Partner doesn't shower

[JJ2014]

Ok, so I'm at my wits end. I have a partner that doesn't like to shower or clean his teeth much. I've now become a nagger as it really puts me off. We just returned from a European holiday today, and last showered at 8am, we have been travelling all day, and he just hops into bed without a shower, it's so disgusting. As for cleaning his teeth, some days he won't clean for a day. And then gets angry at me if I remind me. I hate reminding him, but I just can't bring myself to kiss him if he doesn't. I've tried the nice approach, the counselling approach, the will you just bldy clean them as it's disgusting. The really gentle, 'this is how it makes me feel' approach. And even sat in the counselling room pleading with him to do it. And somedays he won't even have a shower. It's affecting our intimacy, to the point where there is none, but no budge. It's 4 years now like this and I've really tried. We have a young child together, so I've really tried extra hard to let it go, but when you lie next to someone who snores and stinks it makes me so angry!!! I shower 2 times a day, so clearly this is important to me, which I have also mentioned. Anyway, it's becoming a deal breaker as I can't imagine this forever!!

But my point is that actually even daily showers may not necessarily be the best thing as it removes the good bacteria. (You should however be cleaning the areas PollyPerky you are so focussed on but not in a shower).

So you suggest what? A facecloth used in a bowl of water? More laundry as you will need a clean one every time.
It's far easier to stand under a shower hose and clean your bum and genitals than faff around with a basin of water, a bar of soap and a cloth.

You don't need to use soap on your vulva - warm water is fine.

Bacteria gets onto your skin the minute you get out of a shower and expose yourself to the air.

It's also pretty impossible to smell yourself- you get used to how you smell. I'm often shocked at how women who are made up to the nines and have nice clothes on are...well, whiffy- either from not washing or from wearing clothes that are whiffy.

makes you wonder why we never caught onto the idea of a bidet as that is basically its use (and is far better)

I shower twice a day, I haven’t got OCD and am not a particularly sweaty person, it’s just how I am, my three teens all shower once a day.

yes but NK you dont judge or demand that your teens shower twice a day that is the difference

OP, YANBU.

Don't judge
so if a partner comes to bed stinking, skid marks on sheet issues, and with foul breath, and wants sex, you just lie there and accept it? Is that not judging? being passive and a doormat.

PollyPerky you really think showering once a day or missing a day would cause that?

Because your example is disgusting of course it is. But failing to shower twice a day would never cause that

I wouldn't ever kick my DP out of bed for not showering after a long day because I can pretty much guarantee that after running around after a 2yo all day I've not have time for a shower that day either! twice a day showering seems really excessive - unless you've been to the gym or something that would mean you should shower again. Teeth cleaning thing is disgusting though - reminds me of my 10yo SS with whom we have to stand and watch brush his teeth otherwise they wouldn't get done!

My partner showers twice a day. Personally I find this excessive.

He is a firefighter, maybe it is something to do with being in soot/smokey situation

. But failing to shower twice a day would never cause that

Have you seen some men's pants at the end of the day? Do I really need to graphically explain skid marks? Dry toilet paper does not remove everything.

So someone who maybe has 2 poos during the day, gets hot and sweaty balls or bits, is still fragrant and clean for sex?

I think you either lack experience of life or imagination.

Yes thank you and none of them have ever had skid marks (neither have mine).

You seem determined to judge anyone who showers more than you think is right Quartz. And if you have got to whatever age you are without seeing skid marks on a man's pants you are very lucky.

This thread is not so much about who is right but that the OP has someone who is inconsiderate, selfish and expects sex or intimacy of some kind when he is smelly and with foul breath.

She's not come back so who knows what she thinks.

I dont care what other people shower - quite the opposite but it bothers me that people can judge what I consider to be fairly normal (showering once a day occasionally missing)

My whole point is that actually if you read the OP he isnt - he simply didnt shower again after 8am and somedays (which implies not very much) he doesnt shower at all. That her viewpoint is as inconsiderate as his

How are you OP?

