I have a problem with drink.

[Kwitter]

I've been pussyfooting around for quite some time now, telling myself that I don't have a problem just a stressful life- work, family, relationships, finances etc and having a drink in the evening to help me chill out is perfectly normal. It used to be, way back when it was just one or two glasses and I didn't wake up every day with a hangover and wondering what I said or did the night before. It's getting difficult to hide the amount I drink and it's definitely affecting my work. I'm getting through maybe a bottle and a half a night, wine that is.
I'm a really unpleasant person and the shame is unbearable.
I'm scared of developing a drink related illness and everyone finding out what I'm doing to myself.
I don't know if I need to stop drinking forever but I do know I need to stop right now.
So, I'm setting myself a challenge. In the run up to Christmas I will not touch a drop, I'm going to reset my tolerance then I will assess whether I can drink more acceptably or if I need to stop completely.

I'm putting it on the record here because I can't bear to talk to anyone I know and I need someone else to know.
I'm dreading it though, just the thought of it makes me want to pour myself a large glass...

I'm not though.

There it is and the worst thing? I'm not even ashamed of myself. I suppose not having blacked out or behaved badly helps but I can't help but wonder how much is luck rather than design.

Was doing the weekly shop yesterday lunchtime and decided to buy a couple of bottles. The thought process is by the by, the end result is that I decided to drink over a bottle last night and am finishing the rest tonight.

I don't really know why I've done it, it was premeditated flouting of my rules because I wanted to. I bought the wine a good few hours before I intended to drink it. Went through my normal ritual of bringing the wine up to room temperature, decanting into a carafe and leaving it to breathe.

So what should have been 2 weeks sober is now the eve of day one again.

Oh well, I never said I was perfect.

Start again, Kwitter, start Day 1 tomorrow. You've done so well. It's a great start. But keep going. You've had a blip, pre mediated or not. Put it behind you.

Yep - going into a cycle of remorse and shame is actually oftentimes just an excuse to drink, i.e. 'I've fucked up - I feel so bad - might as well have another, then'. (Remember we can generally find a way to make any situation a reason to have a drink!). Best thing to do is to take this one on the chin and start again.

It actually is important to understand why you did it, at least from the point of view of how do you manage those triggers better in the future. You've had some shite luck with AA, and supermarket shopping is dangerous territory because of the availability of booze (I still whizz past the booze aisle without looking and I've been sober for 2 and a half years).

I think the ritual is a red herring (see what I did there?) because it makes you feel like you're being a gourmande, conducting this lengthy ritual before sticking it down your neck. As if somehow that makes you not a problem drinker, just someone choosing to drink when previously you chose not to - no big deal.

Important thing today is not to have a drink, you know that. Give the nice chap from AA a ring and ask to have someone walk you to a meeting. Today. You can't fix yesterday, so let that one go.

I think you've got it spot on re the gourmande pretence!

I do know why I did it, DS actually managed to surpass the sum of all his most diabolical fuck ups and actually scared himself. I had to pick up the pieces whilst not utterly freaking out. Didn't want to go into details on here as I value my privacy highly and I'm conscious of the alcoholic's whine but I woke up on Saturday morning and cried because I really needed my mum.

As is said on the Brave babes thread (I'm on No. 13 now):

Poor me, poor me, pour me another!

All the usual excuses were run through before I got to the wine aisle and I didn't even need to go near it but I had no intention of not going there.

Of course its back to the wagon for me, one bum weekend doesn't remove the need to keep going for abstinence. I may slip up again, I don't intend to but I might. For now though, I have a very shallow desire to see the bags under my eyes disappear and to shrink this belly.

Thanks for the wise words. I do appreciate you commenting.

Can it be that even if I had wine in the house I'm too tired to drink?

Probably not, I'm sure I've pushed through it in the past.

Going go roll into bed instead though. Sober.

Very good idea, Kwitter. You haven't got wine in the house, I hope?

Anyway, I'm also already in bed - this is partly because I moved a 2-seater sofa from the van through the house to my new office today ... on my own. (DH is in a wheelchair, I hadn't ruled out using him as a sort of human wheelbarrow but he had dental surgery today and I thought it might be a bit harsh to get him to do that as well!)

Seemed like a good idea at the time - I thought I'd just see how I got on getting out of the van (easy) and then oh well, let's see what it's like if I 'walk' it through the garage ... now my shoulders would like it to be clear that this was not a good idea, but hey ho!

So tired but unable to drop off, I've ventured out of my comfortable little thread and explored active threads. I have a desire to say what I see. Probably not going to make me popular but I'm giving my opinion for a change. I'm being honest, with myself, with friends and with everyone.

