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Original poster

Partner doesn't shower

71 replies

JJ2014 · 18/03/2018 22:14

Ok, so I'm at my wits end. I have a partner that doesn't like to shower or clean his teeth much. I've now become a nagger as it really puts me off. We just returned from a European holiday today, and last showered at 8am, we have been travelling all day, and he just hops into bed without a shower, it's so disgusting. As for cleaning his teeth, some days he won't clean for a day. And then gets angry at me if I remind me. I hate reminding him, but I just can't bring myself to kiss him if he doesn't. I've tried the nice approach, the counselling approach, the will you just bldy clean them as it's disgusting. The really gentle, 'this is how it makes me feel' approach. And even sat in the counselling room pleading with him to do it. And somedays he won't even have a shower. It's affecting our intimacy, to the point where there is none, but no budge. It's 4 years now like this and I've really tried. We have a young child together, so I've really tried extra hard to let it go, but when you lie next to someone who snores and stinks it makes me so angry!!! I shower 2 times a day, so clearly this is important to me, which I have also mentioned. Anyway, it's becoming a deal breaker as I can't imagine this forever!!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 19/03/2018 01:47

I was thinking this would be not showering for days but I think if he showers and brushes his teeth mostly once a day and sometimes does not shower the issue is with you.

I will admit to in winter every other day showers I would object to being made to do twice a day

Appuskidu · 19/03/2018 09:09

I'm not saying you're being unreasonable though- if you only want be intimate with a partner who showers twice a day then your partner should respect that

I’m not actually sure about what is reasonable here.

Are you saying that he should shower twice a day regardless-just because it keeps the OP happy? Or only if they are going to get jiggy?

Quartz2208 · 19/03/2018 09:16

But from his perspective in order to keep her happy he needs to shower twice a day - that is unreasonable. She is expecting him to follow her needs

Honestly how many people shower twice a day as the norm. It is her issue with cleanliness not his. Realistically he is no different from a lot of people - he usually cleans his teeth twice a day and showers once but sometimes doesnt have a shower one day and sometimes only cleans his teeth once.

Makingworkwork · 19/03/2018 09:18

Showering twice a day is generally not good for your skin.

But brushing your teeth twice a day is essential basic hygiene. There are a surprising number of people on this thread who seem to disagree!

sadie9 · 19/03/2018 10:48

It sounds like you have an anxiety issue as well, that is making you project a lot onto your partner. Your mind is making him out to be dirty or contaminated in some way. So you are getting a 'disgust' reaction which is disproportionate. You may find that you are thinking he is more 'dirty' or 'annoying' when you are anxious or there is something going on in your life.
Your mind sort of tries to find somewhere to dump it and it's on him.
It's not reasonable or fair to expect someone to shower twice a day because of your beliefs about hygiene. If my DH didn't clean his teeth I wouldn't notice it. But you are finding yourself 'tracking' your DH and Policing the hygiene carefully. It's not to do with him actually being clean, it's to do with your thoughts about him being clean.

Winchester13 · 19/03/2018 10:52

I shower every other day and I don’t smell! Haha but teeth brushing twice a day is essential. I don’t like kissing dp when he hasn’t brushed his teeth all day

LoniceraJaponica · 19/03/2018 10:58

Why do you shower twice a day? Do you go to the gym, do a dirty job or do a physical job? If the answer is no to any of these questions then you really don't need to shower so often. Your water bill must be excessive.

Not brushing teeth twice a day is rank though.

rumblytummy1 · 19/03/2018 11:01

I am fairly fastidious. I always shower before leaving the house, even if I am going to the gym. ( then 2nd quick shower after that) .
Unless I have been doing something mucky I wouldn’t shower again till the next morning.

Teeth cleaning. I have nodded off before cleaning my teeth, eg if I took a cup of tea up & was reading. I do go down in the middle of the night & brush my teeth if I wake up. Bad breath is horrible.

You DPs snoring is nothing to do wit hygiene though...

gamerchick · 19/03/2018 11:10

You want him to shower twice a day? Or is he going weeks without one? Confused

If you’re super clean and you’re watching your bloke who sounds a bit average unless I’m missing something and you’re not happy? Then free him to find someone else who is average and you can find your super clean dude.

