Tamoxigang New Year, New Thread, *46*

[BetsyBoop]

Hands round a for everyone.

Meant to say Betsy I found that hair link again thank you

((((Hugs)))) to you, Goodness.

Malt - I debuted my no wig look at rugby this morning - no negative comments - the mums were all much more interested in my new boobs .

Writing on here must have been therapeutic!

I was able to fall asleep OK last night and actually slept from about midnight until 10:20am!!! (The wine probably helped too.)

The manic/hyper feeling has subsided too. The power of a good night sleep possibly.

No chemo for another week, so hopefully I can stay away from the sleeping tablets for the next 8 days.

Mom that's great a good nights sleep makes everything a little bit better
Kitkat well done bet it was cold and wet at rugby though hope you didn't have to show off your boobs !

Mom and Really - I am two weeks post Tax and am also not sleeping properly. I lie in bed at night with my mind racing, also having lots of dark thoughts. My energy levels are at an all time low too, (although I am eating lots)! I am also freezing cold - sat here cuddling a hot water bottle.

Goodness I think panicking is only natural. Not on your scale at all but when I knew I was going to have another MRI scan I spent everynight dreamiing that I was being buried alive. It was horrible and weird as although I was worried about the scan it didn't consume my every waking thought.

Not long until Tuesday and the waiting will be over. I view all of this crap we are going through as a process. I'm not interested in fighting it but I just want to deal with each part of the process and move on. Hoping at each point that I will be in a position to move on in a positive way.

I feel poorly today probably because I am so severely anaemic (find out quite how bad in tomorrow's blood test). I use a 1-10 scale with ds (9) so he can understand how rubbish I am feeling day to day. Today is a 3. I reckon we may have to go in negative numbers when I'm having chemo! Mind you I'm sure my mood and tiredness is also affected by the on-going search for ds's hamster which escaped yesterday. I was up at 4am having a good look for him.

tiny and mom sounds like we are all suffering a bit with Tax! I know what you mean about dark thoughts I have had some really awful thoughts over the last few days/nights. It's very odd to suddenly find myself thinking about the future, and realising that my future now is nothng like the future I thought lay ahead!!

I know how ridiculous that must sound, because even before diagnosis, none of us knew what lay ahead. But I suddenly see now that Breast Cancer will always be a part of my life! When first diagnosed I was thinking, it's okay in a few months the treatment will be done, and I can get back to my 'normal' life. But the truth is life will never quite be the same!

I wish I could just stop thinking too hard about things and concentrate on the here and now. But in the middle of the night when I'm lying in bed alone, it's hard to not 'think'! I'm currently struggling with thinking about the past and the future, so quite frankly driving myself mad! Although I did share with my BCN who suggested maybe looking into some alternative therapies to learn to deal with the stress! It's something I will look into.

To finish on a positive! I am actually feeling a bit better physically today! Pain and numbness in my fingers has got better! I have been able to eat a bit more today, and I did sleep for 4hrs last night!! I'm hoping that might mean that I will have a much better week at work, and a better weekend next weekend.

Sending (((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))) to goodness being scared is totally understandable, but remember you are not alone. Xxxx

malt - thankfully they had indoor training due to the state of the pitch and weather (would not have gone if outside). Did not actually have to show boobs off - mainly due to dressings, sports bra and woolly jumper though - not due to lack of interest. Have said I will wear a low top as soon as it is warm enough so they can all appreciate the new clevage .

My DH said I looked really healthy today - which is nice to hear and great for confidence with the hair!

Well, I'm still worrying about the hamster, bisjo. Searching for a small, elusive, furry creature at 4am is more than one needs. And they can get into some very small spaces. Are you leaving food out? There might be some cases where a domestic panic acts as a distraction, but this sounds like too much stress. So sorry you're feeling so rotten; hope you can get the anaemia sorted.

really, glad you're feeling better physically but sorry that your mind is on the rampage with such tough things (and so familiar). Let us know where you get to with alternative therapies. I'm going for reflexology and acupuncture, but frankly I'll try anything. And I keep meaning to meditate but always put it off.

malt, did you get your meal out in the end?

Wishing all the non sleepers a much better night tonight and sweeter dreams to all...

I did thank you wren eventually found somewhere that wasn't fully booked on a Saturday night !

Kitkat that was a nice comment from dh

Really glad you're feeling better physically at least

Watching the jump but it's a bit slow !

Yes, we watched Jump. My non skiing, non sporty, height hating ds's and DH took great delight in criticising the skill level. Happy sofa sports!

