I know I drink far too much. I can, over the course of an evening, drink an entire bottle of pinot single handedly. And wake without a hangover. And feel guilty because I know I'm drinking too much!
After the 'usual' drinking of late teens, and through my 20s, unlike most of my friends who settled down to proper 'social' drinking, I didn't. I don't drink a bottle every night, I should add, but I do drink probably 3 bottles a week (21 units?) now, and I feel it's creeping up. I can go a night or 2 without a drink, or maybe just have a small tumbler of beer (with DH). I never drink before 6pm and usually start as I'm making dinner.
I don't actually think my drinking affects my family. I can't ever 'not do something' because I've had a couple (except drive, which of course I wouldn't!). I rarely get a 'swimmy' head (which implies I'm very used to alcohol!). I think I get 'chattier', though. DH, who is very sensible, has never suggested he thinks I'm drinking too much, either, though I can't see why not as he sees the recycling bin! TBH, I would be embarrassed 'admitting' it to him. Also, were I to bring my drinking back to within acceptable limits, I know he'd give me that look every single time I picked up a glass for the rest of my life. He would mean well but I would feel eternally patronised.
What I would like to do is go to the GP and get some liver function tests but as others have noted here, you really don't want 'alcoholic' on your medical record unless you have to as yes, it IS a label! A friend of mine recently was initially 'refused' cover by her husband's work private health scheme due to someone misreading a form about her drinking! I am very aware of the potential health risks- increased risk of cancer, of dementia, of being a gagga old lady instead of an involved grandmother (though my DSs are in their teens), and so forth but, here in my late 40's, I can't make that feel real. And the thing is, if LFTs came back as 'normal', I know I'd treat that as a green flag to keep on drinking as I can! (My mother is a life long very heavy smoker who is fighting fit at 80- she 'got away with it' though I know alcohol and nicotine are 2 very different drugs!)
I drink because I like the feeling that first glass and a half gives, I like the pointy edges of life slightly smoothed, but of course, once you've had that 1 1/2 glasses, your guard is down, so the 3rd glass 'won't hurt'... I am a bit anxious, but by no means 'clinically' so. I like to know that, as 5pm comes around and I only have 45 mins more of chaos at work, that nice cold glass of pinot is awaiting me at home as I sit in the garden with DH and debrief about our days (he'll have a bottle of real ale). I have a couple of friends who also drink to excess (ie the same as me). I don't see much of them socially, but when we do we we tend to have a bit of a bender (once every 2 months?).
I really want to drink less not abstain. I don't want AA- sorry, I know people who have tried it and they tell stories of 'submitting to higher powers' (??) and of being at meetings with quite scary people who are waaay out there, not 'nice, middle class professionals' (as they see themselves) who know they're overdoing it but find slowing down wasn't as easy as they thought it would be! People who worry about the effects of alcohol on them medically, not socially, iyswim. One did 2 meetings before realising she felt a bit of contempt for most of her fellow AA goers; one drank cans of lager in bed of a morning, one's DH had walked out taking the DC when she was in the midst of an out of control alcohol fuelled outburst. This is what they've said, not my experience as I haven't been and probably wouldn't.
I am thinking I am going to try choosing given days a week to be completely alcohol free, at least every other day. I am thinking I will buy miniatures (Asda or Tesco are doing 4 for £5 right now!) and only chill one (I wouldn't necessarily drink warm pinot!!).
What do you all think?
Are you thinking 'Delusional!' she's a raging lush and is 'no better' than the people her acquaintances have described at AA, just less far down the road. My 'defence' would be that I'm only repeating what was said, that what I've heard about AA requires the 'belief' in a higher power which just isn't 'me', and that I don't judge such folk, but I also know that if their experience was so very different from my own, I wouldn't be able to relate at all, that's all.
Are you thinking it's impossible to pull back from 'a (fair) bit to much' to 'less', are you thinking I need to undergo Cognitive therapy?
Helpful responses welcome, ta!