TAMOXIFEN**33**

[MaryAnnSingleton]

new thread - bring the trolley over here....

Hello, I've been hiding and dealing with a bit of a crisis. I've had a two day court hearing this Thurs / Fri booked for months that was supposed to allow me to move back home with my kids (loooong and acrimonious divorce nowhere near over, Cafcass supportive as I am 'worn down' by ex's approach). He's applied for residence, defended the divorce, has a harrassment warning etc etc. Medical care is free and good where I'm from, although possibly not as state of the art as London.

It turns out that the fact I have been diagnosed, but haven't been through the whole diagnostic process may mean they adjourn and don't make a decision. They don't have enough information to say anything concrete about my survival chances so the judge is likely to say she needs more information before deciding it's worth uprooting the kids (i.e. in case I die). Any waiting means court would happen during chemo, which is insane.

So I'm trying to work out what to do. Is it worth the stress and significant cost of going through the hearing for the small chance they take pity and let me move? Is the stress of the move even worth it, considering there might be a small delay in treatment while the other health care team repeats tests and slots me in?

I have a big supportive family there and would be living at my mom's house. Here, I have some good friends who have already offered to help but also have caring responsibilities of their own. I don't really know school run moms enough to get them to take kids. Family could visit for a reasonable amount of time but may not cover the whole spread. I do think my ex's siblings would step up and I would have to insist on zero contact with ex during treatment but I'm not even sure he would agree, or would stick to his side of the bargan.

Would I cope here without family, or with sporadic family? Would I be hurting my chances if I move?

It's such a horible question to ask and I've got such a short time to answer.

Sorry sparkle I have nothing helpful to say but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're stuck in such a difficult situation. I really hope someone with better advice is along soon and that there's a way to resolve it that works for everyone. Thinking of you

Sparkle, what a nasty situation you're in. So sad to hear of the behaviour of your ex. And I have no easy answers about any of this. Do you have a solicitor who can talk it through with you? I would personally value a supportive group of people more than anything else. But beware expectations on this. I found that a few people were useless during chemo, others were wonderful, and others that were only the vaguest friends turned out to be fantastic too. It has a strange effect on folks, and often things change. So it's even more difficult to say who you can rely on, and who will let you down. Have a whilst thinking. And maybe a hug.

yes,very difficult position sparkle -am sorry- I haven't anything helpful to suggest though, but like ashokan am thinking of you.

Thank you for the thought, and I'm really sorry I'm so totally me focused at the moment. It will get better, I promise.

I do value the supporting group over almost all else (unless it will, you know, do really bad things). I'm partially trying to work that out in my head. Was there any difference with family vs friends? I feel more emotionally safe with my friends, but know family will pitch in with the practical more efficiently. My relatives are very can do / get it sorted, but don't do emotion.

Part of what's so hard is that the support needs to start (like, now) so I need to set a plan in motion either way.

Thanks even for just letting me vent, it's increadibly frustrating.

Gosh, that was poorly written.

Thanks for the thoughts.

I value a supportive group above most of the other criteria (unless the other criteria make a big difference in my prognosis, essentially)

Sorry for being confusing. Can you have chemobrain before it's even started?

Sparkle -what an awful situation.
From what is sounds are you thinking of the leaving the UK to move back to home (overseas somewhere), but you need permission to take the children with you?
I know you've just been diagnosed, but perhaps think of the future, long term. Where would you like to be, where will you be happiest and make the best recovery? If you think you'd get equivalent health outcomes, but better support with your family, then that's probably a good option.

If I were in a similar situation (my family in Australlia) I'd probably be tempted to move - but I don't know the whole story. What does your doctor say? Most doctors / nurses have seen it all, they may have some experience, words of wisdom.

I would say move if it means you are living with your mother. I could not have coped without another adult in the house - I have a live in au pair. I am lucky with minimal side effects for chemo but I could not have shopped, cooked, cleaned and done school run on my own.

