Another PND thread - anyone with a new baby and suffering?

[susanmt]

I am. Just wondered if there was anyone else out there. Have gorgeous 6 week old dd and feel crap and like I cant cope. Have been here twice before, but would like to know who else out there is in the same situation?

I can't believe this has happened to you again, I am so, so sorry. I've no experience, but I just pray you get all the support you deserve, you are a very special person.

Poor you Susan.Glad you are being taken seriously now-depression is a life threatening illness.Please look to the future,you will be better one day.Antidepressants have helped me.Take good care of yourself-your family depend on you.Look at what a good job you are doing.

Thanks so much everyone for your kind wishes. I saw the psych today and she was great. She's taken me really seriously, has changed my meds and recommended that I have company for a couple of weeks while I change over - my MIL has taken time off work and is arriving tomorrow - I get on great with her, my Mum is of the PND doesn't exist school of thought!. I'm getting visits from my CPN again and increased HV support (I have a good one).
Hopefully this is the beginning of things getting better. I also met a friend for lunch today who has a baby the same age as mine and she's suggested we meet weekly to see how we are doing, as she's been borderline - again, it will be nice to be accountable to someone, and it's good to have an excuse to get out.
Thanks for being so nice to me - I'll keep you posted.

Hi Susan, just saw this thread having been off for a few days. As I said in your other anti-ds thread I can really empathise having been there twice and fully expecting (although praying not) to be there again in a few months when I give birth. Huge huge hugs, so glad the psych was helpful and that you're not going to be alone - that was always the impossible bit for me. Take care.

susan, I'm so very sorry your depression took hold again like it did. I have a friend who suffers from depression (not PND) and it is very moving to hear her talk about it, while she is in the throws of it. She knows she has recovered before but still feels powerless to stop the way she is feeling at that moment, but she fights it and has the strength (gained through adversity) and the experience to seem detached from it. I find her remarkable and I know she suffers more than I ever have.

I am so glad you have a good number of medical people around you, from the HV to the Psych, whom you trust to help you. Your MIL sounds lovely, too. I wish you happier times as quickly as possible. Take lots of care. Hugs.

Thought I'd do a quick update - am battling a bit right now as we are trying to change my drugs without me having to stop bf (the only thing I know I'm doing right) - although the bf organisations etc say that the drug my psychiatrist has prescribed is ok with bf, GP refuses to prescribe it unless I give up. Am losing the energy for the fight to be honest, I'm tempted just to say 'OK I'll give up', get the drug I need (old one has stopped working, apparantly) and carry on bf regardless! How will they ever know?
The best thing is I have been referred again to the Community Psychiatric Nurses and they are brilliant, my CPN is very down to earth and normal and I feel is really taking me seriously. He's going to arrange for me to see a different psychiatrist if this one wont take my bf seriously (the CPN is very into depressed mums bfing, he says it improves outcome as you have something you can be proud of!)
I just wish I could feel anything. I cant - i feel totally numb. Nothing at the minute puts me up or down. I can put on a brave face but it means very little. I'm back to thinking I'm damaging everyone around me just by being here and thats not good. Its bizarre - I'll fight for my right to bf rachel one minute, but give me a couple of hours and I'll think her life would be better without me - its mad, isn't it?

I doubt very much whether I will repeat what happened last week - for one thing, dh has taken all the drugs away!! Also, I can at least think of a few good reasones for going on, even if I cant feel them. I'm accountable to the CPN, to my excellent HV, and to dh, who is now aware of how bad things are.

Once we get the drugs sorted out then I'm sure things will be looking up a bit more. I'm also suffering less with kidney pain than I have for a while, which is good, as I am sure the pain was getting me down.

Sorry this is pure rambling stream of consciousness! I really should shut up and go and make some lunch !!

Thanks for letting us know, Susan, and honestly you're not rambling at all. Please take care. xxxxx

Good to hear from you, Susan and I couldn't help but lol at your plans for furtive bfing! You go, girl! I'm glad things are being taken seriously and that you are getting support from most HP's. It's a while since I've btdt with pnd, but the mood swings you describe seemed very familiar. I know when life is black, it's very black indeed, but maybe you could print out something like 'I will get better!' in bright colours, to stick up on the wall to remind yourself. It's very hard to judge over the internet, but I get the impression that you're a wee bit perkier than last week? I hope so very much. Take care.

Glad to see you posting susanmt - hope you see a light at the end of the tunnel soon. You KNOW you will get better. Glad you like your CPN and sre getting support for B/F. Stopping B/F extended my sister's PND - she felt it was the only thing she was good at. You are right to keep doing it. Sending best wishes your way, mears.

Hi Susan - I think that numbness can also be made worse by the medications when you first take them. I definately found that with seroxat - but it did wear off after a while. That feeling of 'nothingness' is just so awful.
Hope you start to see some improvement soon. Sounds like your CPN is great.
thinking of you.
Kizziex

Good to hear from you susan, I hope you get the Effexor soon, its a really good drug. Hope you're getting lots of love and support too. pie xx

Susan - thinking if you. That empty pit of nothingness is horrible, I totally empathise with you. Keep going, day by day, and keep posting. We are here with you.

