I have a problem with drink.

[Kwitter]

I've been pussyfooting around for quite some time now, telling myself that I don't have a problem just a stressful life- work, family, relationships, finances etc and having a drink in the evening to help me chill out is perfectly normal. It used to be, way back when it was just one or two glasses and I didn't wake up every day with a hangover and wondering what I said or did the night before. It's getting difficult to hide the amount I drink and it's definitely affecting my work. I'm getting through maybe a bottle and a half a night, wine that is.
I'm a really unpleasant person and the shame is unbearable.
I'm scared of developing a drink related illness and everyone finding out what I'm doing to myself.
I don't know if I need to stop drinking forever but I do know I need to stop right now.
So, I'm setting myself a challenge. In the run up to Christmas I will not touch a drop, I'm going to reset my tolerance then I will assess whether I can drink more acceptably or if I need to stop completely.

I'm putting it on the record here because I can't bear to talk to anyone I know and I need someone else to know.
I'm dreading it though, just the thought of it makes me want to pour myself a large glass...

[OopsUpsideYourHead]

Chatty lot those AA types, they're just happy to be sober mostly!

[Kwitter]

Currently abusing my taste buds with mint humbugs and tonic with lemon and my eyeballs and brain cells with I'm A Sleb...

Fridays don't get better than this! At least, not in my house...

[Kwitter]

So that's five days without drink.
I did want one last night after an hour of driving around pointlessly but I didn't and I should feel better for it.
I'm awake far earlier than I would normally be on a weekend but despite being in bed before midnight I don't feel rested, in fact, I feel a little over hung.
Where are these benefits of which the Sober speak?

[tribpot]

Heh heh. Because the benefits of alcohol are instant, you want the benefits of sobriety to be, too. Quite understandable.

Five days in and you're sleeping reasonably well, that's a fantastic start. Many people have weeks of disturbed sleep before their brains start to be able to react more normally.

You will still get a hangoverish feeling from disturbed sleep, but you will have more energy today than you would have done if you'd drunk last night. I remember reading something on MN from before I quit drinking where someone was saying she relished the feeling of being physically tired at the end of the day, instead of sick-and-tired all day every day, which is what my life was like then.

You're up early, it's a lovely day (well, it is here). Can you get out and get some fresh air? Blow the cobwebs away?

[Bowlersarm]

I've done day 5 too Kwitter. I feel slightly hungover this mornjngalthough I know I'm not. It's annoying. You feel like you should be feeling so fit and healthy and energetic.

I do feel a certain contentment that I just know that I don't have alcohol coursing through my liver, kidneys, blood, brain. It feels, sort of clean.

You are doing brilliantly Kwitter, keep going, one hour, one day at a time.

[Kwitter]

Nice one Bowlers (don't ask me, I've just seen the hoodies doing it)

After a morning of housework and grocery shopping then a bike ride with DS this PM I feel knackered!!

Will get ready for an evening of Strictly; possibly the first ever sober.

Tribpot that reminds me of a quote which was appropriated to Leonardo da Vinci I believe, something along the lines of...

As a day well spent brings happy sleep, so a life well used brings happy death...

Morose much? Mwahahaha!

This be evening 6 and I shall not be drinking, days have never been an issue re the drink which is probably why I didn't feel I had a big problem. It was always as 6pm approached that my alkie alarm prompted me to ask Is it wine o'clock yet? Whatever the deal, I do still hope I might one day be able to drink in moderation again. We shall see at Christmas if I am kidding myself...

Hooroo

[tribpot]

How are you doing today, Kwitter? Post sober-Strictly?

[Bowlersarm]

Hi Kwitter DS17 does this all the time, I think it's replaced the high five.

How was sober strictly? We watched as well (only me that likes it, DH and the DSes grumble!) with DH having a couple of beers. Didn't bother me in the slightest. I came to the conclusion it is just wine that I find so, so tempting. If he had opened a bottle of wine, I wouldn't have had any but I might have been a bit grumpy about it.

Enjoy your Day 7.

[Shinyshoes1]

Can I join ?

I don't drink during the week only at weekends but Friday night I got through the best part of a 1ltr bottle of Smirnoff
The weekend before ( 3 bottles of wine and 1/2 bottle if gin ) my ds carried my arse upstairs to bed as I was stupidly drunk
I'm also getting comments from ds2

I grew up with a drunk mum , she wasn't nasty or neglectful , just always pissed . She still is

I've got to break the cycle

[Shinyshoes1]

I didn't have a drink last night as I was suffering from the night before and hopefully won't be drinking tonight

Here goes day 2 for me

Good luck everyone :-)

[Bowlersarm]

Hi Shiny. Have you seen the other two threads on here that are currently running. 'DRY' for people who want to abstain totally, and 'Brave Babes' for people trying to give up/or cut down. They're both in 'Relationships', I think.