Friends have been ok but most have their own lives and own commitments. I have been told if my temp goes over. 37.5 I need to get to hospital - i don't have anyone to ask who could drop everything and be with me at 3am if the worst happened. I think another reliable adult presence is pretty much essential.

I can't see why a diagnosis will mean the court has to adjourn. Statistically you at far more likely to be alivein5 years than not. Why would a new hospital have to repeat any tests? Can't see it would impact badly on your treatment and it seems a no brainier in terms of ensuring that you have the support you are going to need over next six months or even longer.

Gosh Sparkle, that's a lot to have to confront. I'd guess all we can really do is to help you work out how you'll feel amid chemo and the rest of treatment, though even then we're all different. My son was 5 when I was going through it all and I managed to do the school run and worked too, though I work from home so that makes it easier. Thing is you won't know until you start how it hits you and you will need support. How old are your children? Sounds like they'd have to move schools if you go to your mum's, so is that a deciding factor?

And don't worry about being worried about yourself - we all have times like that and it is what I love about here is we can offer help when it is our time.

Did long post and lost it but was pretty much what smee says.

Oh heck sparkle what a lot of decisions and some of them out of your control. If the hearing has been booked for months, it seems a shame to vacate it, but I guess your solicitor is the best placed to advise you. Guess getting permission to move doesn't commit you to the time frame of actually moving.

Its been a long day - but I have the day booked off tomorrowtoday :)

I want to be in Canada (was being a bit cagey before), and clearly thought it was the best decision before this all came up. It's basically the lack of other adult in the house thing that I'm most scared of, but there would be a lot more support overall too. I'd make new friends, the big kid would settle quickly into school.

I'm just not clear the process to get there is worth it. Can I even move once chemo starts, or in the next month in between sentinel lymph surgery and my flury of appointments? That's looking like what needs to happen.

Seems moot now. We tried doing the family mediation thing and it looked close to an agreement (to go for 2 years) until he actually had to commit to it. In fact, he wants to be able continue to argue over residence while I'm in treatment. He won't agree to no court fer at least for the next year.

He is a complete and utter wanker.

Thanks for the thoughts, by the way, and thanks for lettling me think it out.

The kids are 3&6. The fear with the court is they hear the word cancer and think the worst, especially since my Dr can't give more details about how bad it is just yet. They may not want to make a decision, and they may be concerned about uprooting the kids in case it doesn't go well and they have to come back.

I doubt they would hear it and understand - there is a Macmillan book about talking to kids about cancer which might help.

I just told my then 3 year old I was poorly and needed medicine (super cal pol) that would make my hair fall out. It was much more focused around how I would be in hospital at x times, might be more tired etc . We then talked about what I might do at those times (ie she played on my bed, watched tv or read stories with me as opposed to going out to park etc).

It is probably possible though obviously undesirable to deal with this while in treatment. What would you prefer- deal with it now or later?

Your oncologist could write a short note for court explaining statistics. Breast cancer is one of the 'best' cancers in terms of survivabiilty.

My timetable for treatment was quick - I had op within 4 weeks of diagnosis and then if you need chemo they can't wait more than 8 weeks to start I think as otherwise it is less effective. I think yo urgently need to get info from medical team about what is best for you, you may be able to have surgery here then start other therapies in Canada.

The court will decide on what is best for the children. If your ex isn't seeking residence and you have always been primary carer then it is most likely the court will decide they needs stay with you. And they will need a mum who is well supported.

I don't think fear of your death is going to be a main factor here - more the logistical difficulties of lining up treatment options but a least there is on language barrier so hopefully your UK team can communicate directly with Canada Team.

Sorry you have to deal with this as well. But as a single parent, the option of moving in with my mum would have been fantastic on every level, for the emotional and physical support you are likely to need.

I know that it wasn't until after my lumpectomy that I got the detailed pathology report that could be translated into survival statistics. But chances are positive these days - when there are new treatments for mets whereas 10 years ago the outlook would have been bleak.

Has anyone got appointments today? I have one for lunch dh has brought me a in bed :) must be time to get up soon!

