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Original poster

Mum won't see a Dr need advice please

66 replies

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 16:43

Mum has been in bed for 10 years after a fall. She has never sought medical help as she is very frightened.

My dad is her only carer which is 24 hrs a day as she can no longer walk unaided. She now apparently has a bed sore, dad is at his wits end but for some unknown reason neither will seek help.

How can a bed sore be treated without medical intervention? Is it possible? I'm really struggling to know how to deal with my parents.

OP posts:

iliketea · 05/09/2014 20:58

Also, I would make it absolutely clear that a bed sore is likely to become infected. Without treatment, she's almost certain to end up in hospital and chances are she won't be getting out without accepting some sort of help. Getting treatment at home means she's more likely to have treatment on her terms rather than decisions being made while she is in hospital being treated for sepsis. Sometimes you have to be brutally honest with the truth.

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 21:01

She can only lie on one side due to the pain she gets in her back and legs, dad has to lift her to get her the toilet, they have made necessary changes to her room in order to make this as easy a transition as possible. She apparently is frequently using the toilet. However she's not walking herself.

I will call the dr tomorrow, mum isn't registered I don't believe but dad is. I just don't understand how they could enable each other like this and how she can be so bloody selfish. I'm worried sick

OP posts:

Hoopalong · 05/09/2014 21:03

You must have already pointed out loss of dignity greater if this continues but her worries make it so difficult for you all. Medical profession would hopefully be a good start go to doctor. If only for yourself ie you need to talk to someone who may help.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 05/09/2014 21:03

Slightly different tack-would your father agree to see a doctor? Even just for a preliminary chat? If he is cracking under the strain, he is going to need help before too long. So try and get him to agree to speak to someone with that in mind.

I'm very sorry to say this but you and your brother do need to face the fact that the status quo is not going to continue indefinitely. Before too long there will be a crisis of some sort and you all need to acknowledge that.

Would your mother agree to you trying to get her a proper hospital bed with an air mattress? It is much more comfortable and hygienic, and social services or a GP could arrange it. That would help prevent any more bed sores.

Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 21:04

You need to do something before this gets any worse. Your parents have become vulnerable and are in need of intervention.

The GP practice will not tell them who has contacted them if you ask them not to.

Another option would be to contact social services. This would delay medical intervention but it is better than doing nothing.

Contact Age UK www.ageuk.org.uk for advice.

I know you are in a difficult situation, but please do something before this situation gets any worse.

MrsRuffdiamond · 05/09/2014 21:07

This may be akin to putting a plaster on a broken leg, but.....as any medical intervention in the immediate future seems unlikely, you could try good old Sudocrem in the first instance. Bed sores are an indication for Sudocrem, according to the instructions.

Pinkfrocks · 05/09/2014 21:07

Be brave!

It's possible that your mum has osteoporosis too if she has been bedbound for 10 years post menopause, and she may well have spinal fractures that are the cause of her pain. She really needs a lot of care- hope she accepts it and it all works out.

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 21:07

Ok so tomorrow I call my dads dr and say what? If someone goes to see them she will refuse help. Then the shit will hit the fan.

What do I do??

OP posts:

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 21:09

I really appreciate the replies, I'm a mess, I am so upset that it's come to this. I cannot ignore this and so I'll risk being ostracised if it helps my parents.

OP posts:

springlamb · 05/09/2014 21:11

Can't you 'get the doctor in for your dad'.
All your dad has to do is stay downstairs. All you have to tell your mum is that dad's not well, you've called the doctor in. All the doctor has to do is shout up the stairs 'hello Mrs x, I'll just check Mr x over and then I'll pop up and tell you what his problem is cos you're his next of kin'.
Ring the doctor and tell him you would like a visit for both the parents if you really cannot fib. Your dad sounds like he needs help with stress.

Pinkfrocks · 05/09/2014 21:12

Tell them your mum is seriously ill and your dad won't come and ask for help because your mum has asked him not to.

OR call your own GP and ask for advice.

Your mum cannot refuse- she is bedbound. Unless she gets up and locks the door then your dad has to allow access.

You need to talk to your dad- he is next of kin and legally he will have to give permission for treatment if she is too ill to do so.

Why is he under her thumb ?

Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 21:12

In the first instance you contact the GP (you may find they are closed tomorrow) and then take it from there. There are other agencies you could contact over the weekend if you want to talk things through

Is there anyone supporting you OP?

It's not easy having to report something when you feel you are going against the wishes of other, but you are doing it for the right reason.

Ikeameatballs · 05/09/2014 21:16

I would add another POV.

There is a woman who has definite physical health problems and probable mental health problems. She is unable to leave her home at this point because of the way that those issues are interacting.

If you fail to try to seek medical attention at present then it could be said that you are neglecting her. I realise that this is not your intention OP but if your mum were to die, which is not unlikely, questions may well be asked about your family and if your lack of care, even though emotionally you clearly care very much, contributed to her death.

