I need to write this or I'll go mad

[skorpion]

I may go mad regardless...
I saw my GP to ask about night sweats, was sent for a chest x-ray which showed something on my rib. After some tests on urine (clear) and blood (something showed up) I am being refered for further tests to rule out multiple myeloma. Bone marrow cancer.
This is fast tracked so I will be seen within two weeks.
I am 40, my children are 5 and 3. I am healthy, there's nothing to alarm me about my health. I started running in the last few months. I feel quite fit.
And now this.
I am driving myself insane with worry, burst to tears of utter, utter despair at completely random moments. I have a constant headache and keep thinking up pretend symptoms of the nastiness that is possibly inside me. I go from wanting to talk to my mum, any friend, anybody about this to not wanting to worry anybody over what could be nothing. People have enough of their own stuff to deal with.
I feel numb, I feel completely, utterly distraught, I cannot bear the thought of not seeing my children grow up and not growing old with my husband and yet these thoughts are constantly near me. I have been looking forward to growing old.
I see the end of things. I am so, so scared, for myself, for my darling husband, for my wonderful daughters. There are so many things I need to show them. To tell them.
I am scared of what could be real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I am sorry for dumping it all on here in this incoherrent mess, but I just do not know what to do...

Thank goodness you posted on MN, because you know someone will come along soon who will have knowledge/experience that will help you.

In the meantime, all I can say is that I am so sorry you're going through this, and I really hope that in a couple on months time you'll look back knowing you're in the best of health, and thinking how such a scare makes us all realise what the really important things in life are.

Bless you for not wanting to worry those who love you, but maybe just share with one person, who could give you some RL support?

Sending love.

I am not sure if my point of view can be of any help but everyone will worry if they were in your shoes.
How else?
It is important to talk about it - that's why forum like this is amazing - I am sure others with more to say will come with more help.
From me {{{{{big hug}}}}} for you.
I don't know what I would do, probably have big melt down as well....

I read your message and just wanted to say that I feel for you and am sending you big hugs. You sound wonderful and strong. Dont fear the worst. Two weeks is a hellish long time though isnt it. You will get through this and I hope and pray that this is just a scare for you and as a previous poster said, a reminder to live everyday to the full and love all this life has to offer xxx

Thank you so much for posting. The rational me thinks so (hopes so) but the scared little animal me is winning at the moment.
I have just spoken to both my mum and my sister and managed to hold it together. They live in another country and there really is no point in worrying them.
I will talk to one person in RL, I think. But having people respond here is also great help, thank you again.
I will go and spend some time with DH and come back later. Please don't think I don't read the replies or ignore them.

I think is good to have good cry and not to feel that you are bothering others!
They want to help even if by holding your hand and saying few words to you.

I think as a grown up and a parent we rarely allow ourselves to let go and show how scared we are.

Hi scorpion have a big virtual hug from me.
Earlier this week I posted my first ever thread while waiting on results on a blood test for ovarian cancer. The support I got on here got me through as I hadn't told anyone in RL. I hope you get the same and I feel for you deeply. I had 2 days to wait and that was hard enough never mind 2 weeks.
I have still to get more scans and further tests as do have what appears to be an ovarian cyst but blood results are ok. I have since told immediate family (not DCs) some of what I've been told but played it down as, like you, don't want to worry them.
I am trying to be strong but it is hard. What has helped me, but may not be right for everyone, was to find out what I could be dealing with and what treatment was available. Do you think this might be useful to you? Fear of the unknown can be hard to deal with.
I don't know much about what you are being tested for so can't offer you much practical support with that but here if you need to vent!

Sending you xx

Oh op you poor thing. Have they given you any indication from your blood tests? I have been having night sweats too (I'm 37) and googled the possible cause - I'll go & see the gp tomorrow. Anybody in your shoes would feel exactly the same, this is the worse part though the not knowing - I hope that you have positive news xxx

Big hugs OP. Sending lots of positive vibes to you x

Reallybadday, I am sorry to know you are going through similar, I am keeping my fingers crossed for good results of further tests. You are right, the time to wait is just awful.
I did look the condition up on the NHS webite and Cancer Research one as well. It is scary.
Flossiechops, I was initially told to check my chest first, hence the X-ray. The thing they found in my chest led to further, blood and urine, tests.
Yes, I think you are right. I need to talk to somebody. It can't be DH, as I can't bring myself to open up to him in this way. He's not used to seeing me this low.
Thank you again. I really do feel better having posted. Like a huge dark wave receded.
Goodnight.

((Hugs, Huge ones))
Of course you're going to worry and be afraid - nothing anyone can say will change that but you can try to keep control of the reigns, for your own sanity. (easy for me to say right now, I do appreciate)
Have a good cry to let the emotion out then tell yourself NO MORE! - there's a life to be getting on with here ;)

Distract yourself, as much as possible, with the dc and dh - go running to clear your head. If the thoughts start creeping in - get up and go dance with the dc for a while, it'll lift your mood or go get a hug from dh. Limit the headspace you give this for the next few weeks.

Keep coming here and it's great that you've decided to tell someone in RL.

Deep breaths and keep breathing Skorpion The waiting is awful but you will get through it.
Lots and lots of positive thoughts and more ((hugs)) Xx

Goodnight skorpion, will be thinking of you x

X posted with you.
I understand why it's difficult to speak to dh. It's tough when you're always strong.
I'm so glad that you feel a little better by posting here.
Goodnight and I hope you enjoy a peaceful sleep.

