Am I going completely mad - very worried

[nightfears]

Please someone convince me I am not going mad. I used to have panic attacks but they stopped about 2 years ago. Recently I have been very stressed and have started to panic again - I would be able to cope normally (have lost my 'fear' of them) but now they seem to come with such frightening thoughts - I am going mad, what if I go so mad I kill myself - this is the thought that suddenly wakes me up at night, triggering an anxiety attack. I cope with it well, writing everything down and then reading a book until I go back to sleep. Does this mean that I am suicidal? I certainly don't feel suicidal during the day - I enjoy my life and love my ds dearly. I don't actually have a compulstion to kill myself, more a terror of losing control and doing something terrible and a horror of my own morbid thoughts. I am very tired as I am sleeping badly.

I don't fancy antid's as I am pretty happy with myself generally - just can't understand where all this negativity is coming from.

What do you all think, thanks for listening

Well i've only got one sister, she is gorgeous but worries too much, i grew up in a strict Catholic way, sorry, really sorry, for everything, won't do it again, sorry for being sorry, shit i'm off to church

not quite sure understood last message, sort of know what you are trying to say, excusing yourself etc..but don't quite kwym (iykwim)...

Nevermind i am a bit odd

seem quite normal to me from other posts.

Thanks

talking of meditation, i tried tm (transcendental meditation) and it has really helped me cope with most of what life has thrown at me - i wish i had found out about it sooner. five years ago was a real turning point - alcoholic mother , best friend dying and i was in a job i hated; also similar symptoms to firefly not being able to breathe properly - the only way i can describe it is that you want to breathe in a full circle but you only get about a quarter of the way up! tm helped to get my breathing relaxed again and has helped me become more peaceful and detatched towards my own feelings when they would normally overwhelm me. your suppose to meditate twice a day - no time with 2 ds's, i now use it to clear my mind as i go to sleep. it did cost £500 and i'm not rich, i was desperate to avoid a-d's but i have since seen it advertised for half that. worth every penny as its a tool for life!!
i think they have a website which would give you teachers in your area. the course ran over 3 days (2-3 hours each day)

nightfears, I really relate to what you're going through, though in a different way. I wake up in total terror and my mind goes through these awful, simply awful, scenarios of someone doing awful things to dd and me being unable to help for some reason. It's always at night / early hours of the morning. And I've always been scared to tell anyone in case they think I'm mad and about to do something awful to dd. It really does make me feel like I'm going mad.

I am going through the same fears too like many of you worse at night. I was told the reason we feel lower at night is that we our estorgen levels drop by dusk and that can make you feel blue. I also cant watch anything negative or distressing inc my fav ER .My DH turns the telly over now!!!
I hadnt slept for weeks for many reasons some of which led medical proffession to give me diazapam for 5-6 days, which helped break the cycle and knocked me out. It did feel odd & I was woozy for a while , but it kind of taught my body to sleep again.

My hypnotherapist as a short term help gave me a great breathing technique that I have to do atleast 5 times a day for a short while :

Cross yor palms and lay them hands down on your upper chest, inhale & exhale feeling each slowly through the nose. Concentrate on the exhale as releasing the baggage from the day & feel your diaphram move up and down.Focus on the touch of your hands on yourself,(kind of like a self hug ). Do it for as long as feels necessary.

I was visited by an incubus once
It was when I was going through mad broken nights with DS1, I mean 10 months of no sleep and inbetween wakings at the horror zone of 2-5 am I felt a weight resting on my chest, I couldn't scream I couldn't move, I couldn't see anything, although the light was on dimmly in the room. There was just this thing sitting on my chest and stomach. Time stood still and I just froze. It only lasted a few seconds.
An incubus is said to be a nighmarish spirit and is found in many cultures
I think it is a physiological response to lack of sleep and the confusion brought about by chronic fatigue and exhaustion, but it sure as hell scard the pants off me.

Hope you all have a calm night tonight

OK, I'm going to sort of hi-jack this thread (sorry :0) and add my "panicky moments" to see if anyone could shed some light on them.

In the evenings/night-time I have these thoughts that I've run over a pedestrian/cyclist whilst out driving during the day!! I know it sounds REALLY bizarre - I mean I would notice if I'd hit something in my car and stop! - but then I think "what if I didn't notice??"

