Am I going completely mad - very worried

[nightfears]

Please someone convince me I am not going mad. I used to have panic attacks but they stopped about 2 years ago. Recently I have been very stressed and have started to panic again - I would be able to cope normally (have lost my 'fear' of them) but now they seem to come with such frightening thoughts - I am going mad, what if I go so mad I kill myself - this is the thought that suddenly wakes me up at night, triggering an anxiety attack. I cope with it well, writing everything down and then reading a book until I go back to sleep. Does this mean that I am suicidal? I certainly don't feel suicidal during the day - I enjoy my life and love my ds dearly. I don't actually have a compulstion to kill myself, more a terror of losing control and doing something terrible and a horror of my own morbid thoughts. I am very tired as I am sleeping badly.

I don't fancy antid's as I am pretty happy with myself generally - just can't understand where all this negativity is coming from.

What do you all think, thanks for listening

oh and I meant to say that this type of anxiety is much more common than you might think. you are definitely not going 'mad'.

I have tried it katierocket and found it unbelievably helpful - in fact I would say it 'cured' my original panic attacks - i lost my fear of them completely - if I woke in the night with panicky feelings I used to think 'come on then, bring it on' and amazingly they would disappear. But this time the obsessional thoughts seemed a new development so took me by surprise.

I have a CBT therapist - she is going to ring me this afternoon for a chat. I feel so much better today it is such a relief to be able to see the 'reality' of the situation rather than being at the mercy of your poor old tortured brain!!!

Oh just incase anyone is interested I rang transcendental meditation.org and a four day course costs £1280!!!!!!!!!! So clearly only very rich people can afford to be chilld out these days!

I don't know where you're based, nightfears, but often buddhist communities have volunteers who give meditation instruction. Tho not strictly the same as TM, it's pretty similar and you might find it helpful. You don't necessarily have to be a buddhist, either.

I know TM is expensive. I did it years ago and fortunately the teacher was someone my mom knew and I got a total discount price for it. To be honest having gone through the course, I think you could find another method of meditation that would be just as effective and a fraction of the cost. I think the TM practitioners keep some of their kudos by making it 'exclusive' (i.e. expensive) ,but really it's just meditation in the end, it's nothing magic.

Nightfears I have done TM for about 20 years (did it with my dad when I was 16) and it really is great, refreshes and calms you instantly. I know it is expensive, when I did it I think I paid £20 or something because I was under 18.

I think you pay based on your income, well that used to be the case.

HOW MUCH? That's crazy

You don't need a 4 day course, I did it in 4 evenings I think, at someone's house.

nightfears - i can't believe what they are charging! did they think you wanted to go onto a residential course perhaps? i would try another teacher and see if there's any difference. i live in south hams (devon) and i have seen an advert for an independent practicioner for £250 for the whole course. frieda has a good point about buddhist meditation, though i haven't tried it - it may be the way forward- brilliant introduction to buddhism called 'buddhism, pure and simple' by steve hagen if interested - it cuts out all the gongs, bells, clothes, rituals etc. that are now associated with it thanks to the celebs making it fashionable!

Nightfears - do you mind if I ask which region you live in (do it through contact other talk if you like) - Im loooking for a CBT therapistand wondered if youd recommend yours.
Kizziex

nightfears - I was shocked to hear how much a course of TM costs as I have always wanted to do it. When I looked at the website they do say that it might be available on the National Health - have you run this past your gp?

nightfears here is the independent TM site, they charge a sliding scale of fees according to income from £90 to £290 for the whole course.

Oh and Enid

Wow thanks cd thats fantastic - I have always wanted to do it as I am a bit of a 'worrier' too.

I can really recommend it. Helps me no end when I am tired or sad or stressed.

I once went for a horrible medical procedure that involved them stuffing a tube up my nose, down my throat and then they had to get it through some sphincter or something to get to my stomach. I totally freaked and actually hit the doctor at one point, they tried to get it through for ages and he said they would have to give up. I told him to leave the room for 10 mins while I meditated. When he came back it went through first time. He did say he only left the room to humour me but he was amazed at the resulting level of calm I had managed to achieve.

countessdracula thanks for finding info on independent TM - i knew i had seen it advertised just didn't know where. now if i can persuade the rest of my mad family to do it things would be even better......

thansk everyone for your kind replies.

I have been sleeping much better (almost back to normal) for the last two nights.

Is it any co-incidence that I also came down with a terrible cold and sore throat yesterday? I wonder if having a virus can make you feel weird before it 'comes out' so to speak?

Thanks CD for that TM info - I will try and contanct them.

Hi Nightfears,

Just thought I'd give another vote for TM. It is expensive (although not 1280 pounds as far as I know) and it also sounds a little wierd. But its very much a tool for you to use to help you control your mind, and I've found it very helpful.
I'd agree that other meditation courses could be equally good. Just TM is quite organised and standardized, which appeals to Western minds.... (well, mine at least)