I feel like it's probably a bit late to post on this thread. Could someone direct me to a different place if necessary?
I thought I might be making a fuss over nothing but having seen the posts others have written, I'm convinced there is probably a problem and I'm looking for advice. I've read all the posts on all of the ragged bits threads!
This might come out quite long so I do apologise in advance if it does.
DS1 - young, ignorant, terrified. Horribly traumatic. Had an emergency caesarean as there was no way at the age of 20 that I would let the OB anywhere near my perineum with a pair of scissors or forceps. In retrospect I don't regret that decision as I'm convinced the damage would have been quite severe if I'd birthed him vaginally. He was OP and asynclitic. And BIG. I had HG and preeclampsia. I pushed for four hours and when it came to do the section he was so jammed down in my pelvis it took two doctors to pull him back up. Had a uterine infection after he was born.
Seven years later, DS2 arrived. Lovely problem free pregnancy with no issues at all. HBAC drug free with a wonderful IM who I trusted completely. I have a tiny pelvis so pushing took about an hour for him to squeeze through, but we got there. Sadly, I have always had a very tight vagina and inflexible perineum. My body couldn't control the heaving at all. I roared like a lion and he went from crowning the size of a 20p to fully out in 27 seconds. He shot out like a bullet and I felt the pop as I tore. It didn't hurt but I will never forget the feeling, like my perineum was just suddenly unzipped. I was terrified of tearing so I did everything to avoid it, like birthing in water and pushing upright.
I got out of the birth pool to deliver the placenta and was checked. I had a second degree tear that very narrowly avoided being a third degree. To the point my midwife did a rectal to check my sphincters, which seemed fine. The tears were completely straight and my midwife was convinced that if I just sat with my legs shut it'd heal fine. So I didn't have it sutured and I cannot believe how much I regret that. My perineum healed fine and looks completely normal. But inside took a lot longer and nearly four years on it still feels all sorts of wrong down there.
Sex always feels horrible at the start. It feels like my vagina is shaped completely wrong. If I try and use a tampon or a menstrual cup it hurts and wonders off like there's a cave just inside my vagina opening.
I can't hold my bladder well at all. I've been religious about doing my PFE's. I don't have any stress incontinence but once I need to go I can't hold for long or I'll completely wet myself. My bladder can barely hold a glass of water before it feels bursting full. I never feel like I've emptied properly. Every time I go for a week it feels like I need to poo as well but trying produces nothing. 1-3 minutes after a week and if I stand up for a long time, I get a sharp pain that feels like a dagger in my vagina. It makes me tense up. When I relax my muscles I get a leak. It smells of wee and I have to wear Tena liners. But it isn't wee. It has the consistency of discharge and is a yellow brown colour. If I place my hand over my urethral opening while I am getting this leak it feels like my opening is gaping but then it goes back to normal. I have had repeated urine tests and urethral swabs, including checking for STI's, there is no infection there. I haven't had sex in 18 months because I feel like I always smell of wee and sometimes when I have sex I think I leak wee. Like I've said I've been religious about doing my PFE's but I wonder if I'm doing them wrong?
In addition, when I check my vagina with my fingers I feel bulges on both the front and the back walls and they hurt to press. If I press one of the bulges I can feel what feels like a tiny hole and I get a big gush of a brownish mucus like leakage.
I have bowel urgency but not usually accidents. Quite often it's very difficult to empty my bowels and if I put my finger in my vagina I can feel a big lump of poo through the back wall. I always have skidmarks no matter how I wipe. If I have a loose bowel movement (which is frequent because I have anxiety disorder and it triggers IBS attacks) I get a lot more mucus discharge and I've sometimes felt like there's small flecks of poo coming out of my vagina. I can hold my wind in my bottom but sometimes I feel a high up bubbling sensation and I feel like there's wind coming out of my vagina.
I have seen a gynae several times but never a urologist or a colorectal person. The problem is I have endometriosis and multiple intramural fibroids so every time I talk about these issues I'm dismissed and it's attributed to that. But I know this is different. I've repeatedly tried raising these issues and now I've become so demoralised I don't bother even trying any more. Ridiculously I've never had a proper vagina examination, only an ultrasound scan where they didn't seem to see anything other than my other gynae issues. I've not had a rectal examination since I was checked after birth.
Having vagina exams is excruciating and always leaves me sore and bleeding afterwards so I'm very reluctant to subject myself to them if it's not going to get me any closer to a solution. But I cry when I think about living with this forever. I smell, my confidence is shot, I have no sex life at 31 and I always hurt. I just want to be able to wee and poo normally. Sometimes pooing is so hard that I get very painful anal fissures which are sore for ages afterwards and bleed when I poo again for at least a week afterwards. Lactulose has become a staple drink in my house but absurdly sometimes I get really acidic diarrhoea and need to take loperamide.
I was talking to my best friend about this last night and he was amazed at how much I've normalised it and how long I have lived with it for. I want to cry when I think that this is my lot in life. And I want to hit people when they tell me things are just different after childbirth and there's nothing wrong down there. I want to be able to walk down the road without fanny daggers and leaking. I really regret falling for natural birth bullshit and having a HBAC.
Sorry to ramble on for so long but I really needed to get it off my chest. It all sounds so much worse when it's all written down :-( I had no idea you could get all this shit after just a second degree tear and a supposedly wonderful in concept natural birth. I love my midwife and we're still friends. I don't blame her at all and I don't think either of us could have done anything differently to prevent this.
I have Ehlers Danlos syndrome and I'm sure this is to blame for the wreck that is my vagina. I feel ruined and hopeless. I only found out I had EDS last year after complaining for over a decade about the related symptoms. I love my children so very dearly but if I'd known about the EDS before I had them I would have known in advance the damage it could do to my body and seriously reconsidered having them.
Can people give me support/advice/hope?