I tried it a little at work today and I know it rocked the boat. I've been such a 'yes' person before. No more. I don't want to upset anyone but I'm not a walkover anymore. I have an opinion and whilst my intention is to make a random act of kindness everyday, it's doesn't make me a pushover.

It can be strange to start getting that clarity for the first time. The thing that struck home most to me was that I had to be very open and honest with the people around me about my drinking - and I wasn't going to be embarrassed. Life's too short, and shame is a curse.

When I spoke to my doctor about my drinking etc she referred me to a community health trainer mainly, she said, to help me deal with the stresses in my life. Exercise lifting the mood etc. I had a really good chat with the trainer at my first appointment, a lot was to do with diet but also about getting into routines and habits that take up what was drinking time.

I've always felt too tired in the evenings to be able to exercise or do anything but get a glass and hit the sofa, she pointed out that it's a vicious circle and I need to push through the tiredness at first and then the energy will come. I hope she is right!

I also need to plan meals in advance and prepare. Currently I might eat five veg/fruit a week and though my son has a fairly healthy balance of food I often just have toast 'cos it's easy. Going to start using my slow cooker more.

Gave myself a bit of a kick up the bum today, time to start living my life, reclaiming my life. No more lethargy.

Your thread title drew me in. I thought it was very brave.

I'm not a drinker as such, but there are other areas of my life that I need to change before I self destruct completely.

I've just read the whole thread and you have inspired me.

Yep - the mindfulness extends beyond the immediate problem of drinking. And finding a distraction for drinking time, esp if you can keep your hands occupied, is excellent. I first played a lot of Nintendo DS and then as my brain cleared I got back into knitting. Knitting is now my therapy :)

My energy hasn't really rebounded but I can definitely make the evenings more productive at home. I had made myself very, very ill, though.

How righteous do I feel? Answer: very.
Its wine o'clock on a Saturday night so I'm going to type up what I've achieved so far to wallow in great intentions and occupy myself.

Meals for the week have been planned and ingredients purchased. All fairly healthy and balanced.
Sunday: roast chicken, plenty of veg.
Mon: chicken curry
Tues: fresh pasta with a quorn and tomato sauce. I always add peppers and courgette.
Weds: lentil stew in the slow cooker
Thurs: quorn and veg added to leftover stew
Fri: butternut squash and bacon risotto.
Sat: tuna & pasta bake
I've bought a tin of slim fast, going to give that a go for breakfast and lunches at work next week which should give the weight loss a bit of a boost and buoy up the motivation.
Today, me and the teen got on our bikes and cycled 25km. I had to excavate my knickers from you know where at the end of it and I'm sitting slightly uncomfortably as I type but my legs have a well used ache to them which is very satisfying!

I was sorting through some paperwork today and found a folder of postcards and letters I've received over the years. 30th birthday cards as well,

It got me thinking about letter writing, I used to write pages and pages of letters to friends when I was younger. Mobile phones and emails have taken over and it must be years since I wrote a letter. I think I will start again. I have a friend I've almost entirely lost contact with because she doesn't do internet (I know, very odd!).

I survived the Christmas party, I had half a glass of champagne and sniffed of the bottle of red on our table but was not tempted.

MrsBonkers, thank you. Good luck with your life changes.

I'm going to go for a shower as I'm so cold, then will get comfy for strictly.

Hoo Roo!

How could I forget this?!
I spoke to a family member about Christmas. I didn't say the three words but I did say that I realised I had been drinking to excess and have decided to reduce it. I think I may have underplayed it a bit too much but it will do for now. Not ready to throw the A word out there. So....

All very good - hopefully you'll sleep like a log after all that cycling, but even if you don't you've done yourself a power of good.

Admitting any kind of concern about drinking is an achievement, people's reactions can be very I've had a number of friends admit they were worried about their drinking to me, not because they were in any way drinking dangerously, but they were just uncomfortable that it was either more or more often than they felt they should. It's an easy habit to fall into - and the deeper you slide, the harder it is to crawl back out. So: well done you, you're on the right track.

What a lovely day today, morning on housework but afternoon was all about me and teen. We did stuff, went places and just mostly got on very well. Reminded me how much I adore my obnoxious teen. He seemed fairly chilled too which is fab. Especially when he laughed at my jokes. That doesn't happen so much lately.
The roast was delish and I've done the chopping of onions, garlic and measuring out of spices so shall just fling them in the pan for the left over curry tomorrow night. The carcass is boiling for stock. The plan is in hand. If I'd left the small amount of prep for tomorrow night we may have ended up with a Spanish omelette. Not a bad meal, but very last minute lazy.

I'm trying to avoid counting the days or announcing my sobriety. I don't feel it helps me in fact, focussing on how long I've gone seems to lull me into a false sense of security...oh I'm doing so well on this sobriety game I'm obviously cured, wine o'clock anyone?