Or I’m totally missing something Grin

The teeth brushing is different, he should do that daily.

pearl1987 · 19/03/2018 11:18

I totally get where you are coming from OP. I kick my partner out of bed if he smells. There's no way I can get intimate if he smells unless we are camping or something. But if the facilities are there - get in the bloody shower. Whoever thinks getting into bed after a whole day of running around is ok, is yuck.

pearl1987 · 19/03/2018 11:20

I'd just keep telling him If I were you. Have you considered talking to him about it. Just mentioning how much it bothers you and also finding out how he feels when you tell him to have a shower? Nothing better than having a shower at the end of the day.

Thymeout · 19/03/2018 11:21

Surely it depends on the individual? Some people need to shower at least once every day because they smell if they don't. Does he use a good deodorant, Op? Perhaps he needs one of the more expensive cream ones that last longer. And if he skips the shower for a day, he does at least need to wash.

How often does he go to the dentist? Twice a day teeth cleaning is essential if he's not going to end up with gum disease and expensive dentistry later on.

Don't know what to suggest, but if he's as stinky as you say, I wouldn't be sharing a bed with him. Time to get tough.

PsychoPumpkin · 19/03/2018 11:23

If my husband showered daily I wouldn’t be complaining. But you want yours to shower twice a day!

Quartz2208 · 19/03/2018 11:29

I get the impression for the most part he is showering daily and brushing his teeth twice a day, the days he isnt is probably a response to been told that isnt enough

I suspect as well he doesnt stink but her perceptions are that he does because he gets into bed having only had a shower in the morning

PollyPerky · 19/03/2018 11:29

Am wondering how you had a child if he's always been like this? I think I've have last 3 dates before kicking him into touch.

Is this new behaviour?

DH showers twice a day. So do I. Get rid of sweat in the morning, ditto at night.

I think for me your partner's behaviour would mean ending the relationship because even if HE doesn't see the need, you do, and he's not meeting you halfway.

The unclean teeth is just gross.

user380968 · 19/03/2018 11:31

You are certainly not compatible; you like to be extra clean and he doesn't care.

One shower a day is enough for me too; clean clothes and underwear are important too and teeth at least twice per day. But it seems to me you are OCD?

PollyPerky · 19/03/2018 11:32

Unless you all use moist loo paper, your bums will NOT be clean when you get into bed and I'd not want to be intimate with a man who hadn't showered at the end of each day, or cleaned under his foreskin. Being totally frank..

Quartz2208 · 19/03/2018 11:34

PollyPerky I suspect you have the same issue as the OP.

How effective do you actually think showering is to get you "clean"

HoppingPavlova · 19/03/2018 11:36

I agree, showering twice a day is excessive.

Even if I plan to do a dirty yard task on the weekend I don’t shower that morning but wait until I have completed the dirty task then come in and jump straight in the shower. DH on the other hand showers, does yard work, complains he is now dirty/sweaty and has another shower. Madness. Only time I would have a second shower is if I was vomited, wee’d, pooped on etc, wouldn’t have one after travelling for a day.

Not cleaning teeth daily is off though.

Smeaton · 19/03/2018 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PollyPerky · 19/03/2018 11:44

Quartz I can assure you I NO issues.

I like a clean bum, shit-free bum, and a clean vulva. I also want clean armpits. I exercise daily and get sweaty enough for it to run down my back.

It's easy enough to get into the shower for 5 minutes than use a flannel or whatever to be clean.

I'm amazed other people find this unusual because everyone I know showers at least once a day and often twice.

Some people have poor personal hygiene. End of.

Beth2537 · 19/03/2018 11:44

Maybe explain that he needs to set a good example to your child with regards to toothbrushing.
Does he use an electric toothbrush or manual? maybe a new toothbrush for his birthday!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/03/2018 11:53

And for those of you saying you don't smell, often you notice other people smelling more than yourself. Just because you don't notice your own smell, it doesn't mean others won't.

Quartz2208 · 19/03/2018 11:59

Some people do have poor personal hygiene - the OP partner is not one of them. Failing to shower twice a day is not poor personal hygiene

But my point is that actually even daily showers may not necessarily be the best thing as it removes the good bacteria. (You should however be cleaning the areas PollyPerky you are so focussed on but not in a shower).

Teeth brushing twice a day, handwashing throughout the day, washing twice a day the sweaty bits and showering 4 times a week and a bath once a week to properly get rid of dead skin (showering does not always cut it) is the perfect balance of keeping the bad bacteria at bay and letting the good bacteria stay. That is good hygiene

ForeverHappyAndGrateful · 19/03/2018 12:08

I admire you for putting up with it for this long, I couldn’t put up with it for one day.

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