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Original poster

Mum won't see a Dr need advice please

66 replies

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 16:43

Mum has been in bed for 10 years after a fall. She has never sought medical help as she is very frightened.

My dad is her only carer which is 24 hrs a day as she can no longer walk unaided. She now apparently has a bed sore, dad is at his wits end but for some unknown reason neither will seek help.

How can a bed sore be treated without medical intervention? Is it possible? I'm really struggling to know how to deal with my parents.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/09/2014 16:56

Can you not phone her GP and talk to them yourself? They might be able to send a nurse out, would they accept that? I assume she's not being moved regularly enough as that's the cause of sores. Elderly people are at risk of sores breaking down and becoming infected, are your parent aware of this at all?

Original poster
Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 17:12

Thank you for replying Pobble, they are aware it could get infected and she's in pain but still refuses to have any help, not even a nurse.

She's not elderly she's late 60's, I don't know how to help either of them given that mum has expressed such strong feelings regarding any medical treatment.

OP posts:
divingoffthebalcony · 05/09/2014 17:21

Oh my goodness, ten years? And so young too.

Bed sores can be very serious indeed. Left untreated they can lead to infections that kill.

Your mum needs medical attention for a whole host of reasons I'm afraid - not least for (what I'm guessing are) mental health problems that prevent her from trusting anyone from the healthcare professions.

divingoffthebalcony · 05/09/2014 17:37

Honestly, I think you have two options:

  1. Respect her wishes, knowing that her condition will get worse and she may die
  1. Phone her GP and explain the whole situation, and she gets hospitalised against her will

Why does your dad enable her to call the shots like this? How does he cope being her 24/7 carer with no support?

Original poster
Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 18:26

I think option 1 is my only option at this point, my dad isn't coping well. Mum refuses to acknowledge that fact.

She's now not speaking to me as I have voiced my concerns.

OP posts:
Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 18:43

I think option 2 is your only option. Speak to the GP and then you have done something. You can't sit back and ignore what is going on.

Chottie · 05/09/2014 18:47

Bed sores do not go away, they need very careful management and specialist care. I can't tell you what to do, but in your situation, I would ring the doctor immediately and get things rolling. I would not be able to bear my mother being in constant pain.

BettyOff · 05/09/2014 18:55

You're in a horrible situation OP, I feel for you, but you have to decide which of the worst case scenarios you can best live with:

  1. She dies of a preventable and treatable condition and if someone had been informed she may have been able to be helped and had a good recovery but you know you have stuck to her wishes.
  1. She is treated against her will and has a successful recovery but resents you for going against her wishes and may not wish to see you.

I don't think anyone can tell you which of these is best for you as every person and family situation is different. I hope you can come to some solution and all goes ok and your Mum's health improves.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/09/2014 18:58

I would speak to the GP. They may be able to send someone out to the house that could build up enough of a rapport with your parents which will allow some treatment to be done. I would rather have my parents angry with me and recuperating, than risking a potentially deadly infection.

Pinkfrocks · 05/09/2014 19:50

Does your mum also have mental health issues?

Why has she been bed ridden for 10 years? What happened when she fell? Did she break anything?

Muscle mass declines hugely by lying in bed- can't remember the percentage per week, but after 10 years in bed her muscles will have wasted away and getting her mobile would be a huge task.

But why have things gone on like this for so long?

On another more serious note, if your parents are unable to make sensible decisions about their own welfare, have you ( and any siblings) considered talking to them about power of attorney?

My parents are much older than yours- but in their wills they have also included POA for me and my sister.

For you, this would mean you had some control over their care and what to do in situations like this.

Now, I'd phone the GP or make an appt and go and discuss it all.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/09/2014 19:57

You can phone the GP, my mum has done it for my grandparents.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/09/2014 19:58

Stbx finally did it with MIL - it took 2 years of nagging him to do it, but finally he did and now she is finally getting more support and she was actually much more accepting of it than he expected.

LaBelleDameSansPatience · 05/09/2014 20:06

If she has mental health issues, which, realistically, she must do ... she might, once diagnosed, treated and supported, actually find life easier. If you leave it, follow her wishes and she dies, you might find that it is very difficult for you. You need support for yourself, if nothing else.

Original poster
Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 20:23

I would like to intervene but she's definitely 'all there' and has on many occasions strongly voiced her wishes and so we have all respected those wishes.

A few years ago a GP visited but mum refused to see him, there is nothing it seems they can do. She would never speak to me again if I went against her wishes.