I've been driving for 16 years - accident/incident free with not even as much as a parking ticket - yet I have REALLY stupid worries! Whenever I mention it to DH - he just looks at me and laughs!

I love driving but sometimes at night, I start to doubt my driving ability and then it makes me feel uneasy about driving in the morning.

I've just read this back and it sounds soooo stupid and crazy but I can't shake those thoughts from my head at night.

I have a very active mind which whirrs into a hive of activity at night.

Nightfears - I have contributed to a few threads (and started my own) regarding my own problem with this. In your case its the fear of madness, in mine its the fear of illness. So I lie and focus on every slight sensation or feeling, can identify the disease and get to the funeral without even drawing breath! I can get so panicy that I am in danger of making myself ill (probably have ulcer etc) - so how's that for a vicious circle1 I had therapy for 18 months which helped although I need a top up. Basically I discovered that whenever I was tired, stressed or run down these episodes would get a grip. Parental guilt produced quite a lot of mine, as well. I think the frightening thoughts will peter out again if you can just say 'oh this is me again - tired, stressed, whatever...' and be accepting of them. If not, perhaps you need a sympathetic counsellor in cognitive behavioural therapy. Best wishes

Sorry hadn't read all of thread so missed bit about you having therapist already. Your comment about relaxing strikes a chord: I absolutely CANNOT relax, however hard I try.....

slinky, I wrote part of my PhD thesis on the sort of obsessive compulsive thoughts and doubts you're describing. In some people it literally becomes disabling (i.e. they spend their days driving up and down the bit of road they're convinced they killed someone on) but in milder forms it exists just to haunt people at night. I chose this topic as part of my thesis because I have forms of obsessive thinking, though not the kind of self doubt you're describing. There's a v. accessible book called 'the boy who couldn't stop washing' by judith rappoport (may have wrong spelling of surname, it's a while now since I read it) which may be of great interest to you.

Gilli, where is your thread on this topic?

Evita!!

My goodness, can't believe you wrote some of your Thesis about someone like me

I told DH I had posted my worries on here - he said that you would all find me a weirdo and stop "talking" to me! Very relieved to find it has some recognition!

I suppose I do display some "obsessive" behaviours, ie double-check locked doors/check gas is off/electrical equipment is off etc. I can't go to bed unless I've done all these and I don't feel "comfortable" if DH does it. When we go away, I HAVE to be the last person to leave the house, set alarms and lock the door.

My dad used to be the same - remember him walking around the house checking things were off etc, so am desperately trying to hide it from my children.

Will hunt out the book you suggested - thank you

Evita - I can't recall but you could search on my name I suppose. I had OCD for many years off and on, but this seems to be a variant, as I no longer have any rituals (since therapy), but I suppose the illness phobia is 'sticky thoughts'. With me it all seems to boil down to a desire to control my sfety and the future, and of course I panic when I realsise that I can't. Everytime anything good is likely to happen - like currently we are about to buy a lovely new house - I seem to ill wish myself by thinking 'it'll never happen, because.../it's all pointless... etc. It's horrible, and I often think I am ill or mad, and I would give ANYTHING just to be happy in my head and not afraid. Very few if any people know I feel like this, as I never show it, but I'm often very irritable and a bag of nerves. Useless lump, basically!

nightfears, does it make you feel a little better knowing we are all slightly bonkers..

Gilli, lol at the flippin' accuracy of what you say, the locks at night (even after I've watched dh do them)2 or 3 times, back door even after locked gets checked again quite a few days of the week, CANNOT go to sleep if haven't kissed the children goodnight, it has to be the last thing done at night btw, and the saddest is if I get into bed I have to wait for the clock radio to change to the next minute before I put head on pillow...also find it very hard to relax..interesting that you've studied this.

oh yes, Lavender!

Forgot about kissing the children at night - last thing I do as well but I also do it in a set order - DS1, DD2 then DD1.

i had a much better night last night - well dd1 woke me up for a while but i went back to sleep really quickly and no weird thoughts - if I started to feel negative I quickly thought of this discussion board and tried to laugh at myself and it really worked! Early days yet but feeling much more confident and hopeful today - thank you all so much for sharing your stories they did make me feel better.

I think I am quite obsessive and just basically over sensitive - I MUST learn TM, I think it would really help.

