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Original poster

I have a problem with drink.

97 replies

Kwitter · 18/11/2013 15:26

I've been pussyfooting around for quite some time now, telling myself that I don't have a problem just a stressful life- work, family, relationships, finances etc and having a drink in the evening to help me chill out is perfectly normal. It used to be, way back when it was just one or two glasses and I didn't wake up every day with a hangover and wondering what I said or did the night before. It's getting difficult to hide the amount I drink and it's definitely affecting my work. I'm getting through maybe a bottle and a half a night, wine that is.
I'm a really unpleasant person and the shame is unbearable.
I'm scared of developing a drink related illness and everyone finding out what I'm doing to myself.
I don't know if I need to stop drinking forever but I do know I need to stop right now.
So, I'm setting myself a challenge. In the run up to Christmas I will not touch a drop, I'm going to reset my tolerance then I will assess whether I can drink more acceptably or if I need to stop completely.

I'm putting it on the record here because I can't bear to talk to anyone I know and I need someone else to know.
I'm dreading it though, just the thought of it makes me want to pour myself a large glass...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwitter · 20/11/2013 19:17

Dangerous thoughts driving home tonight. The Christmas 'do' is coming up and I have the chance to stay over in town. Was thinking "what harm will a glass of sparkle with my meal do?"

It will be safest to drive home instead, that way there is no way I can drink.
After the meal it will probably degenerate to drunkenness so I will want to leave then but if I'm staying over I would have to stay out until others were ready for home. So dangerous.

It's a few weeks off so will probably be much easier by then. Should put it out of my mind for now. One day at a time.

Another drive home without stopping for wine tonight, phew.

Still so very tired though, have some night Kalms somewhere so might hit that little bottle for an early night instead...

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 20/11/2013 19:41

Definitely take it one day at a time.

Hope you have a restful sleep tonight.

tribpot · 20/11/2013 19:58

Christmas, especially the first Christmas, is a very difficult time, so whilst you don't want to obsess about the night out, it's best to think of a strategy in advance and lay the groundwork. This way you can let people know you're going to drive, and come up with a plausible reason why you can't stay over.

I will say a meal in a restaurant is a very strong trigger for me, and probably the only thing I really miss is a glass of wine with a meal. To be honest, in your shoes I would pull out of the Xmas meal - that's a very difficult event to have your first sober meal out at. I would want a smaller, less pressured do with people I trusted and who knew my situation.

How are you doing with finding an AA meeting?

Bowlersarm · 20/11/2013 20:24

Well done Kwitter. You're doing brilliantly.

Original poster
Kwitter · 20/11/2013 20:37

I feel ok about saying I have plans the next day/gas engineer coming early or whatever I need to say.
There is a team night out this week and I just said I have plans (I've distanced myself enough from my team that I didn't need to say anything else). Not really proud of that but hopefully I can repair it in the future.

I will take that advice on board tribpot, I'll decline the offer to stay over and just see how I feel nearer the time. Worst case scenario: DS is ahem, poorly and I pull out.

There is a meeting on Friday night I plan to go to, ideal as Friday is going to be tough. By the time I get home from the meeting, the little offie round the corner will be shut.

This evening, I'm feeling the strangest sort of calm, ruthlessness about not drinking, as if I'm playing hide and seek with someone I despise a little. Getting a sadistic kick out of it. Funny old brain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwitter · 20/11/2013 20:41

Thanks for the positive comments, much appreciated. :)

I'm off to get settled for bed, take some Kalms and read a bit more of the thread. Am on the second one now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kwitter · 21/11/2013 15:02

The fourth day without drink and the real reason I'm unhappy in my life has become very much apparent, it was there all along but whilst I was focussing on drinking it was easy to ignore. Time to get some help on that subject and put the time and energy I've been wasting on wine into solving the problem with the package.

As an aside, if anyone else is thinking of trying twinnings liquorice tea, don't; it is a by product of hell's sulphurous cesspits. This is fact not opinion.

OP posts:
Elibean · 21/11/2013 15:48

Another 24 hours, Kwitter, well done Smile

I know what you mean about that sadistic, angry part being helpful sometimes - I had that when I quit smoking ( a few years after I quit drinking). It took me through the first few days.

FWIW, Teapigs does the best liquorice/peppermint tea on the planet...