I will call her GP tomorrow and ask for advice, I feel totally helpless for both of my parents it's a never ending cycle. I wish it was as easy as just calling for help and having her seen to but it really isn't that black and white.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/09/2014 20:31

It never hurts to try. You might get lucky and they may be able to get a foot in the door somehow and build up some trust enough to get them to allow some help or support. Best of luck.

Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 20:31

Back to part of your original question OP a bed sore can't be treated without medical intervention. Untreated bed sores potentially have very, very, serious consequences.

You can telephone the doctors surgery to discuss your concerns, you do not need a face to face consultation.

Pinkfrocks · 05/09/2014 20:37

sometimes though you need to be cruel to be kind- ie go against her wishes.
she doesn't sound 'of sound mind' and this in itself is something the dr needs to be aware of because TBH they can section her if they think her behaviour is life threatening- which it is.

I only know this as DH's mum was on verge of being sectioned.

Fairylea · 05/09/2014 20:38

Does she suffer with depression? I'm assuming she must do because staying in bed for 10 years especially at such a young age is very odd and worrying. I'd contact the gp and say you are concerned for her mental health as well as her physical wellbeing. She may hate you for it but having experience with a parent like this at least your own conscience will be clear.

Original poster
Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 20:47

Yes I'd say she was depressed, she has no quality of life and as her full time carer neither does dad.

My brother and I have had a huge row because he believes we should continue to respect her wishes, I however can't stand by and allow her to be in pain. She's a very very private person and her dignity is all she has left (her words) to have a stranger intervene would be the worst possible experience for her that I doubt she would get over.

She is terrified, she doesn't have faith in the medical profession for which she has valid reasons. I feel completely stuck in the middle, I am worried for her, for my dad but also fear going against the grain.

She would honestly never forgive me. This I do know for certain.

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/09/2014 20:48

An additional worry would be what could happen if your dad took a fall. The older they get, the less sustainable this situation is. I think you do need to have them assessed for care, if for no other than selfish reasons - will the burden of caring for them fall entirely on your if your dad is incapacitated? I doubt you can afford to have your life taken over entirely by their illness and fear of doctors. A very difficult situation, OP, I sympathise.

Hoopalong · 05/09/2014 20:48

She is still young how has your dad coped all these years - would he agree to letting her see how her life would be if he became ill himself or needed a proper break? I think you really need to talk to your doctor.

WandaFuca · 05/09/2014 20:53

People can get trapped into a situation. Your father is trapped by your mother, and you're trapped by both of them. But a bed sore is where somebody has to draw the line.

Yes, speak to your parents' GP and ensure they know about the bed sore, because that is potentially life-threatening.

Maybe also ask the GP about you or they contacting social services vulnerable adult team. Although your parents are apparently in full possession of their mental faculties, your father is vulnerable because of the effects of being the sole full-time carer for such a long time. They may not be able to intervene at this stage, but they will understand the situation, and at least your parents will be on their radar.

Original poster
Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 20:53

Is there anything we can do ourselves for the sore, apparently it's a thumbnail size. Feel so bloody hopeless

OP posts:
iliketea · 05/09/2014 20:55

If it is a small bed sore, not infected and superficial then it may get better with good hygiene and never lying on it (i.e if it is on her bottom, never lying on her back, only moving side to side). However, pressure sores generally get worse, because by the time a wound appears, there is often damage below the skin. And because they tend to get worse, they have a high risk of infection, which can spread to the bone.

Can you try to see if your parents would see a district nurse? Sell it that they would be coming in to see if there was anything that could make their lives easier, not necessarily interfering in her choice to stay in bed. I would be happy to try that if a concerned relative called me up- make it clear that you are not expecting the nurse to share confidential information with you, but you are expressing your concerns about your parents. Often as a nurse, you have to go slow and build trust so patients learn that you are not there to dictate what they have to do, but work with them to find ways of making life easier.

The fact that you say she's got a sore suggests that she isn't moving at all - how does your dad help her to the toilet or get her dressed in the

Pinkfrocks · 05/09/2014 20:56

Respecting her wishes as your brother wants, will mean watching your mum die a long, and probably painful death- to be blunt.

Unless you and your dad intend her to die at home from possible blood poisoning from an infected bed sore- which will be very painful- then at some stage she will need to see a nurse or be hospitalised.

There is no other option- she will get worse if you do nothing.

someone needs to take control of this situation an if your dad and brother won't then it's down to you.

sorry to be blunt but your dad should have done something years ago- why on earth didn't he? No 59 yr old takes to their bed for 10 years unless there are real MH issues.

Please get your mum help.