OP I've been sexually assaulted by medics (plural - happened more than once in différence countries). I TOTALLY get the problem with going to hospitals. People seem to think they're safe places that nobody really likes anyway, so just suck it up. But it's not like that. Not at all.
Sadly we can't always avoid hospitals. And the more we try to the more likely we are to end up in one!
Medically I have no real advice, but for the panic attacks and PTSD I can tell you what I do.
If I can (don't think this is possible for you this time) I go in advance on another day and go to the department I will have to go to. Without the horrific stress of being treated, I find the route and make myself familiar with how to get there. I then go over the route again and again and again in my head until the appointment day so it's almost familiar when I get there.
On the day I make sure I'm really early. Rushing there is far, far too much stress on top.
I try to ONLY look at the floor. Occasionally I need to look at signs etc but I avoid, at all costs, looking at medical staff in corridors and I look away if I see a patient wheeled on a gurney or hospital bed.
Headphones playing loud music are really helpful to distract! They also stop, or reduce, horrible thoughts flooding my mind. And I don't care if people think I'm rude, or they're too loud: this is survival.
I live abroad right now and I think the system is different but I have on my medical notes that I have PTSD and hospitals are triggers and want female staff whenever possible. Anybody treating me sees this message first. If this wasn't available I'd have a card with: "I have PTSD from sexual assault by a medic. Being here is very hard and I'm trying not to have a panic attack." or something similar that is hand to the practitioner. I'm not ashamed of this because it wasn't me who attacked anybody. I don't like to share it but it's better if they know than don't especially ifi start having a panic attack! Most medics are then more gentle but some are still dicks. But at least i can tell myself they're a dick!
I don't think I've ever written all this down before. It's horrendous.
I also write down what the problem is so that if I can't talk properly or I forget things due to the stress I have it on paper.
But what's more awful than going to hospital for the problem you have today? (This is what I ask myself). It's leaving the problem to get worse and having to go for longer, or repeat visits, in the future.
I often cry before I have to go, or get so frightened there I cry. I hate it - i normally never cry, this is pure fear or panic. I don't do it to get attention, I ALWAYS try to hide or look away or whatever.
And I try to focus on my breath. So I focus on the floor and my breath. I try to make sure it's slow and if I feel my heart racing or breath speeding up I try to bring it back to being slow. NOTHING matters more than that, because otherwise the panic can take over.
Becca I don't know what happened in your case but I do know from your posts you've got a massive amount challenging you in life. It can feel like it breaks you down, but you're still here. You're actually stronger than all of this, stronger than whatever piece(s) of shit gave you PTSD. You can absolutely do this but you need to think of ways that can help you block out the unnecessary bits of the visit and get through it. These things ease (not solve it) for me but perhaps other things will be better for you. All these things help me feel a bit more in control (and part of trauma is when you've had control of your body taken away from you) when I've had to go as an emergency, there was no opportunity of doing these things, I felt control had gone and it was a disaster!
