I need to write this or I'll go mad

[skorpion]

I may go mad regardless...
I saw my GP to ask about night sweats, was sent for a chest x-ray which showed something on my rib. After some tests on urine (clear) and blood (something showed up) I am being refered for further tests to rule out multiple myeloma. Bone marrow cancer.
This is fast tracked so I will be seen within two weeks.
I am 40, my children are 5 and 3. I am healthy, there's nothing to alarm me about my health. I started running in the last few months. I feel quite fit.
And now this.
I am driving myself insane with worry, burst to tears of utter, utter despair at completely random moments. I have a constant headache and keep thinking up pretend symptoms of the nastiness that is possibly inside me. I go from wanting to talk to my mum, any friend, anybody about this to not wanting to worry anybody over what could be nothing. People have enough of their own stuff to deal with.
I feel numb, I feel completely, utterly distraught, I cannot bear the thought of not seeing my children grow up and not growing old with my husband and yet these thoughts are constantly near me. I have been looking forward to growing old.
I see the end of things. I am so, so scared, for myself, for my darling husband, for my wonderful daughters. There are so many things I need to show them. To tell them.
I am scared of what could be real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I am sorry for dumping it all on here in this incoherrent mess, but I just do not know what to do...

Hope your CT scan went ok Skorpian, I have been thinking of you x

Yes Skorpion - how did it go?

What happened with you yesterday Baby? Do you have the results?

Hello Carb,
Thanks for thinking of me. I had the all clear from my MRI scan, I've lost three weeks of my life being utterly terrified, but I'm very relieved and happy I don't have anything sinister!!

I still need more investigations regarding stomach/reflux issues which is fine.

Still thiinking of Skorpian and anyone else waiting for test results it's such an anxious time x

Great news Baby
I'm glad you've got an end to the sinister side of things

Still thinking about you Skorpion - hope all is well.

Hi and thank you. Scan this Tuesday and the follow up appointment with the haematology specialist on Monday week. I have really been fine recently. Had a lovely evening out with DH yesterday and a really good chat about the whole thing. I'm back to my usual 'we'll worry about it when we know what we need to worry about' self.

Babyh, great to know all is well. Put a line under the three weeks and look ahead.

I'm hoping to be on here in 8 days' time saying exactly the same thing.

Glad you've not been stressing yourself too much lately.
Long waits have a lot to bloody answer for, don't they.

I hope, at least, the scanner says something like ''all looks well''
they rarely do though, it's usually ''your Dr will discuss the results''
The last time I had a womb/ovaries/tubes scan done she told me there and then that there wasn't anything wrong.
Fingers crossed they say something to completely put your mind at rest.

Thank you, CarbeDiem. They didn't tell me anything but at least the scan went really quickly. The results will be with the haematologist whom I'm seeing on Monday. In the grand scheme of things, it is not too long to wait now.
I did have a tearful wobble when, after the scan, waiting to be checked that I wasn't going to faint, some old guy in the waiting room replied to an innocent question: 'Well, I wouldn't be here if all was alright, would I?'. Funny, what can knock you down just when you think you're OK with everything.
I need a nice long bath. I can still smell the vinegar smell from the hospital gowns on my skin.

Maybe the guy'd had a rather long wait or got out of bed on the wrong side this morning how rude :)

Yes you are right - Monday is not too long away, then it will be over and you can forget about all of this.
You just try to keep on being strong.
Hope you enjoy your long soak, I love a nice hot deep bubble bath, can spend hours in it :)

Just popping along to see how your doing Skorpian, not too long to wait now....hope the days fly by until Monday and all is well x

This week's almost done Skorpion just the weekend to get past. Monday will be here before you know it.
Hope your okay.

I Hope your doing ok Skorpian, I will be thinking of you tomorrow xxxxxxx

Good luck today Skorpion.

Thank you again for thinking of me, I'm touched.

All is well. Nothing sinister. They did some thorough tests, the CT scan showed some bizarre things from my past (some old infection traces in my lung, the doctor said that it may have been TB - TB?? - I have not had this, I'm quite sure; then I mentioned I had a really bad pneumonia, was hospitalised when I was about 6 months old, and that can be apparently still evident, erm... 40 years on...??), there is an old fracture on my rib. I obviously must have some double life, sleepwalking getting into trouble.

But, nothing, NOTHING sinister and causing concern. I thought I was going to pass out leaving the hospital. The knots you can tie yourself in to over things...

Thank you again for all your support, it has meant so much when I couldn't articulate my darkest thoughts out loud. Thank you xx

Very glad to hear this!

Brilliant news I'm so glad for you.

My Dh has something similar with one of his lungs - whenever he's had an xray as an in patient at hospital he's been quarantined immediately after until samples are tested and come back negative :) He's never had TB but apparently his scarred lungs look like it's active. Weird isn't it.

Great news Skorpian xxxxxxx

i hadn't seen your thread until now but i just wanted to say i'm really pleased you have had the all clear