would want to know I was dying. Mum lived her life to the full for much of that last year and she left me a lot of lovely letters and gifts. However, as MB says the early days of the diagnosis are very painful, so if Steve will have to repeat those days again and again maybe I would hesitate before telling him each time.

OJ, was just telling dh about Steve, and he suggested maybe getting him to write it down (ie the diagnosis) when he is at a point where he is accepting it - something he could then refer to when he is confused. Just a thought. (and he approves of his choice of music, it's dh's favourite song of all time )

Oh yes macmillan are fabulous, they helped me long after my DH died. You can refer yourself if needed.

i will ask about the macmillan nurses when we see the consultant.
i had been writing things down for steve but his eyes are playing up so he is not very good at reading.

I would
So I could sort all my affairs out before I died, legal and personal.
It would only be a bummer if I'd had plans which were meant to happen after the event.

ah sorry for the rather flippant last line.

not flippant fuzzy, i asked what people thought and their reasons

Steve is awake and talking about how it would be nice to go away next summer holidays as it has been a long summer with no holiday this year, he has obviously forgotten but i am not going to remind him.

Depends on how long you had.

I think I wouldn't want to know in respect of the psychological side of things but then I am an organised person so would like to get everything in order, leave instructions, do a diary or log/memory book for my children etc

Haven't read all the other responses.

Definitely WOULDN'T want to know myself. I think there's a large proportion of the population, myself included, who can't control their thoughts very well. If you think you are going to die you will, if you think you are perfectly well, you will be.

Wastingmy life, if only it were that simple

Yes.

Because I'd like to die in a state of peace and would like a few moments at least to compaose myself.

I am not afraid of the moment of death. Knowing I was going to love my loved ones behind would be painful, however.

yes, so that I could do all the things I always wanted to do. So that I could make sure my loved ones were provided for and had time to come to terms with it. So that I could make damn sure I enjoyed every last second and didn't waste the time I had left.
Bad: It would be sad and frightening, and it would probably be difficult to think of anything else. i.e this is the last time i'll ever do this, this might be the last time i see so and so

wishing you all the best OJ

I really dont know what I would prefer I have sat here and thought about it and cant get a definitive answer

I can say Macmillan Nurses are great they haelp with all sorts of things not just madication and treatment and I believe that you can see them on your own if Steve doesnt want to

They were great when my best friends mum was ill

OJ, sorry to hear things aren't so good. It's so hard living with this hanging over you, isn't it? DH's oncologist hasn't given us any timescales or mentioned the word 'terminal' but he talked of 'prolonging life' and said there is no cure. Some days I am in total despair imagining life without DH. Other days, I simply do not believe he will die. I think knowing has been good because we are making the most of our time. We've made a big effort to do lots of things this summer holiday and make some happy memories but the downside is that you worry that every occasion will be the last. I cried on my birthday, worrying that it would be the last with DH and I know the same thought will be in my mind on his birthday and at Christmas. I wish I could give you some words of wisdom to make you feel better but I'm just muddling through this myself. MartianBishop talks a lot of sense and has some very wise words.

'If you think you are going to die you will, if you think you are perfectly well, you will be. '

Um, are you for real?

i think the big difficulty is that cos of steves memory loss and confusion he forgets he is going to die, i never forget and he can't understand why i get upset, of course if i remind him then it is like its the first time he has heard it and it is very sad.

thats what i thought expat!

OJ- it might be denial- apparently denial is unconcious- can;t be controlled- just a way of dealing with something that is too terrible to take on board. If you can bear it I wouldn't keep on reminding him, but do make sure that you have someone to offload on because playing 'happy it's alright' games will get very wearing on you, and you need someone to support you through that.

I don't know if I'd want to know. I think not. When I met the martianbishops (hello ) we (dh and I) were humbled by mrmartianbishops (& the family's) strength. I don't think I could be that brave. xxxxx

I was thinking, OJ, 'Hmm, so if I think I'm going to be rich, then I'll win the Lotto on Wednesday?'

I try that every week

I assume Wastingmylife doesn't realise the context of the thread?
There is that school of thought re choosing to live blahblah but I think thats to do with more abstract illness and it certainly wouldn't be applicable here.
(trying to give the benefit of the doubt)