Have you had another conversation with him?

I'm with you. If someone has been travelling, using public loos, getting sweaty etc en route, it's common sense to wash off the day's sweat and grime and a shower is easy. Takes 5 mins.

My Dh wouldn't dream of getting into bed without a shower each night, whether he was on his own or with a partner, and he also has one first thing in the morning because we all sweat 1 litre of sweat every night.

I think I must be the only person who doesn't sweat at night. I really do not wake up covered in sweat, it just never happens

I really don't understand why you need to shower twice a day. I would not as a matter of course shower before bed if I had a shower that morning unless I had got really dirty/sweaty during the day. So unless it was a really hot day and/or I did a lot of exercise/manual work, I wouldn't bother again. I don't think tha is bad hygiene myself.

I do brush my teeth twice a day but if I am completely honest, there is the odd occasion (less than 1-2 a month) that I might only do them once (in the morning) if I was really tired at night

Oh dear. You won't know you sweat at night. But you do. Everyone does. Doesn't mean we wake up all sweaty.

If you were having sex would you wash beforehand?

This thread piqued my interest so lately I have been taking polls amongst friends and colleagues. This runs the gamut from doctors, IT, teachers, marketing, lawyers, accountants, stay at home parents.

No-one takes two showers a day unless they do a gym class that makes them sweaty (a few said they didn’t even bother to shower if just doing non-cardio core/balance style classes). After the beach was another but then most agreed if they were going to the beach before lunch they then didn’t bother with the morning shower knowing they would have one immediately on return from the beach. The only other reason was somehow getting unexpectedly physically dirty during the day. No-one took two showers as standard.

We live in a hot climate with summer around 35degC for at least the peak month if not more. If you showered whenever you got a little sweaty you would never be out of the shower some months. Maybe we are all filthy? If so, we all cope.

so if a partner comes to bed stinking, skid marks on sheet issues, and with foul breath, and wants sex, you just lie there and accept it? Is that not judging? being passive and a doormat.

Blimey-what sort of men have you been out with?!

I have never been to bed with anyone that fits those criteria and none of them have showered twice a day!

because we all sweat 1 litre of sweat every night.

Do you have a medical link for that?

If I mysteriously sweat at night but don't notice in the morning and don't smell then I still don't need a shower. I know I don't sweat at night. In any case I shower in the morning because it suits me. I rarely shower at night.

I generally prefer sex in the morning/during the day anyway but if we do have sex at night I might shower before hand if I felt yukky but that is not often. DH has no preference either way, though I wouild probably take account of that preference if he had one

Thank you all. Sorry. Time got away.

So some of you might be right, but being an Aussie I / we in general
shower twice a day. I just think it's the norm. My family have always done it, and all my friends. He travels on the tube and train, works all day, then comes home and later bed. Stinks and is frankly grimey. He won't shower for a full day for example most days, so shower maybe at night, then not shower until the morning of the day after. So 30/36 hours.

Some of you are quite right, maybe I do have an anxiety with it, but it started 5 years ago
And he wouldn't showered for 2 days, and while pregnant that made me want to gag. And I think it started from that.

I have asked really nicely if he could, and he has tried, but just hops into bed regardless of not showering. I do have to constantly remind him to brush his teeth. His teeth are cacked in plaque. He will get into bed with food, eat and then not get up to brush his teeth. His parents recently had to pay for his £3000 of dental work! You think that would be a wake up call.

Longer part to the thread is that he is over eating, which also grosses me out. I've tried to address this too, so he is over weight, doesn't shower etc. Yes it could all be my issue and I maybe have to either sux it up or find a different solution that better suits. And yes, I think he is slightly depressed. Which if I'm honest about, makes me the opposite of caring. (I don't sound exceptionally compassionate I know, but it's gone on for long enough)

What do you do when you stop caring?!!!