[tribpot]

Babes thread

DRY thread.

Shiny, I think it's mentioned above but the book that really helped me was this one. Really, really worth reading.

[Shinyshoes1]

Thank you I'll have a look at the threads and book link

[Kwitter]

Hi shiny shoes, of course you are welcome and good luck in breaking the cycle, I guess we have a duty to our DCs to sort ourselves out, it's not their job to put us to bed. God I hope my DS doesn't drink the way I do, I would hate for him to have this in his future. :(

I started this thread before I realised there were established support threads and have posted there myself. There are a lot of people with varying drink issues both giving and receiving support and I recommend posting there as there always appears to be someone available to chat when you need it. Also, I would hate to detract from what seems to be a brilliant support network.

Bowlers, Sober Strictly was ok; I remember it all. Think I found Bruno funnier when I was pissed :D
I'm with you on the wine only, I have a bottle of Eau de Vie in the cupboard which I haven't felt inclined to sniff never mind binge on.

I was up at seven today (unheard of on the weekend) and took DS to the coast for a bit of a jaunt. He said he had a good day. You can't beat a bit of Mum/Teenager bonding and we haven't been doing enough of it.
Day seven, sober and successful...will not be up late though!

Results time.

[Kwitter]

I'm not having the best of luck with these AA meetings. Actually found tonight's but it was an open meeting. There was about 50 people there and I didn't arrive late but they had already started!
Interesting to hear from those who shared including an Al-Anon member. Some stuff really got to me.

Going to try another...

[tribpot]

Well, that's progress at least. Does the AA website not list which meetings are open and which not?

[Kwitter]

Bloody hell! That is the second one I've turned up for but couldn't find!

Pissed off, going to bed...sober again.

Meh!

[tribpot]

So I think you need to arrange to meet a regular before the next meeting.

[weregoingtothezoo]

Kwitter you are doing brilliantly.
I can identify with everything you said in your earlier post that have been the consequences of your drinking. I'll be 17 months sober this Friday. I used AA in my early days, church is my support now. You are being so persistent. Definitely meet up with someone to go. If you're anywhere near me, I'd go to a meeting with you tonight.
Who has DS in the evenings? You've not mentioned a DH/P I don't think?
The dancing through the roses sobriety feeling starts to get mixed in with all the rest of life, because life doesn't stop coming. I'd expect you to feel rough for a few weeks physically, and emotionally it takes ages. It's worth it, it really is.

[Kwitter]

Success, finally got to meeting. Lots to think about. Going to sleep on the experience.

Sober again.

[tribpot]

Great! Bloody hell, I was beginning to think there was some kind of AA curse. Well done - really well done - for not using drinkers' logic on that and concluding it 'must' mean that you weren't in need of AA's help. That's what I would have done when I was drinking.

[Kwitter]

Still trying to work out how to feel about AA, I've not been again since, just too darn tired.
They seem like genuinely kind people which doesn't feel natural to me.
I'm sure that's my perception based on my own squewed sense of social interaction. I find myself extremely uncomfortable with people, when I try to be sociable (and I do have to try as it doesn't come naturally) if feels very false so I assume others are being false too.

Hmmm

[tribpot]

Well, it's not a social group - you aren't there to make friends. Could you ask them if you could be assigned to a sponsor, so you can talk it through one-to-one?

[Kwitter]

I'm not sure I agree with you. All the reaching out I've received makes it very much a social group. Everyone who shared at the meeting mentioned the support they had received. How can that possibly not be social. All the mobile numbers I've been given makes me think they need that social integration as much as I ought to.

I think to find self worth one has to put oneself out for others, so in signing up for AA I'm helping others who have joined before me to find their self worth. If I keep going my time will come. I just need to master the art of putting myself out there selflessly in anticipation of my time.

Is that why it feels false? Because the offers for support as genuine as they may honestly be, the bottom line is that I sense the underlying need?

I'm not discounting the bargain, it's not a bum deal by any means.

The offer is a hell of a big deal. But the question I have to level at myself is; " can I pay it forward?" " am I prepared to shoulder that responsibility?".

I guess its a small ask when you consider that the taxes (NI contributions) I currently pay are covering the pensions of my elders.

I'm overthinking this AA stuff aren't i?

Ffs, bedtime.

[tribpot]

Sorry - what I meant was, it is about support, not about being 'friends' with other members of the group. The people who've been there longer than you want to help pull you up out of the hole, as they were pulled up before you. It isn't, or shouldn't be, an ego boost for them (although there are occasional horror stories on MN where the dynamic can get rather dark). I don't believe you're expected to pay it forward, and in any case you're a long way yet from being ready to do that, even though you're doing great at staying sober.