Wren I'm hoping he will come out tonight with the enticement of a pancake, peanut butter and grape canape. I've set a bucket trap which I'm told should work but I think I'll be up again in the middle of the night to check. I'm hoping the hamster didn't see Jump or else I've no chance of finding him!

I can't remember who said what, but want to tell you all how much your support (however virtual) has meant to me over the last few weeks. Thank you for not telling me to shut the f up or to go elsewhere.
I've currently no pain but that of my emotional angst, shock and desperation. Tuesday might just put me on an even keep as it'll give me something physical to deal with.
I've asked the surgeons to take photos of the bastard tumour (not my wirds exactly). They thought I was mad but unless I see something tangible it's so incomprehensible. I just feel like it's a big drama that could be about someone else. They've got the wrong guy! It'll be another week beyond this Tuesday before I'll finally know whether 'it' is benign or a sarcoma. Awful waiting.

Anyway, big hugs n hand holding to you Really and to everyone else going through whatever they're dealing with. That includes those who think their issues are relatively small. Everyone.
I wish you all a sound and pain free sleep.

bisjo I would definitely come out for pancake, peanut butter and grape. I remember catching my escaped pet mice as a child with food in the bottom of a leaning milk bottle, so I hope the bucket works!

Goodness, anyone would be scared in your shoes, but the op needs doing and you are going to get it done. Hopefully this time next week it will be water under the bridge and you can start recovery.

Really, I'm sorry to hear you have washing machine brain, it's so frustrating when your own mind sets about torturing you when you should be resting. I like an audio book in bed, it is just enough to keep my brain out of the spin cycle but not enough to keep me awake.

I am going out to lunch at Harvey nicks in Leeds with my mum tomorrow. I am wondering what to wear as I have put on 10llb over Christmas and have a fat butt. After 8 months feeling nauseous on chemo I have enjoyed eating everything in sight, time to cut back a bit I think.

goodness not much I can say except hope all goes well, of course your scared, but the deed must be done and like you say, tomorrow you will have something physical happening, it's just all the waiting that is soooo awful,
DF has his appointment today to find out the results of his biopsy, I'm a nervous wreck, the appointment isn't until 4pm, and I just feel sick with worry already, I didn't sleep well last night, I'm sure he's just as worried

Trice enjoy your lunch- I am so pleased that you are eating more given how poorly you were last year.

Honey- hope it goes well for your df. Waiting on results is the pits.

Goodness - gentle hugs as it's horrible wAitjng. I second trice advice on audiobooks , podcasts or talk radio if you can't sleep (tv can make me less likely to sleep). My only advice today is keep as busy as possible. Will pm you about other stuff.

I am struggling a bit to keep up- feeling ok so typical it's chemo again tomorrow and also get scan results to see if it's working.

Good luck with the scan results, gigs.

Talking books and podcasts sound really sensible: I'll stock up. Thanks for the suggestions.

Enjoy Harvey nicks, trice. A really nice plan.

honey, good luck today. Horrible horrible waiting.

Goodness, as others have said, you will be getting on with it tomorrow and action is better than waiting. Really good luck.

Morning everyone :)

Goodness I'm glad you haven't got long to wait now. How long will you have to stay in and will you have wifi so you can let us know how you are ?

Trice sounds lovely have a good day

Honey good luck to your df

Gigs glad you're feeling ok, how many more chemos have you got ?

2 weeks to go till I start rads and I'm bored bored bored ! Trying to plan nice things this week and catch up with people I've not seen for a while

Morning everyone - goodness i know it will be better to get that bugger out. The waiting is just awful. I'm in on Wednesday to get mine out and wait till the next Friday for results too. But just focus on getting rid of it.

honey i hope 4pm comes round soon and hoping for good results.

How are you doing updating? when do you get your pathology results?

have so much work to do before my op on wednesday. struggling to focus. but with that and my tax return i can certaily say i'm distracted...!

Morning all - just to say hi!

Thanks everyone, may we all have a calm day

I'm impressed you're managing to work, harriet! And definitely not surprised your focus is a bit awry. But, as you say, distraction is good: the unexpected benefits of tax returns, eh?

Just trying to keep busy until this afternoon, why couldnt he have a 9am appointment??
Found some inspirational cheesy music and have been playing it on full blast and singing along, little mix,little me
Try it, it's a good stress reliever! But the cat thinks Iv lost the plot (which is probably true!)