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Original poster

I want, nay NEED, dh to have a vasectomy. He is fobbing me off. Anyone successfully talked their other half round?

99 replies

oliveoil · 16/08/2007 13:45

We had a little scare, until this morning - PHEW! - and I thought, well if I am pregnant, we will deal with it.

dh said we would have an abortion , which with him being Catholic an all I didn't expect

now obviously you can't compromise on either of the above so to make sure it does not happen again, I keep going on about the snip

no joy

I don't like the pill or any hormone contraceptions, faffy caps or such nonsense

I say snip

Tips please or advise before I go grey

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 14:24

Mare, I'm really sorry about your feelings. But that doctor has an obligation to the wishes of his patient first, and the patient wanted it done.

I don't think a spouse should have to 'consent'. I didn't realise that was necessary to have it done. Counselling, maybe, but I find it really chilling to think that another person could have control over my choice to procreate - my body, my choice.

doggiesayswoof · 16/08/2007 14:30

yy expat - imagine having to get spousal consent for an abortion. Wrong wrong wrong.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 16/08/2007 14:30

I got pg with a mirena coil. Now I have DD. DH has had snip

Celery · 16/08/2007 14:38

As well as possible hormonal side effects with the Mirena, people should be aware that the coil ( hormonal or other ) can be problematic for other reasons. Many women have a tilted or inverted womb, to varying degrees, and often if you have a coil in and you have a tilted womb, this can cause a great deal of discomfort and pain - cramping, and pain during sex.

I didn't even know I had an inverted womb, until after 3 children I decided to give the Mirena a go. When the Doctor was fitting it, she commented that my womb was slightly tilted, but did not say anything about this causing possible problems. However, I could feel it in there, like it was pressing into my womb, when I got into certain positions ( bending over etc, lol ). During sex, it felt like my dh's penis was pressing from one side and the coil was pressing from the other side, and it HURT.

I've since read on another forum that many women with inverted wombs have experienced similar.

Am now using condoms and desperately hoping DH get's his finger out and has the snip.

lemonaid · 16/08/2007 14:41

BUT on the other hand there was the case on here of someone whose sister's husband had a vasectomy, didn't tell her, and left her thinking they were ttc until it was too late for her to have children with anyone else. So I do think perhaps there should be a responsibility to make sure that partners are informed.

casbie · 16/08/2007 14:42

my dear lovely hubby has the snip.

after three children, i said i don't want to do the birth thing anymore and luckily he agreed.

to be fair he's the one at home looking after them, so this might have perswaded him more than lack of sex!

he was off work (childcare) for two days and muggins here had to take compasionate leave. never worked so hard in my bloddy life and he got to sit on a cushion playing computer games for two days solid.

makes me glad to be at work (and on MN!)

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 14:44

I don't agree at all, lemon. Mainly because I worked in a women's clinic once and we had A LOT of women whose husbands wanted them to keep popping out the kids no matter what the effect on the womens' health.

One doctor was doing vaginal tubal ligations - you can do those now! - for them and thankfully they didn't have to inform their partners.

Many who came to us for help like this were also in abusive relationships, particularly from cultures where women were expected to be very submissive.

IMO, it's a slippery slope and I find that taking away someone's ultimate right to procreate enslaves them.

lucykate · 16/08/2007 14:47

i would highly recommend a mirena coil too. have had it for 2 years and love it. don't have any problems with the hormones, and i did with the pill, but this is such a low dose, and it doesn't affect my libido where as the pill did.

sparkler · 16/08/2007 14:50

I don't think you can make a man have a vasectomy. If he is going to do it you need to let him make that decision himself no matter how much you want him to. I was fortunate in that DH had said even before we started our family that he would always do his bit and have the op done when our family was complete.
I hope things get sorted for you both soon. x

lucykate · 16/08/2007 14:50

opps, didn't read the whole thread re mirena. i am aware of the possible side affects, read up on it alot before having it fitted, but personally, i haven't had any at all with mine

casbie · 16/08/2007 14:52

you can take mohammed to the mountain, but you can't take the mountain to mohammed!