Here I am again, updating!
I had a really good appointment with the psychiatrist today. Due to probs with the drugs they wanted to give me and breastfeeding, things aint changed much and I'm still feeling pretty down, but he was actually a great help.
We've decided that changing drugs would be a problem, as the changeover period would be about 6 weeks to get a therapeutic effect. Todays session was HARD going but ultimetely very helpful and I did agree with his final decision that I am being far too hard on myself in the quest to be a perfect mum (all very hard really - my Mum abandoned our family when I was 12 with my Dad's best friend, and goodness me he brought it back today, and made me see how many of my current probs are linked to that - although I had counselling about all this when I was a studdent I wasn't a mother then ..... so there are a few new issues to discuss ....).
We're going to do another session next week, and then make a decision about further treatment. As I think I've mentioned before, I had ECT before and found it a very useful treatment, so this may be our best (and quickest) option to getting me better, if the talking therapies are getting me nowhere. We'll see. It's drastic, but it seriously works, and if it is going to get me back to normal in 3 weeks, then it could be a really good choice. It's just a big decision to make, with general anaesthetics etc involved, plus finding someone to look after dd2 (9 weeks) while it happens!
I'll keep you posted.

(((hugs)))

((((hugs)))) Sorry Susan Ive only just seen this thread. I went through exactly the same following the birth of my first dd. I had a real battle to get most people to believe that I wasnt right. On the surface they thought I was coping, underneath I was crumbling. You probably are being too hard on yourself, I was told the same at the time and refused to believe it. Its only when you look back that you realise how high you set your own targets, and its you that expects them not necessarily anyone else.

Great to hear that your MIL is being so supportive. You really need people like that around you. As hard as it will be take up any offers of help that you are given as it will help you to get better all the quicker.

Take care

xxxxxx

susanmt, only just caught up with this thread (saw your post on JennH's thread).

Just wanted to say that, though it probably doesn't feel like it now, you are being so incredibly brave. I'm so glad you've found the strength to keep going and find help. As someone who has had PND with both my babies (youngest is now 2 and I'm trying to come off the anti-d's now), I do have an inkling of what you're going through. I really am in awe of how brave you are - keep updating us, and keep putting one foot in front of the other til you come out the other side.

(((HUGS)))

susan, just seen this thread as have been away. I'm so sorry to hear how much you have been suffering. Biggest hugs to you and may you continue to improve (((((((())))))))))

Hi Susan. Glad the appointment went well today. I think you're right about the counselling - although you had some while you were younger I think motherhood brings everything back to the surface.

Re. the breastfeeding - I understand exactly how you feel - when youve got PND you feel guilty enough already so anything you can do for your baby feels like a bonus.

However (and sorry if Im repeating - I may have already told you this) - I ended up having to stop bfeeding not because of Anti d's but because I got quite a major infection and had to take very strong antibiotics (werent safe for the babies.)

I really felt like I was letting them down but the infection was just getting worse and worse so had no choice in the end.

If you decide against the ECT what about some kind of compromise - keep bfeeding to say 12 weeks (I didnt get that far) so that your daughter really has had the best start from you and then shift the priority to you.

If at that stage you decide to swap to a different AD you really will be doing the best for your daughter anyway by getting on the road to recovery and you really shouldnt feel any guilt about stopping at 3 months. It just goes to prove what a fantastic mum you are to have stuck it out this long.

I really do think you've done an amazing job to keep feeding your daughter through all this and I hope you find the right treatment for you over the next couple of weeks.

Thinking of you
Kizziex

Thank you for taking time out to update, Susan. I hope the sessions work out for you. And thank you for posting so honestly and openly. I believe you're doing so much good by removing some of the mystery and fear that surrounds mental illness. Take care.

Hi. You read my other message, so i feel like you do. I don't know if it is PND though.

susanmt, ECT sounds so drastic. Are you sure it's worth it?

Hugs susan (()) How's that score going?

I know ECT sounds like a drastic option, but it is a safe and exceptoinally effective treatment for depression of any kind. The biggest (and only real) risk is the general anaesthetic, which lasts for about 5 mins. I had to have ECT after dd1 was born (I was taken away by the men in white coats that time - almost) and it made me go from gibbering wreck who could do nothing to perfectly well and able to go home within 3 weeks. I think a lot of people have a 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest' kind of vision of therapies like this, but honestly, the up to date versions are nothing like it - about as related as surgery before anaesthetics to modern surgery, I think.
This time if it comes to that then I will be able to have it as a day patient and go home in the evening, and have treatments twice a week for 3 weeks. I honestly think this is where we will end up - I spent most of the night last night pacing around the house, thinking about all the things we had talked about - I know I have a lot of issues, especially surrounding my mother, to sort out, but I'm not sure that while I am in the pits like this is the time to do it as I don't have the resources in myself to deal with all the issues thrown up by bringing it all to the surface. I'm mad with my Mum today, and its 21 years since she left. And it's ds's birthday today too so I'm going to have to call her later and I really dont want to.
Families? Who'd have them, eh? Just hope I never screw my children up the way my mother did to me.
Luckily (??!!) dh had a meeting with the psychiatrist today about another patient (small, small world up here) so he's going to mention how the session affected me, and we'll decide from there whether it is time to give up on talking for now and take it up again later when I have the emotional reserves to cope.
Thanks for all your hugs. It's nice to know there are people out there who care.

Dear Susan
have only just caught up on this thread - and am feeling very humble at your bravery. Very very best wishes for you and all your family - you are a person to be proud of

susan, I have been following your news and thinking of you. You are being so brave in facing this and your determination to breastfeed your baby and put that before treatment to make yourself feel better is truly self sacrificing. Your messages are so honest. You show so much self understanding. That and the good support you have, make me believe that you will find your way out of this and make the best decisions.