Good morning from me. I am on day 3 of no meds and feeling pretty bad already. The world is full of treacle and my head is full of cotton wool. Is this the 'you may feel a bit tired' they spoke of.

No sunshine either today to cheer us up.

I am off for a and a gossip with a friend then some sofa lying upon with hooligan puppy will be required.

I have nothing useful to add Sparkle, but I'm so sorry you have cancer to deal with on top of all the court stuff. If it helps, I had my chemo delayed in order to have fertility preservation treatment. It was delayed by a month. I think it does depend on your histology and the oncologist as to whether delays are possible, but in my experience, the medical team are always keen to help however they can and I'm sure there will be a way to get treatment AND move

Where did my full stop go at the end of that post? . . . . . . . . . . . . There. Now there is a stock of them in case they all go missing. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .....

,,,, . ,,,,..,,.... .,,........,,,,,,,,

sparkle what an Atrocious Cunt (we've had a few of them on the thread!) it always amazes me how little compassion people can have for someone they once loved! It's not like you're asking to do it for fun, you have a serious illness and need support and it sounds like he would be unlikely to step up and do the school run every day so you can rest, and provide childcare while you are having treatment.

Would your ex be able to afford to visit the children in Canada? I suppose that would probably be one of the court's main concerns as he wouldn't be able to have them at weekends like a lot of people do.

Hopefully if you have to stay here, your friends will surprise you in how much support they are able to offer.

Until you know what treatment you are having, you won't know how ill you are likely to be. I'm on capecitabine tablets at the moment, they're used for breast cancer too, and I wouldn't even know I was on them really! The other drug I've been having makes me incredibly ill though.

I do think it will be a bit of a rush to move in the next month, and you probably won't be able to immediately after the surgery. You'd need to find somewhere to live, book the flights, and most importantly get the treatment all sorted out with a medical team over there. I don't know how the Canadian healthcare system works but would it be a lot more expensive now that you have a known illness?

Must dash now as I've seeing Dr W soon! I'll be thinking of you sparkle and hoping you are able to reach an agreement with your ex so that at least you know what is happening and can start making a plan.

Good luck to anyone with appointments today and to Pen, hope you feel better soon! Hope everyone has a good day :)

huge hugs to sparkle and pen
And good luck with Dr W ashokan
Was going to meet friend (from Tamoxifen Ten on fb- fellow patient from hosp) for coffee in town but she was delayed by client so had to drink my enormous cappuccino on my own -the caffeine has rather gone to my head.
Have been asked to do another picture by senior BCN for my BCN who has just got a degree which is nice. My aim is to grab the hospital market for commissions (discreetly handing my cards out)

Morning all, - I am behind again, so will just dive in.

Sparkle massive hugs, cancer is enough on its own to deal with, I'm so sorry your ex is being such a shit and making life so hard for you

Asho - good luck seeing Dr W, hope he is slightly less arrogant today

Pen - sofa day very much in order by the sound of it, tiredness can hit you like a truck some days, its horrible, but you can't really fight it, just go with it and get through it xx

Spero -hello, welcome and good luck with the blue badge, it sounds as if you have a pretty good case for being given one, but the system is bizarre at best IME (have a disabled niece, she has to metaphorically jump through hoops to get anything) but my elderly mum has been told she could get one for my sister to put in her car as she ferries mum about and mum can't walk far, - so who can predict these things? Good luck anyway

waving and sending love to everyone, especially anyone with appointments today.

Old lady dog not very well again - she had a very long seizure last night, took her ages to come out of it, and when she did she was very dazed for a while afterwards. It happens so suddenly its scary, and I always think 'this time we are going to lose her' - vet has told us it is something called cardiac syncope, and is caused by her heart condition, poor old girl But she is fine this morning though a bit tired, she's had a bonio and a cheesy marrowbone snack so is now happily curled up in her bed.

MAS - good luck with cornering the hospital market you have been so busy lately, - brilliant

thanks kk Am terrified of work drying up- wouldn't know what to do with myself if it does.
Poor old lady dog - it must be very scary and awful for you.