Partner doesn't shower

[JJ2014]

Ok, so I'm at my wits end. I have a partner that doesn't like to shower or clean his teeth much. I've now become a nagger as it really puts me off. We just returned from a European holiday today, and last showered at 8am, we have been travelling all day, and he just hops into bed without a shower, it's so disgusting. As for cleaning his teeth, some days he won't clean for a day. And then gets angry at me if I remind me. I hate reminding him, but I just can't bring myself to kiss him if he doesn't. I've tried the nice approach, the counselling approach, the will you just bldy clean them as it's disgusting. The really gentle, 'this is how it makes me feel' approach. And even sat in the counselling room pleading with him to do it. And somedays he won't even have a shower. It's affecting our intimacy, to the point where there is none, but no budge. It's 4 years now like this and I've really tried. We have a young child together, so I've really tried extra hard to let it go, but when you lie next to someone who snores and stinks it makes me so angry!!! I shower 2 times a day, so clearly this is important to me, which I have also mentioned. Anyway, it's becoming a deal breaker as I can't imagine this forever!!

I don't think a daily shower is always compulsory, unless exercising etc.

However the teeth cleaning thing is awful.

I shower once a day, if I’d showered already then I wouldn’t be showering again, it’s not healthy to shower to often as it strips the skin of valuable oils etc

He is betting its not a deal breaker, and as you are still there clearly it isn’t. Basically he’s saying he doesn’t give a poo about how you feel.

It wouldn’t cross my mind to shower after getting home if i’d already showered at 8am. I’d want to go straight to bed too. The teeth brushing is more of an issue though.

You've done everything.

Time you called it a day...

So how long does he usually go without showering. You've said he had a shower this morning.

Showering twice every day seems excessive

I don’t really see the issue with not having a second shower today. I too, would want to go straight to bed. But then I’m a morning shower person.
I do think a daily shower is reasonable though.

I think showering twice a day is excessive tbh. Unless he's a manual labourer once a day is fine, even every other day. So you're unreasonable to expect him to shower twice a day.

Not cleaning teeth every day though is rank.

Once a day shower is absolutely fine, unless you have done something physical and got sweaty. I probably would after a day's travel, but wouldn't hold it against someone for not.

Teeth cleaning though. Absolutely rigidly, has to be done. Twice a day. At least.

I don’t get how there is no intimacy if he often, from the sound of it, brushes his teeth. Surely you can kiss when he cleans them. And have sex after he has showered.
I don’t think showering twice a day is usual and probably many people don’t brush teeth twice a day.
I don’t think I’d notice if someone hadn’t brushed their teeth unless they’d wasted garlic or something.

I don’t think it’s a problem if he showered at 8am and doesn’t want another shower! Seems normal to me! Once a day is quite enough unless someone is doing a really intense work out etc.

So I opened this thinking you were talking about someone who didn't shower for days on end.

You do have a valid point about teeth brushing - twice a day no exceptions.

However not showering "again" when you have showered in the morning doesn't strike me as unreasonable unless you've done an activity that's had you sweating profusely. Travel doesn't usually encompass that imho.

I'd say kindly that you showering twice a day as the norm is the one that's out of kilter tbh. It's quite excessive on a daily basis unless you do very intensive activity.

That said - the upshot if you feel that strongly about it and he doesn't then ultimately your not compatible.

Do you have other anxieties, control or compulsion issues? Have you sought help for yourself? You don't seem to be aware so perhaps you're missing other signs that suggest your expectations and feelings could be the issue.

Many people shower every other day or wouldn't consider showering more than once a day. Although this thread might not be widely representative of that, it is common and not considered a make or break issue to split up a family.

I shower 2 times a day, so clearly this is important to me

It’s not important to millions of other people though! I don’t know anyone that showers twice a day regularly?! Why is it you’re right and he has to do what you want?

If I’d had a shower in the morning and spent the whole day travelling, then I too, would probably want to just collapse in bed!

You sound quite hard work to be honest.

You obviously have some kind of OCD, showering twice a day isn't the norm for the majority I'd say. If someone expected me to shower twice a day I'd give up on them myself, so you're obviously not matched and should probably call it a day.

I think I'd want to get the 'plane dirt' off before I got into bed, so not entirely unreasonable. Having said that sometimes after a day travelling I'm just too tired. DH would always shower when he gets in after a journey and usually after work too. I agree it depends what you're doing. When I was working in London and getting the tube every day in summer, I would definitely need two showers a day. Now I live rurally and drive everywhere. If I am just pottering around I shower every other day (every day in summer). Not cleaning teeth is rank though!

Don't really know what to advise, sounds like you have tried mentioning it in lots of ways.

You are obviously not compatible when it comes to personal hygiene. How often do you expect your child to wash? Showering twice daily is excessive unless extenuating circumstances.

Not brushing teeth is not nice though

The teeth thing is a bit yuk, but the showering is fine. He showered this morning. Most people do not shower twice a day

I don't think showering twice a day is excessive. And not showering once a day is just foul.

I couldn't share a bed with him.

Not showering after travelling on a grubby plane is grim. Travelling in itself is enough to get you a bit warm and sweaty, with luggage to cart around.

Also a shower once a day is a minimum for anyone who wants intimacy IMO. So, I know you didn’t ask but YANBU and I couldn’t live with someone like that.

Why does he care so little about your feelings? Even if he can’t be arsed to hop in the shower for himself, why can’t he do it for you?

You realise many of us didn't have showers up until the 90s, and the norm was bathing a couple of times a week?

Showering every second day can be fine-if you have an office job, aren't in a warm country, there's no need.

Showering twice a day in the UK honestly suggests you have some issues. That's not the norm. So it seems unreasonable you are expecting him to bend to your way- it sounds like he showers most days, and occasionally misses one, whereas you showier twice a day religiously. You realise the majority of people are more like him than you, right?

I must admit, I don't shower religiously every day, especially in winter

Teeth cleaning however, I am very particular about. The thought of not cleaning my teeth makes me feel ill. I can't imagine how rancid his breath must be.

I think showering twice a day is excessive. However the teeth brushing is more of an issue.
If I'd had a shower that morning and had been traveling all day and I felt a bit gross I'd just go to bed but would change the sheets the following day.
I'm not saying you're being unreasonable though- if you only want be intimate with a partner who showers twice a day then your partner should respect that. However I don't think he's falling foul of general hygiene standards by not doing so.

I too thought you’d be saying he goes weeks without a shower! I think he’s fine and so what if he skips brushing his teeth one day, no wonder he gets angry you’re his partner not his mother.

I'm going to go against most comments here,and say I know exactly what you mean.......obvious hygienic things like travelling all day requires a quick 5 minute wash,saves you inhaling ALL the fumes and fuck knows what else from the previous day,throughout the whole night. Plus the no teeth cleaning thing,obviously means bad breath,it's just a HUGE turn off,that could be easily avoided with 10-20 minutes a day,of effort.