lemonaid · 16/08/2007 15:03

I did think of that after I'd hit Post, expat. And I agree it's a slippery slope. I guess I just think that fundamentally something bad ought to happen to that man (I'd settle for cosmic karma on the level of a large anvil falling onto him from the sky, or something) because -- well, as you put it yourself, taking away someone's ultimate right to procreate enslaves them, and that was what he did to his wife. But you're right, hard cases make bad law.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 15:08

And lemon, this person you know, after a year of TTC, didn't she go to the doctor to figure out what was wrong?

And from there they'd both have to be examined and tested and it would have come out then, no?

Because if he refused to go in for the testing, it sort of would have been a red flag that something was amiss with his desire to have children, no?

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 15:12

I just remember this horrible case where I had to tell a woman - after we finally got through to her and not her husband - that she had invasive cervical cancer because the poor doctor had been struggling for months to reach her and couldn't, and the lady didn't speak anything but French (she was African).

She was also HIV+ and only 27 years old.

And when I told her, she said, 'Well, that's too bad, because I am pregnant now so cannot be treated.'

And that was it. In her culture, her needs and even her life were secondary.

lemonaid · 16/08/2007 15:13

It wasn't someone I know, it was a thread somewhere on MN (actually, I though you were on the thread too... I may have to do some searching).

Although, mind you, I do know some genuinely-TTC couples where the man refuses to have any testing (because it makes him feel "uncomfortable") until the woman has been through the whole lot, and it always makes me feel "why are you letting him get away with that attitude?".

tiredemma · 16/08/2007 15:13

My God expat- where was that?

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 15:14

I'd seriously question his commitment to having children at all if my spouse weren't willing to go through any sort of testing when we encountered fertility issues.

I mean, that's a pretty huge red flag, IMO.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 15:17

It was when I was working in a women's clinic in the US, tired.

We had a good many women who were immigrants from Latin America and Africa who came for Depo shots and vaginal tubal ligation because their husbands would find and destroy any birth control - pills, diaphragms, etc. - they found laying around and these women did not want any more children.

The docs didn't like to give them coils because sometimes a man can feel those and then it's not unheard of that these women could be beaten for that.

tiredemma · 16/08/2007 15:18

That is awful. Cant think of anything to say other than that.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2007 15:22

It was nice to be able to help them as much as possible. And it was all low cost or free depending on their income.

Some men would refuse to allow their wives to be examined unless they (the husbands) were in the room, even if the staff were all female.

Yes, it was a really eye-opening experience into how fortunate we are in the West regarding reproductive choices.

And how important that is.

casbie · 16/08/2007 15:23

OMG

such disregard for mothers, the fountain of all life!

Piggy · 16/08/2007 15:44

I've been thinking about the coil but I had concerns that it might not like me. If you have a hellish time with it will they just take it out as soon as the problems start or do have to endure months of feeling rubbish?

I have had shockingly heavy periods since the dses and couldn't even leave the house if they got worse. I didn't have a single spot in my teenage years and I certainly don't fancy acne in my late 30s. Having had PND I'd like to avoid ever going there again.

mare · 16/08/2007 20:45

Does seem odd actually that he needed me to SIGN something! The GP wouldn't have signed the form to the private doc if I had refused to sign. Snip not on NHS of couse as it was 2nd snip for him.

Can anyone shed light on legalities of this?

Half the reason was that he didn;t want to use condoms any more and didn't want (or perhaps trust) me to go on the pill. I didn't consider a coil as I had heard horror stories.

Now post snip and sans condoms I get all the MESS and no more babies! Toally pissed off!

hellobello · 17/08/2007 16:51

I've got an ordinary coil - no hormones, no mess, no anything really. I had the last one for about 8 years with no probs at all. It just sat there and I didn't have any babies. I've now got another one. I don't know anything about the Mirena coil. I don't really see why dh should have an operation when it is so simple.

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