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Original poster

I need to write this or I'll go mad

68 replies

skorpion · 08/02/2015 20:22

I may go mad regardless...
I saw my GP to ask about night sweats, was sent for a chest x-ray which showed something on my rib. After some tests on urine (clear) and blood (something showed up) I am being refered for further tests to rule out multiple myeloma. Bone marrow cancer.
This is fast tracked so I will be seen within two weeks.
I am 40, my children are 5 and 3. I am healthy, there's nothing to alarm me about my health. I started running in the last few months. I feel quite fit.
And now this.
I am driving myself insane with worry, burst to tears of utter, utter despair at completely random moments. I have a constant headache and keep thinking up pretend symptoms of the nastiness that is possibly inside me. I go from wanting to talk to my mum, any friend, anybody about this to not wanting to worry anybody over what could be nothing. People have enough of their own stuff to deal with.
I feel numb, I feel completely, utterly distraught, I cannot bear the thought of not seeing my children grow up and not growing old with my husband and yet these thoughts are constantly near me. I have been looking forward to growing old.
I see the end of things. I am so, so scared, for myself, for my darling husband, for my wonderful daughters. There are so many things I need to show them. To tell them.
I am scared of what could be real. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
I am sorry for dumping it all on here in this incoherrent mess, but I just do not know what to do...

OP posts:
Original poster
skorpion · 12/02/2015 09:31

Hi PowerPants, what a good result, very happy to know.
Nothing yet, if I don't receive anything in the post today I will call my GP. He said wait till Friday, but I am not leaving anything to the last minute before the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
skorpion · 12/02/2015 19:04

He hasn't done it. The GP told me we have to rule out cancer, it would be fast tracked as it is very urgent and then didn't refer me. Didn't contact the haematology department. Forgot. Had I not called in today to chase (having been told to wait until Friday) it would still not be done.
I have just spent the worst week of my life and now this.
I am too tired and drained to even get angry.

OP posts:
badRoly · 12/02/2015 19:09

Oh Skorpion, I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling right now xx

Original poster
skorpion · 12/02/2015 19:20

I don't think I'm feeling anything right now... I just want to wake up.

OP posts:
badRoly · 12/02/2015 19:21

Did the GP say when you will now hear anything? I assume he's definitely done the referral now?

Original poster
skorpion · 12/02/2015 19:26

I spoke to a different GP and she said I should have a phonecall soon. I just need to focus on that, she was much more reassuring.

OP posts:
reallybadday · 12/02/2015 19:51

That's awful for you. I hope you get some good news soon.

Idiotdh · 12/02/2015 19:56

I can't tell you online as a dr what this is or isn't and you will have to go through the referral process, but you are a bit young for the usual age of MM( usually over 40 and most over 60). Wait and see first what happens.

Original poster
skorpion · 12/02/2015 20:20

Yes, thank you. I know that I need to be seen by a specialist and it could be a number of things. Last weekend was a nightmare because it had been such a shock to have this sprung on me out of the blue, I wasn't thinking rationally and was imagining worst things.
I don't think like that anymore, I'm just tired and want to know what's going on.

OP posts:
CarbeDiem · 12/02/2015 20:35

That's shit Skorpion absolutely shit.
Try not to let it knock you back, difficult I imagine but keep focusing on keeping busy.
On friday night while as relaxed and calm as possible - visualise a box - lock these bastard thoughts, fears, doubts and problems in there with chains and a key - put the key somewhere and leave it.-
-Promise yourself to enjoy the weekend with your family, have fun and relax without thinking about 'the problem' It's in the box, it's not going anywhere and will be waiting on monday for you let it out again.
Try it if it's not too woohoo for you.

Original poster
skorpion · 12/02/2015 21:10

CarbeDiem, that is very good advice, thank you. Not woohoo at all.
I have things planned to keep me busy over the weekend, which will be different to the last weekend.
It's really strange, I have always been the sort of person who would think until I have all the facts there is no point dwelling on what may or may not be. I was quite surprised at my initial reaction.
Thank you again for all your support on here. It really helped to calm me down.

