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Original poster

Am I going completely mad - very worried

67 replies

nightfears · 10/02/2004 16:33

Please someone convince me I am not going mad. I used to have panic attacks but they stopped about 2 years ago. Recently I have been very stressed and have started to panic again - I would be able to cope normally (have lost my 'fear' of them) but now they seem to come with such frightening thoughts - I am going mad, what if I go so mad I kill myself - this is the thought that suddenly wakes me up at night, triggering an anxiety attack. I cope with it well, writing everything down and then reading a book until I go back to sleep. Does this mean that I am suicidal? I certainly don't feel suicidal during the day - I enjoy my life and love my ds dearly. I don't actually have a compulstion to kill myself, more a terror of losing control and doing something terrible and a horror of my own morbid thoughts. I am very tired as I am sleeping badly.

I don't fancy antid's as I am pretty happy with myself generally - just can't understand where all this negativity is coming from.

What do you all think, thanks for listening

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beetroot · 10/02/2004 16:37

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Original poster
nightfears · 10/02/2004 16:43

I think you are right beetroot - I can cope with it if it is panic attacks - I taught myself to 'face them' and just think 'ok,its a panic attack, so what' - but now with the morbid thoughts that is harder to do.

I have a six year old son and an eighteenmonth old dd - things have been stressful but the kind of stress other people seem to deal with happily!

I don't get on with my parents and they have just given me some bad news which may have triggered all this (sorry dont want to go into detail in case I am 'recognised'.

I am not alone at night but I get up and go downstairs. I write down how I feel and after a couple of pages I start to realise that I am just panicking, not suicidal. That makes me feel better. But then when I am stressed or tired the doubts creep back in...maybe I am suicidal...maybe I will flip out and do something out of character (a real fear of mine, my old panic attacks were accompanied by a fear of losing my mind)

OP posts:
lavender1 · 10/02/2004 16:44

is your mind ever clear of thinking?

does it seem to be constantly talking to you even when you don't want it to?

I know it's probably not quite the best advice but have you ever thought of some deep relaxation techniques, where your mind is completely empty of thoughts and your are almost meditating...(cannot do this myself as mind is always thinking....NO you are not going mad, don't sound suicidal...probably in need of some serious relaxation and talking with someone?

Is there a friend or family member you could talk with on this level as it might help you a bit?

lavender1 · 10/02/2004 16:46

keep posting

Original poster
nightfears · 10/02/2004 16:49

lavender1, thank you, your post made me cry, I really need to talk to someone, I do have a counseller that I have talked to in the past, she is a cognitive behaviour therapist and is brilliant, however she is away until next week. I have left a message.

I also used to use a hypnotherapy tape, maybe I should get it out again.

I find it almost impossible to relax generally, although am a happy person most of the time. I do feel free of the morbid thoughts/anxiety during the day when I am busy and I can happily get on with life. Its just at night (and a bit now while I am thinking about it so much!)

OP posts:
Original poster
nightfears · 10/02/2004 16:55

What actually happens at night is that I wake with a start and then almost 'test' myself by thinking 'suicide' - then I have a panic attack! Its not surprising really - what a horrible thing to think!

OP posts:
beetroot · 10/02/2004 16:58

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beetroot · 10/02/2004 17:00

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lavender1 · 10/02/2004 17:01

Oh, I was just trying to put myself in your situation..sorry to upset you

I wonder if you are one of these people who is alright when it is daytime and there are people to talk to, things to occupy yourself with...yet when evening draws, it gets dark, you feel really a bit dark and don't like being alone in the dark....(if there is no sunshine around or I've haven't seen anyone all day I feel really depressed)...

If you are intelligent, which you sound like you are then your brain is just one of those active buggers and if you're not doing something for at least 30mins(other than thinking...you think too much?)..it seems like the thinking is out of your control...a bit gobbledyggooky!...it's just that I don't like the evenings and the dark and need all the sunshine, warmth of people a lot of the time...how are you feeling now nightfears?

Festivefly · 10/02/2004 17:07

I can send myself mad with thought and it is a very strange thing to explain, i never switch off. I am learning slowly though to replace doomy thoughts with great ones. It takes a long time, its like learning a new language, but you get there. I feel for you not sleeping, many nights i wake up and everything is totally out of proportion in my head. It can be quite scary. You are not going mad though

Original poster
nightfears · 10/02/2004 17:08

feeling very touched and that I should have posted ages ago!!

lavender you are right I am a classic 'extravert', love people, like the daytime, wake early and like to get up, busy person with a very very active brain that can empathise with all sorts of situations. I have always had a bit of a fear of going mad and I think having the panic attacks sapped my confidence enought to make me doubt myself. I dont like the nighttime, dont like being alone which is why I find writing things down really helps as it is like talking to someone!

beetroot your story is quite inspirational to me, I did think I had 'beaten' the attacks and its scary to think they can come back with such vengeance - I MUST LEARN TO MEDITATE - need to find a teacher.