Your mum needs involvement by a healthcare professional who can build a relationship with her, treat her health needs and/or make a good assessment of her capacity to decline treatment and intervention. Please get help.

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 21:19

I only have my dh for support, no one knows. I can't explain my mum she's so private and even as kids we never discussed anything outside of the home.

I think my parents neighbours think she's left home! My dad promised my mum he would respect her wishes, I don't think either of them realised it would be this long. Dad is not coping and gets upset but still won't go against her. 40 years of being in a co dependant relationship I guess.. He can't see it and my brother would rather just be an ostrich, If I bring up the subject of getting mum help he immediately starts shouting at me.

I really am on my own in the decision.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 05/09/2014 21:21

There's respecting your parents' wishes and there's standing by while your mother's refusal to seek help likely endangers her own health AND your dad's

I think you do need to do what you feel is RIGHT.

Would your father agree to a visit from the GP? He needs support as much as your mum needs medical help.

Yes, as others have said, pressure sores can be very dangerous (apart from being v painful and v slow in healing)

Pinkfrock, yes, he or she or both can refuse entry to the house. People have every right to make bad choices (as long as they have capacity to understand what they are deciding).

I think for your sake, Unlabelled, you should make an attempt to get some help.

Do you know what your mum's objections/fear are wrt a medical person visiting? What does she think will happen??

In my professional life I have personal knowledge of 3 people (in 22 years of working) who took to their bed (for no apparent reason, including psychiatric) and just slowly… well, died. Died over the space of 20-30 years . One of them is only 40ish. It is a terrible way to lead ones life, but for some reason it seems to be the only way for a very small number of people.

Pinkfrocks · 05/09/2014 21:27

PacificI know that they can refuse entry to anyone. I just don't think the dad will TBH- he's torn between doing what his wife wants and what he knows to be right.

OP you need to join forces with your dad and make him see that he cannot continue like this- he's key to this.

PacificDogwood · 05/09/2014 21:29

Yes, I agree, dad might just need a little impetus to get the help I bet he'd secretly craves. Poor man. Poor mum. And poor OP.

It's a really difficult situation; so sorry you are having to deal with this, Unlabelled.

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 05/09/2014 21:31

You're all trapped by this. Your parents are in hell. They may not take the help you get them but do try. Would it work if you claimed your DH did it (so they don't break contact with you)? Would he agree?

Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 21:32

Have you got any friends you can speak to about this? It may feel like a betrayal of your parents trust, but you can't keep this to yourself and probably need support yourself. I am so sorry you have been put in this position. Your brother is not helping matters for you.

As I've said previously, there are other agencies out there who you can talk to about this.

addictedtosugar · 05/09/2014 21:42

there is some info on the NHS website regarding treatment of pressure sores.
But some medical intervention is needed. There is more to be sorted than just a sore.

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 21:47

Thank you so much for all your kindness and help, I feel like I have been grieving for mum for the last 10 years.

I can't tell her how worried I am, she gets all pissed off if I get upset, tells me I have no idea how she feels I can just 'get on with life'

I'm torn between loving my mum so much and being angry at her. It's a huge betrayal spilling the beans on here. I am constantly worried about them both but I do feel I should call the dr, if not for my mum for my dad.

OP posts:

Walkingwounded · 05/09/2014 21:56

If it came to the worst, what would you look back and wish you had done?

You need a clear conscience, and to know that you did the right thing. Only you know what that is, but you must be able at some point to look back without regrets.

divingoffthebalcony · 05/09/2014 22:02

You haven't betrayed anyone - this is completely anonymous.

I know you've been conditioned to believe that family privacy is everything, but please don't feel guilty for talking over your problems here.

I hope you manage to reach a decision you feel comfortable with, and keep us updated, if you can. Sometimes I think some people are beyond help, and it sounds like your mum gave up a long time ago, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try.

PacificDogwood · 05/09/2014 22:03

She has chosen not to 'get on with life'. Don't let her guilt you in to thinking that her not seeking help at the time of her fall is your fault (unless you actually did stop her from seeking help. But you didn't, did you? So, don't allow her to use that particular stick to beat you with!)

What she is doing is a very passive-aggressive act: trapping you in worrying about her, your father in caring for her, and your brother in being complicit with her. All v v dysfunctional.

Yes, she may be very vocal in how much she disapproves if you decided to blow the lid of this whole set-up, but that does not make it wrong.

You cannot change her behaviour (or your dad's, or your brother's) but you can chose to change yours. Refuse to be part of the big cover-up, emancipate yourself from the situation.

Which IMO would either mean to go no contact (which is a very hard choice to make and not something I'd advocate unless all other means of resolution have been exhausted) OR you do what your know is right. And live with the consequences.

V v hard

WipsGlitter · 05/09/2014 22:04

Did she need to become bedbound, or was it a choice?

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