I've performed surgery on my own bottom!

[amateurarsedoctor]

I thought I'd impress/horrify you with my attempts to cure my very own "Embarrasing Illness".

Since the birth of DS2, 4 years ago, I developed one haemorrhoid. It went away soon after the birth and returned at times. Over the years it had developed into a kind of skin tag. It's quite large, about the length and width of my little finger to the second joint.

I've never had any pain or problems with it. It was just there. As it's grown I've become more aware and self conscious of it. I'd dread the thought of DH seeing it and have avoided brazillians in case the beautician noticed.

I've often pondered going to the GP and seeing if they'd remove it but the thought of revealing my arse in full view fills me with horror.

I also pondered what they might do to get rid of it. I eventually decided they'd probably tie something round it to reduce the blood supply and eventually it would drop off.

So I did just that! 10 days ago I took a piece of cotton and tied it as tight as possible around my protuberance. It was a bit of a struggle but with the aid of a mirror I got there in the end.

So, it swelled up and got rather uncomfortable but after 2 or 3 days was showing no sign of dropping off. So like any self respecting arse doctor I got something a bit more substantial to tie round it. An elastic band!

A day later it was so painful and the elastic band/cotton were very firmly embedded in the swelling tissue that I thought I may have to abandon the experiment, except by this point there was no way of removing them as I could obvioulsy not see what was going on well enough to employ a pair of scissors in the area. There was no way I was going to the doctors with that mess and fessing up to what I'd done.

So, I poked deep in my medicine box and found a tube of Fucidin (slightly out of date but never mind) and applied it to the affected area. The finger sized pile had by soon shrank to the size of a grape and the pain began to lessen.

Then, thank the Lord, tonight it's dropped off!

I honestly thought I might have done serious damage at one point and I realise that potentially that was a rather dangerous thing to do, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I never had to seek medical assistance for a botched home botty op!

I would not advise any one to do this at home, the pain has been severe to say the least!

I know you'll all say I'm a loony but I had to tell someone my secret.

you're not nuttymuffins, are you?

or bottymuffins

I'm amateurarsedoctor!

As a point of interest MN wouldn't let me have the name AmateurArseDoctor. Is that because there's one already?

Just read OP - ouch. Braver girl than me lass .

Pmsl, yet at the same time .

No, it's not me (thanks Dior and Troutpout!) I had dreadful haemorrhoids after ds1 was born and just remembering the pain as I read the OP made me feel a bit faint. Respect, aad - you total loon.

Message withdrawn

It was my brother not me that said that!!

It just confirmed to him what he already thought about mumsnet. He doesn't get it...

No worries princessmel. I know it was a stoopid thing to do. I'm just glad it's all behind me now.

Oh, and tell your brother he needs to spend more time on here. It took me about a month to really get MN and I've been logged on ever since.

OMG ive been having a bad day, tummy bug, you have so cheered me up, even if its not true, pmsl

He doesn't come on . The thought of my brother mnetting is very funny!!!

He was wondering why I was gasping at the pc when I was logged in at his house. We'd stayed at his for the weekend and I needed a mn fix.

I know of a women's mag who would love to hear your story..from the bottom to the top!

ROFL

I can hardly type from laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

am clenching my butt as I read this....shudder....fills me with pain just reading it!
but rofl....what on earth possessed you, lol....

AAD, are you Saggarmakersbottomknocker?

If not, you should be. The name seems remarkably apposite.

That is totally disgusting! i've been avoiding mn recently but I had to respond to this thread (urk). dh just came out of hospital this evening after emergency surgery for the same problem. He was bleeding for days & filled my Always night pads better than I ever have! Ruptured artery was part of the problem so please, please no-one try amateur's methods!

Sauce, how awful for your DH. I must add though that mine was a skin tag rather than an active haemorrhoid, so there was no artery for me to sever.

Thank the Lord I didn't have any terrible complications tho.

A little note for those of you who were waiting for my UCM moment.

Dior, I just revealed my true identity by accident when posting in my other name to one of only 2 people on here who know me in RL.

My guise was rumbled when I forgot to name change back when chatting to the other poster who just happened to be my RL buddy who had also recently name changed unbeknown to me!!

What are the odds of that! There must be hundreds of posters on here and I reveal myself to one of my friends!!

I went to bed thinking "oh, what the hell, she doesn't know me. It's not as if I ever have to look her in the eye or anything!"

I got up this morning to find this random stranger was infact my bridesmaid whom I see on a regular baisis.

do I knwo oyu?

C'mon then doc. Put the rest of us out of our misery.

Piles are NOT that big a deal for your GP to see!

Believe me, they've seen worse!

They weren't just piles Expat, they were my piles!

No cod you don't know me. Has one of your friends been sitting awkwardly of late?

No Saggybottom I still won't budge. Lovely MN deleted the post before anyone else noticed and the afforementioned bridesmaid will be sworn to secrecy on pain of death.

Or shitting awkwardly even. (not sure how you'd have noticed that tho.

I gave birth 8 weeks ago 2day, and I am suffering from severe agony when I have a bowel movement, the pain is inside my bum and it tears everytime I go. Doc has given me ointmet with nozzel. I fear it has something to do with my episioptomy which I had to have as my baby was delivered by vacum because the cord was around his neck. That was an experience I never want to go thru again!! The epidural had worn off so I felt everything, I mean everything. As for the epidural that's another story in itself, it numbed me upto my armpits, which casued problems and the drip was stopped so it had worn off by the time I was rushed down to the theatre for delivery.I would definitley consider a home birth next time around or certainly not get the epidural.
Anyways back to my piles or fissures as the doc called them. I don't think I'll ever feel normal down there ever again. Has any other mum had this same experience?

Thanx

Hi bhabi. I'd hate to mislead anyone into thinking I have the first clue about bottom problems!

Why don't you create a new thread to discuss yours? You'll get a much more sensible response from the lovely folk on here that way.