Sorry - TMI Question re: Bum Wiping

[ICannotBelieveIamTypingThis]

I cannot believe I am asking this but I feel I have to.

I am not the poo troll, honestly. It's just that after typing these words I really want to bleach the thoughts out of my mind and don't want it associated with my normal handle.

So I was discussing the idea of bidet hoses with DH - apparently the reason the UK gets through way more loo paper than other countries is because bidets aren't that popular. DH expressed extreme distaste for the idea saying that he "wouldn't want to stick a hose up there"

(boak) Obviously not. No one would except weird fetishists.

But on further clarification it turns out that when DH is using a good half a loo roll to clean himself up he is actually wiping around as far inside as he can reach - and he would not believe my assertions that as far as I am aware, most people content themselves with just wiping the external area around the anus. Nor did he think I was reasonable to suggest that wiping the internal piping (where it's the "mucous membrane" of the colon rather than skin) might be risking doing himself some sort of injury.

So now he thinks I am unhygienic and disgusting for being OK with my colon, on the inside of my body, having remains of fecal matter on the passageway walls after a bowel movement. Meanwhile I am shuddering at the thought of where those fingers have been. (yes I know he'll have washed his hands. But I still feel nauseous)

Which of us has fundamentally misunderstood the boundaries of reasonable personal hygiene?

Crikey OP your DH must have an arsehole like a welly top 😂. Never thought I’d be posting that sentence on the general health thread.

codenameduchess best discussion in a long time 😂

Now if I sit on my sofa, legs a little apart, then stand up straight there is one h... of a difference. Then I didn't know the stander-uppers were squatters as well 🤣.

The link I referred to, said:

There’s also something to be said for sitting while wiping, since ergonomically, it may keep your perianal area open. But if you’re uncomfortable reaching into the toilet to wipe, standing should suffice.

I feel I'm becoming quite an expert now 🤪.

OP i think your dh can be diagnosed with PAS.

He can't just shove his gingers up there surely? The toilet paper would tear. Maybe he twists it round into a unicorn horn shape and inserts that. My mind is going mad trying to think how he could possibly do it....

*gingers =fingers. Sorry!

Knew gingers would be brought into it somewhere!! Gotta be one for the classics this!! I still want a bum gun

Oh yes this is classics material.

At first I pictured the gingers up there, but fingers noo 😂.

So when one uses a bidet....the hose is for aiming water up there?? I always thought it was for aiming down the arse crack! (Have never used one!)

I have just genuinely upset my dp asking him if he does this. No one does this. Someone has hurt you’re husband and I think you aught to be careful how you proceed

I have heard and read some things in my time, but this is something else.

I’ll have to have a word about this in work tomorrow. Literally never heard of anyone doing this before. Bless your DH and his squeaky clean mucous membrane 😂

I fancy a bidet now! I thought you filled it with water and sort of sat in it - like a bum bath. Obviously have never used one . It's an education on MN tonight!

An army friend of mine told me that they were taught to use as little toilet paper as possible. He said you need two pieces - wrap one around your finger and use that to clean up and around, and then use the other piece of paper to wipe your finger.

He MUST have heammeroids surely!

I wish this was in AIBU as he is being very very very very very unreasonable, I can't even. I bet there's old little bits of toilet roll stuck up there that have come away when he has been finger wiping.

I’ve always been curious, does a bidet work like an enema ?

I’m assuming you sit on the ‘hose’ or ‘pipe’ (if you could call it that) and turn on the water and ‘expel’ into the cistern.

My only question with that is how can that be hygienic if more than one person uses it?

Surely the pipe would always have residue of the previous user

ctrl the one we had long ago had a sprinkler, like a fountain (small) that sprinkled water on your ehh parts NOT up.

This has really cheered me up and made me realise I am a hybrid! I sit to wipe behind and stand if I've only had a pee.... I also can't believe I just typed that . And yes, in not around is all wrong OP!!

I’m a stander and a front to back wiper. I assumed everyone did it that way 😬

I don’t think you sit on the spout of the bidet!! Don’t you just angle yourself so the water hits your arse abd cleans it?

I’ve never heard of anyone doing that OP

Why is everyone treating this as if it’s real? Nobody with more than 3 brain cells imagines you need to actually shove the tap up your arse.

My college lecturer, ex army told us this is how they wipe- Finger up and scoop around. Not my type of wiping but not my bum hole not my business 😂

Like he's greasing a tin before you put the cake mix in?

Hahahahahah!

Finally, an appropriate mid-thread advert!

What is he lecturing in, ifoundthebread?! Sounds like massive oversharing...

Your DH is clearly an arse. He needs to embrace the bidet if he's not happy with the limitations of external wiping.

I have bidet envy. Much nicer than loo roll, IMHO.