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Original poster

Mum won't see a Dr need advice please

66 replies

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 16:43

Mum has been in bed for 10 years after a fall. She has never sought medical help as she is very frightened.

My dad is her only carer which is 24 hrs a day as she can no longer walk unaided. She now apparently has a bed sore, dad is at his wits end but for some unknown reason neither will seek help.

How can a bed sore be treated without medical intervention? Is it possible? I'm really struggling to know how to deal with my parents.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 05/09/2014 22:10

What injury did she sustain when she fell?
What led to the fall?
Was she in good health during the time of the fall?

I cannot help wondering what it behind all this tbh..

You do not have to answer me - you know you don't . But I think these are important questions to ask.

Have you heard the expression 'illness gain'?

PacificDogwood · 05/09/2014 22:13

Illness gain

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 22:15

Mum and dad argue a lot, he gets fed up with being at her beck and call 24/7 and she feels guilty for asking him. Clearly this situation isn't bad enough for her to realise. She isn't speaking to me after my visit today. I am not afraid to speak my mind and to say I am concerned and what I feel would be a good solution.

Mum got angry and asked me to leave, my brother just started shouting at me when he found out. My dad gave me a hug and cried. I don't really feel this is intervention for my mum at this point. She has decided to have the life she now has, my calling dads GP is for my dad to give him some support. He too can refuse that which he will at my mums request.

I don't know why she has such a hold over us, years of indoctrination maybe. She has had a really tough life and has been dealt some devastating blows. I think (I was abroad living at the time) her taking to her bed after her fall was only for recovery but I believe she found a safe place and so there she has stayed.

OP posts:

Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 22:16

Let's depersonalise this unlabelled.

Look at the facts; after a fall and no medical intervention, someone had been bed bound for 10 years, is in poor health with a pressure sore, has had no medical intervention for any reason, carer is struggling and under pressure not to seek medical assistance, neighbours are not even aware she is there. Would you suggest if this was happening to a stranger that things are just left it as they are?

Would this be acceptable if it was a child?

You are already stepping back as you know it is not right.

Would it be easier to speak to your own GP? They could get the ball rolling.

I'm so, so sorry that you are in this position; your pain is quite evident.

CitizenOfTheWorld · 05/09/2014 22:17

Sorry if third has already been mentioned.
From a health professional point of view an important issue would be whether your mum is capable of making a decision regarding treatment for her pressure sore.
If she has capability she is entitled to make a decision (even if deemed a "wrong" one by you or me)
If she does not have capability (eg if she has certain mental health issues) the decision needs tone made on her behalf.
You may tell her GP you are unsure As to her capability and want an assessment.

PicandMinx · 05/09/2014 22:17

OP, is this the first bed sore in 10 years?

Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 22:17

Crossed post

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 22:26

Yes first sore, I know she needs help and I know dad would be in a much better place too. I said to her today that if something happened to dad what would she do as neither I nor my brother would be able to care for her like my dad does. She said she would overdose..to which my reply was 'on what bach flower remedies' (She does not have access to any medication at all, unless dad gives it to her.

I told her clearly she needed help as only someone with mental health issues would say that…this then started the big row.

OP posts:

PacificDogwood · 05/09/2014 22:33

She may or may not have a mental illness; she could have a personality disorder or should could be making some kind of valid choice (I cannot see it, but that does not mean that it's not there).

There is a conspiracy of silence enabling her to trap all of you.
It is your choice whether you continue to be a part in it. A really hard choice, but a choice nonetheless.

People who fall and break their hip are not usually in bed all that long - active rehabilitation is really important, exactly because you want to get the person back to their previous functioning.
I suspect that the fall is a bit of a red herring.

PicandMinx · 05/09/2014 22:35

Thanks OP. Your answer makes me think that your DM's illness may not be all that she says it is. IME, it's unusual for a person to be bed bound for 10 years and only have one bed sore. There is definitely more to this situation than you may know.

Good luck speaking to the GP.

Pollywallywinkles · 05/09/2014 22:40

Speaking to someone may not change the situation, as others have said, she has the right to refuse treatment. But you will have done what you can. Put it in the hands of the professionals to do what they can.

Lucked · 05/09/2014 22:47

I think you have to be honest with her that you did this for your dad so that if anything terrible was to happen he (and you ) aren't engulfed by guilt for not giving it a go. The GP may be able to give your dad dressings etc without seeing your mum.

Original poster

Unlabelled · 05/09/2014 22:52

I've spoken to my dh and I've decided to see my GP and talk to her and let her do what needs to be done. I am so worried especially now, pressure sores I know are serious. Perhaps it'll take it getting more painful for dad to finally pull the plug.

OP posts:

Chooseyourplayer · 09/09/2014 18:28

OP- have you managed to seek any medical advice for your mom?

HelenaBeaumont · 18/02/2015 11:03

I feel sad reading this that so many people in the world seem to think medical treatment can be forced on a person. I have also made the decision to not receive medical treatment and to live out my natural, however short that may be (I am 23) due to bad experiences with medical professionals in the past, and I don't trust them. I have every right, as does your mother to refuse medical treatment, it is a privelidge that at one point people couldn't have even if they wanted to (and in some places that is still the case) Doctors are a public service provider not law enforcers. When will people get that into their heads? I really do worry about the world when I read things like this :-( Unfortunately there are also a lot of nurses and other HCPs who don't seem to know the law, and they will ultimately be the death of me, since I would rather die than let them anywhere near me.

Read: www.nhs.uk/conditions/consent-to-treatment/pages/introduction.aspx

ragged · 18/02/2015 21:40

Z O M B I E
I wonder what happened to OP?

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