Only a day till that meeting x

Bradsplit · 21/11/2013 15:50

was it wine that was your tipple?
I find a nice tonic water ( like you are doing) with MASSES of ice and a straw( no idea) and half a lemon squeezed in to be an ace wine substitute

DramaAlpaca · 21/11/2013 16:39

Good going, Kwitter.

Liquorice tea sounds utterly disgusting, but IMO all herbal teas are disgusting. Lime & soda is much nicer.

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis · 21/11/2013 16:50

After disgracing myself one too many times 7 years ago I knocked drinking on the head during the week, and allow myself to have a few glasses of wine on either a Friday or a Saturday night, never both. You can do it. I feel about a million times better, both physically and mentally. I had some cbt to help with my poor self esteem which really helped.

tribpot · 21/11/2013 20:22

Best herbal teas from me:

Tazo Camomile

Tazo Wild Sweet Orange

Lime and Ginger Sensation

Clipper Sleep Easy.

MyFabulousBoys · 21/11/2013 20:51

I have sparkling water in a long glass with lemon juice or sometimes fruit juice. Makes me feel like I am having something nice to drink without drinking if you see what I mean!

Stay strong

Original poster
Kwitter · 22/11/2013 16:24

Went to see the Doc today to see what if anything they might suggest, have been referred to the recovery centre but she was a bit Hmm about the fact that I hadn't had a drink all week;
So you last drank on Sunday? Yes
But not on Monday? No.
Or Tuesday? No
Wednesday? No
And not last night? No
Four nights? Yes.

I started to feel like a fraud and to doubt the wisdom of going to AA tonight but having re-read my posts above I'd rather make a fool of myself in sobriety than keep doing it through drink.

Good news is that I got her to double check the bloods I had done a couple of months back and kidneys and liver are fine. I'd like them to stay that way.

Also made a bit of headway fixing my main problem today, there is much work ahead but it feels good that there is some progress.

Last week was too busy going through the motions until I could have wine to actually do anything constructive.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 22/11/2013 17:26

You are doing really well.

I suspect the doctor probably sees more people in denial about their drinking then someone facing up to it.

tribpot · 22/11/2013 17:39

Yes, bear in mind (a) most* doctors are pissheads themselves and (b) the stereotypical problem drinker can't have 4 straight nights off the sauce.

You've done the right thing, and going to AA tonight is the right thing too. Keep it up!

*completely unjustified generalisation

Bradsplit · 22/11/2013 19:56

well done Kwitter

Bradsplit · 22/11/2013 19:57

and let us know how AA was

PLEASE there was Brad pitt there at the very least

Original poster
Kwitter · 22/11/2013 20:47

AFeckinA? Couldn't even find the damn place! I was driving around the estate 3 times then I parked up and walked around a bit. There was all these yoovs hanging around dimly lit alleyways smoking herb and it really freaked me out so I double timed it back to my car and came home! I'm more stressed out and wanting a drink now than if I'd just stayed at home in the first bloody place. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. And breathe....

Bollocks.

I actually really do fancy a glass right now.

What shit is on the idiot box to distract me?

OP posts:
OopsUpsideYourHead · 22/11/2013 20:52

Loads of good stuff on the box - 8 out of 10 In ten minutes.

Bummer that you couldn't find the meeting (did that myself once in a strange city in the pissing rain)

If you still want to go another time - call the AA helpline & they'll find someone (female) to meet with you to walk you in if you like.

OopsUpsideYourHead · 22/11/2013 20:54

Oh, and a dead giveaway to the location is a bunch of people lurking outside a doorway puffing on cigarettes. The door should also have the AA symbol hanging on the doorknob or somewhere in view.

Original poster
Kwitter · 22/11/2013 21:02

I've called them, left my number for someone to get in touch.

I'm back in control, he was a nice chap I spoke to, just chattered to me for a little bit.

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/11/2013 21:18

Sounds grim but you tried, and you haven't had a drink. Two important steps. And you've now spoken to someone who isn't a weed-smoking yoth so that's good too. Perhaps you can ask him where the naice people go for their meeting Grin (I would be looking for one in daylight hours, to be honest!)

Original poster
Kwitter · 22/11/2013 21:24

If you're after a fight tribpot, I'm in the mood...just let me finish skinning up.

OP posts:
tribpot · 22/11/2013 21:48

I think herbal tea might be more beneficial Wink

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