OP posts:
Babyh200 · 13/02/2015 19:13

Skorpian,
I've just read your thread. I had an ultrasound on my abdomen today and am worried sick (Right rib pain) the sonographer wouldn't tell me anything...just said he would send the results to my GP, it's such a worry. I am exactly the same age as you, my youngest daughter is 15 months. Thinking of you and your family While you wait for your referral x

Babyh200 · 13/02/2015 19:14

Gonna try and follow Carbdiems advice over the weekend x

CarbeDiem · 13/02/2015 19:30

Ah Baby, sorry you're going through this too Flowers
Yes, do have a try at what I suggested earlier - it honestly really can help as a coping strategy once you get to grips with imagining :)
Good luck to you.

I hope everyone has a good weekend X

Original poster
skorpion · 15/02/2015 11:03

Babyh, thinking of you. It's very good advice and has worked for me so far this weekend.

OP posts:
CarbeDiem · 15/02/2015 19:13

Glad to hear it Skorpion Wink
Hopefully you'll hear something next week.
Stay strong Xx

Original poster
skorpion · 16/02/2015 12:40

I have my appointment next Monday at Pathology department. Partly glad I have the date, partly feeling like the minutes are stretching to infinity and I can't wait that long, partly annoyed that - had I chased earlier last week - I may have been seen already.
But, it's out of my control, so being annoyed about it is pointless.
At least I have the date now and this time next week I'll be very close to knowing what's going on. Apparently they'll be able to see the results at the time.
Hope all in a similar situation are doing well.

OP posts:
CarbeDiem · 16/02/2015 20:42

I'm glad they've gave you the date now (even though you should have had it much bloody sooner) That can't be changed now so don't be annoyed at yourself as you're right, there's no point.
Positive thoughts, stay strong Xx

Original poster
skorpion · 23/02/2015 18:36

Had my appointment today and the first results came in OK. The haematologist was great, very reassuring. He said that my blood tests that caused concern for my GP were actually not that bad and he didn't see anything alarming in the results he got today. To be sure he will arrange a CT scan and there are further blood results we're waiting for but overall a much more positive picture. I am still not completely believing that it's all clear, I'll wait for the remaining tests before I crack the champagne bottle, but today was so much more reassuring.
It was a horrible two weeks, worst ever. But hopefully this is all it is going to be, just a bad memory.
I hope all still waiting receive the best news possible, thinking of you.
Thank you again for your support, it really has helped me through this. I was much, much calmer.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 23/02/2015 18:40

That's good news. I know how grim the wait is.

CarbeDiem · 23/02/2015 21:37

Good to hear Skorpion. Hope the other tests and the CT are quick in coming.

shutupaboutstarwars · 24/02/2015 21:33

Hope the other tests etc come in ok. Have you been checked for vitamin d deficiency. Apparently can cause night sweats and also in some cases lesions on the ribs

Babyh200 · 25/02/2015 22:45

This is lovely news for you Scorpion I'm really glad things are looking good and hope this will all be in the past for you soon.

My gut instinct was right, the GP phoned me last Monday. My ultrasound scan showed 3 problems with my liver. The first is just a simple cyst but the other two are of unknown etoligy.

I've been waiting since last Monday for an appointment with a liver specialist and have been told I will need an MRI scan. So in total I have had 10 days of waiting so far, I flip flop from hoping it will be okay to complete despair.

When is your CT scan? Hope it comes through quickly!!

Original poster
skorpion · 27/02/2015 19:22

Babyh, have been thinking of you. I hope you can keep busy and distracted, it helped me so much. Have they said how long before your scan?

I have my CT scan on Tuesday week. Then the follow up appointment with the haematotogy specialist, probably (hopefully) Monday after that. I keep thinking that he would not have been so positive on Monday if it wasn't quite obvious to him that it's all OK. But still have the odd moment...

I will ask about the vitamin D, thank you. I suppose if this drama ends in no answers to the night sweats they will have to keep looking.

Wishing everybody a good weekend.

OP posts:
Babyh200 · 27/02/2015 23:53

Ah, thanks for thinking of me Skorpian I hope your feeling ok.

Well I saw a liver specialist and he said I do not have any 'RED FLAGS' which make him worry that these 'spots' on my liver are anything more than harmless lumps. He said I would have to be really unlucky for them to be 'cancer', I am having an 'MRI' scan on Monday to establish what they are so we are on similar timescales.

I've gone from what I thought was 'gallstones' to being totally terrified For my life. I know it's irrational but we haven't had the best of luck as a family in the last few years with a fair bit of tragedy so it's hard to stay positive.

Here to handhold for next Tuesday Skorpian, let's try and keep ourselves distracted over the weekend x