There has been some interesting research done in Australia linking nocturnal anxiety attacks and the move into a trance like state - they say that if you find it easy to go into a bit of a trance (in the day - staring into space etc) that can often be the trigger for an anxiety attack, and this can worsen at night as you move from one subconcious state into another.

Don't know what I believe but I don't really think that anxiety has much of a physiological basis - mines definitely 'mental'!

Thanks everyone, a big help

slinky and gilli, ocd doesn't necessarily manifest itself in things like hand washing rituals, it is also a form of extreme 'self doubt.' I don't know how better to explain it (PhD currently sits gathering dust on shelf by computer!). Some people just have a nagging sense that they can't trust themselves or what they have done. I do loads of things in 3's, I kiss 3 fingers on my right hand and touch them 3 times on my daughter's head when I put her down to sleep. That sort of thing. I've been doing similar type things since I was very small, maybe aged 7 even if I remember right. Occasionally they've got slightly out of hand but for me fortunately they've never disabled me from leading a relatively normal life. And I've had therapy for years now so am pretty clued up about what it is. But for some people it is literally impossible to live a good life because of the effects of obsessions. It's good to have a laugh about them too though!

Maybe we should talk about our most absurd obsessions!

Very relieved to hear festivefly's bit about not reading the news, cuddling in cotton wool and 'no nastiness'! That's me exactly, ever since I had ds. I had pnd and part of it was horrible obsessional thoughts about torture and cruelty - if I saw anything nasty (eg, the news most days, charity appeals for Amnesty, etc) I would obsess about it for ages. I found it hard to go to sleep because I was so scared of the thoughts and what I would see when I shut my eyes (though interestingly I never actually had nightmares, just 'waking nightmares' as I lay there waiting to go to sleep). I now avoid anything 'nasty' - it sounds really pathetic when you put it like that, doesn't it, but I really can't cope with it. I give money to charities like the Medical Foundation for the Victims of Torture, but on condition they don't send me their newsletter!!! Shrek and Pretty Woman are my film level, and I hardly watch any TV apart from things like Wife Swap and property ladder (about which more on another thread soon...), don't read a paper. I used to read all the arty novels, now I stick to Georgette Heyer, Bill Bryson and kids books - too many 'Booker' type books feel its clever to suddenly stick the Holocaust in or something like that. Hmm, put down like this it does sound pretty screwy....

nightfears ? just came across this thread. I do feel for you ? these sort of panic attacks can be really horrible, but you're definitely not alone. I think you may find a lot of people have had similar episodes, but haven't mentioned it to anyone for fear of being thought mad. I had thoughts very much like the ones you mentioned about 6 months after ds was born. Every time I read a news story about something horrible, I would have these horrible panicky feelings about it happening to me or someone in my family and I can certainly relate to the story about driving along and thinking I might have knocked someone over without noticing.

For a long time, I didn't dare speak about it to my GP or the health visitor in case they sectioned me and took ds into care (although I guess at the back of my mind I must have known that it wasn't really likely to happen). I didn't even feel I could tell dh.In the end, I finally went to see my GP and was diagnosed with PND ? I wish I'd gone sooner, as apparently obsessional thoughts are common with pnd. I ended up taking antidepressants, which definitely helped take the edge off the panic. Like you, I'd have preferred something like cognitive therapy, but the GP wouldn't refer me for it on the nhs, and as I wasn't working, I couldn't have afforded private therapy.

Although it doesn't sound as though you're depressed, I just thought I'd share my story ? sometimes it helps just to know you're not alone ? and you certainly don't sound as though you're mad either. For me, just being able to talk to someone about it and to be reassured you're not going mad really helped. I really hope things improve for you soon.

Nightfears - thanks so much for starting this thread.
Ive been reading the posts with such interest.
I had anxiety based PND which came in the form of severe Panic attacks (always worse at night.)

Ive written on various other threads but unfortunately I got addicted to an AD and now 5 years on have swapped to another to try and come off. The anxiety is pretty bad at the moment (didnt have anything like it before PND) and I know that I'm for the longg battle to fight the panic attacks so im really interested in all the different advice.
IF I find the answer - you'll be the first to know!
Kizziex

nightfears - have you ever tried cognitive behavioural therapy? absolutely brilliant for the anxiety that you describe.
have a look here cog behavioural therapy - what is it?