Better to focus on general health and well being. The underlying stuff. I might drink and I'll be buggered if I will hide it here. I'm being honest with myself in my journal. This is my life, just me but I am totally accountable to me.

Sounds like a great day.

I don't count the days either - except for myself. Occasionally people ask and are then generally amazed when I say I've been sober for 2.5 years (these are all people who know I've quit drinking) - they can't believe it's been so long. Doesn't seem so long to me!

Kwitter how are you doing? I've been thinking of you whenever I see your thread in my Threads I'm On - and hoping that you're getting some loving support and hanging in there.

Like tribpot I don't count the days anymore - but sometimes look back and say, do you know, I don't want to ruin 18 months, it'll take me spiritually and emotionally back to square one. Whether you're doing well or badly just wanted to let you know there's still support for you here.

Thanks for asking.

I was thinking today about my 'no drinking til Christmas' plan and measuring up how I felt about it.
I've not stuck to being totally sober as intended but I've had more evenings of sobriety in the last month than I probably have in the last few 5 years and I definitely prefer them. Even more so the mornings. It also helps that I have been overhauling my diet and getting more exercise.

Life is much better sober. DS went out this evening, he would have made his own way home quite happily but the heavens opened so he phoned me to pick him up. And I could. Which was nice. I felt useful. No excuses or guilt.

I have visitors (drinkers) here until after Christmas but then I'm going to tackle sobriety with some seriousness. I'll be drinking mindfully until then.

I can manage controlled drinking if I put my mind to it but I think I'd rather put my mind to other more constructive things in the long term.

My life has been in such a wine-soaked rut and I've begun to make some huge changes now which feel amazing.

I can see a difference in DS now too, not least because he eats with me and we talk. This evening after dinner, we wrote our Christmas cards. Unheard of. Lovely times.

I'm going to AA meetings still, early days yet but they are helping me.

Here's to a successful 2014 everyone, one day at a time.

Btw, when I say my visitors are drinkers I mean normal, moderate drinkers not drinkers like me. There will be no competitive drinking going on!

I just read your whole thread, and I wanted to say how much I admire what you are doing. My mother was an alcoholic, and she poisoned my teenage years, as I tried (obviously and predictably unsuccessfully) to help her. I have felt the effects of her drinking for the rest of my life. She never once admitted she had a problem.

I think that what you are doing is just amazing, really strong and extremely inspiring. It sounds like you have an unusually close and caring relationship with your son also.

Well done Kwitter
I hope the moderate drinking works out - I know they say in AA that if someone can do that, all respect to them. And if you find you can't you have learned a very valuable lesson.
It sounds like you have an amazing son and that if things are so good already any damage will have been transient.
I agree - the nights are good but the mornings are better. That soul-deep disgust is probably pretty diagnostic. There's usually loads of meetings over Christmas, it increases rather than lessens and I hope you can make use of them if you find you need to - you're doing really well.

I can manage controlled drinking if I put my mind to it but I think I'd rather put my mind to other more constructive things in the long term.

Absolutely agree, Kwitter. Because my problem seems to be wine-specific (e.g. husband has had cider and vodka in the house since I quit and I haven't been tempted once) I think I might be able to control it if I very, very strictly limit myself but what on earth would be the point of that? A glass of wine once a month during a meal in a restaurant (which is all I really miss now) is in NO way worth the risk. I feel much more in control knowing the rule is simple - no drinking, ever. Everyone I know knows that I don't drink, and most of them know why (to some degree). My DH now probably has about 4 units a year, all of them out of the house, and that suits us a fine.

You could always try not drinking with your visitors, if you know them well. I've offered to have a friend over on Xmas Day, and offered to go and get him since obviously I won't be drinking. He's welcome to have a couple of drinks although I suspect he wouldn't bother given it would only be him drinking! But it's not actually required that you drink because others are. Just a thought, anyway.

Well done for your hard work so far, it sounds like you have a plan to see you through the danger zone that is Christmas, and then in the new year you can really consider your options.

I've just picked up on this thread - so I hope you're getting support Kwitter.

I understand that alot of women drink due to pressure and simply to block out feelings, sometimes due to a history of abuse or simply to 'self medicate', alcohol has a twisted way of blocking out negative feelings but sadly the destructive cycle of drinking causes other issues (hangovers, blackouts, embarressing episodes we wish we could forget) and can hurt those around us, i've learnt to cut back my drinking but have friends who have got into alot of trouble because of it, one is a possible bi-polar so drinking for her actually represses her behaviour but has also caused her alot of misery.

Talking about it helps, we are like pressure cookers and need to off load, so don't be afraid of getting help, it takes small steps but knowing what causes you to drink and learning to love yourself and understand the addictive cycle is part of the healing process, just be kind to yourself and good luck ;)