Skorpion - is there anyone at the hospital that you could speak to? The department I am under (melanoma clinic) offers counselling to those diagnosed with cancer, or even those waiting to find out. I didn't take advantage of it, but it was quite reassuring to know it was there. Or anyone you have at work? Any trained counsellors?

The waiting period is the worst. My DH was worse than useless. I did find it quite cathartic to have a huge cry in the shower before going to work - I managed to hold it together a bit better then. When you have the tests, ask them when you will get the results, and how. I got a letter telling me that "the earliest possible appointment" had been made for me at the melanoma clinic (which was about a week's time). Melanoma has killed so many members of my family, so I thought the worse, but managed to track down a nice nurse about a few days later, who told me the results (which were the best they could possibly be).

Good luck. xxx

Good Morning and thank you.

I feel OK today, much more calm. I have a full day on so will not have too much time to stop to feel sorry for myself. And will go out for a run tonight.

Thank you again. I've always loved this site and you have been great help.

Good morning. Keeping busy is a good idea. Enjoy your day x

Good to hear OP

For those who are or have been through something similar.

Just adding a hug to you, OP. Waiting for test results is the pits, and that 'I can see the end' cycle of thoughts is familiar to so many of us who have been in that situation - regardless of outcome!

I don't know what was 'something' in your blood tests, but I do know that 'somethings' on bones in your 40s is not uncommon (think arthritic changes) and night sweats at 40 also not uncommon (think hormones). But nothing takes the worry out of waiting except hard facts.

I hope your busy day and running helped chase the scary thoughts away for now, and that you sleep well tonight xx

A much better day today, I think staying busy is the answer, the weekend was a bit of a nightmare. Thank you for all the positive thoughts, it is so hard to think of anything positive when faced with what I was told on Friday by my GP. I never thought I had so mych pessimism in me...
Will focus on tasks rather than thoughts for the near future. It seems to work.
MrsSchadenfreude, I meant to say glad to know all is well.
Keeping all going through something like this in my thoughts.

Good luck with your appointment. Everything crossed for you.

The waiting REALLY is the worst. Ten years ago I was told after months of faffing with GPs that I had a 10cm tumour on my ovary. I then had a two week wait to see the specialist. The two week wait was the worst bit of the whole thing - my head ran wild, I could not sleep, I was falling to bits. After further tests it was established I did have cancer and the surgeon went in....he removed 90% of my ovaries but left me a tiny bit in case it was NOT cancer (I had yet to have a family). The biopsy (another wait) showed I had a rare type of cancer that was very slow growing and would kill you over ten years....and was very slow to spread. I had time to have one child and then the symptoms returned and I had to have a total hysterectomy. But, what i am trying to say, is that you are in what was the worst bit for me - the initial wait. Once you get through this - whatever happens - you will be able to act. It's the not acting that's so gutting. Wishing you all the luck in the world. Do come on here and ramble, it's so good for you.

Thank you.
PowerPants, what a story, are you free of the disease now? Thanks for the sympathy.
It is such a swing of emotions. Both DH and I are not sleeping well but we dare not to talk, not to make anything more real, I suppose. We just agree on common reasons. We've been together nearly 20 years, I sometimes get miffed that we don't talk about our relationship like other couples do, but then it hits me that we can communicate without words.
My GP was straight to the point and took action immediately. I think, in a way, it caused more of a shock, to go from silly night sweats, that I very nearly didn't mention at all, to have this possibility hanging over me.
I read about immunoglobulins, the raised levels of two of them can mean any number of things. Rheumatoid arthritis and other autoimmune stuff, a blood disease, which may or may not lead to cancer, the cancer itself.
I went for my run last night, nearly 6km and I felt physically fine. How can this be happening?
Work, work, work, must keep busy.

Hi Skorpian

Just wanted to say, I Am also 40 and have two kids similar ages to you.

I found out by chance a few years ago that after the birth of my first child my GP had my blood tested for multiple myeloma, this was because of a raised protein in my blood. I didn't know anything about it at the time which to be honest was probably a good thing as I also had really bad anxiety and PND. Anyhow, obviously I didn't have the MM but I did and do still have the abnormal protein, which I have since found out is a risk factor for developing the MM. To be honest I barely think about it now as to a large degree what will be will be. Also there really are worse things to get than MM ( honestly I am not saying this lightly) but for many,people it is something they live with longer term rather than die from if you see what I mean.

Anyhow, your funny blood test and something on the rib is almost certainly not MM, but if it is worst case scenario you will be treated and life will continue.

Keep posting. X

Another day gone and still nothing in the post... Feels like ages now, not five days.
Much more calm today. I told a friend during walk back from school in the morning. She was great, it was a good idea to tell, even though I still feel that it's just putting a burden on her. I know I have someone I can talk to if things become too much and she'll be there for me.
I am not imagining the worst anymore, not playing out grim scenarios in my head. Just feel very sad and tired. Poor DH is the same.
Mrshumptydumpty, I know, everything can be put in perspective. I've read about the proteins and the blood condition and I know only a minute percentage will progress into MM. It's the not knowing that is the pain. Once I know I'll be able to focus on next steps.

That was a bit confusing last paragraph with far too many 'know's in it. But I hope you get what I mean.

Hi skorpion, how are you doing? I am completely cancer free now after the hysterectomy. However, I have been left with immune problems such as rheumatoid arthritis but it is a small price to pay. Really hoping you have heard something and the wait is over....