Brandy sounds good although people say that you shouldnt drink alcohol before bed as it can exacerbate attacks? I would love to know the name of the stress oil.

I will come and read this thread tonight at about 3am in the midst of a panic

thank you so much both of you

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beetroot · 10/02/2004 17:10

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beetroot · 10/02/2004 17:13

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Original poster
nightfears · 10/02/2004 17:20

thanks so much beetroot. So did you have doomy thoughts with your panic attacks?

Ff, just HOW do you do that with the thoughts? Thats what I do most of the time - if I feel myself wandering down the negative path I switch myself onto something positive - but its so hard to do when you wake up with a start at night...

OP posts:
lavender1 · 10/02/2004 17:37

know the anti-stress oil, you can out it in an incense burner (1 to 2 drops as very strong) it's about £15 and a bottle is small but could last a few months depending on how much you use it...their e-mail address is www.justuk.net (just found my party box with about 5 things in)...there are LOTS of other things...did used to have a list...to treat depression, lack of sleep.etc...the list is long (also if you do have a party you get things cheaper and even get a free gift if you get enough sales (which is quite easy to do as most people order as so good stuff)

Festivefly · 10/02/2004 17:38

I'm going to get heavy now, everyone leave
Three days after my best friend died i woke up with a start, i was sh@tt@ng myself and i didn't know why, i was convinced there was a presence in the room. I felt evil, thats all i can say. This happened a few times, i woke up scared, god knows what of. I ended up having no sleep. After a while i would wake up and say, don't go there, do something nice now. So i would burn lavender play music that doesn't trouble, look at my children, try and cosey up in bed. It totally didn't work at first. I remember cowering in a corner not being able to breathe, thinking who the hell can help me now. I just kept up with the pattern of lovely things every night, slowly these took over, and the bad ones slipped away.It took ages of trying too hard.
I can remember waking up one morning and i new it had gone. I now don't go there.
Sorry not really practical advice, just what happened good luck

Original poster
nightfears · 10/02/2004 17:48

that is fascinating ff, and brilliant to know that you can fight it that way. I have to say that I make it as nice as possible for myself when I wake up - cosy blanket on sofa, cup of camomile tea and remind myself that its not the end of the world, but its just that horrible doomy feeling...

I have a complete phobia about news reports when supposedly 'normal' people go mad and kill themselves or others. TBH, that news report about the man that killed his wife and family triggered a fear of mine - I actually never think I would harm my family but its just the irrationality and unpredictability of the act - what makes people do that and can ordinary people just flip out that way? it really fascinates/repels me. Also things like Silvia Plath killing herself while kids were in the next room -things like that TERRIFY me - can you tell I am obsessive

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lavender1 · 10/02/2004 17:50

the spirit was present in the room? I felt my dad 2 days after his death and was scared to open my eyes in bed at night as I thought he might appear next to me (didn't help that the day before I'd heard my name whispered 3 times in a breathey sort of was...and no wasn't imagining it and it was not my imagination)

FF I take it you no longer have these strange feelings come about you now.

lavender1 · 10/02/2004 17:51

obsessive, compulsive order...(aswell!)

Festivefly · 10/02/2004 17:55

You so sound like my sister
It is your personality coming out thats all, i get scared of the devil and being good, because that is a fear of mine from my teachings as a child.
At times like this, stay away from anything that can tip the balance. I stopped watching the news, reading papers, anything that wasn't positive.(definetly stay away from Sylvia Plath, great as she is) I wrapped myself in cotton wool and became a child again. No Nastiness!!!!!!

Now i am ok, nothing like this bothers me anymore, i just needed a time of nurture

God i am mental

Festivefly · 10/02/2004 17:58

Lavender i had one the other week, i was scared. I woke up and my goldfish had died, i went a bit nut nut that day. I don't feel like that a lot though anymore

lavender1 · 10/02/2004 17:59

ff

lavender1 · 10/02/2004 18:05

Did you go to a strict Catholic school, or convent.bac, maybe you are my sister in disgiuse (there are 4 more,,could be on this website...s----, I'll have to watch my words and stop being so gobby now..

Festivefly · 10/02/2004 18:15

You got one bit of it right, i have a guilt problem

lavender1 · 10/02/2004 18:22

Which bit, please tell