how the heck do I support DH tomorrow if the consultant tells him he has cancer?

[MrsShrek3]

sigh. just that. DH has Big lump in neck. Various doctors, registrars and pathologists looking very worried and saying he "should have been told more". Appointment with his own consultant tomorrow afternoon. Worried sick, but wtf do I do to help him? He doesn't want me to go with him, he;d rather I keep the children with me.

So sorry to hear this x

It does depend on how old your children are as to what level of information they need.

My mum had cancer when I was 5 and I don't really remember much about what was going on. I knew she was going into hospital and having an operation but didn't really understand the significance. She developed terminal cancer when I was a teenager and we had very factual discussions including the fact that she wouldn't recover. (Note my mum did not have a lymphoma but a much rarer cancer that is particularly hard to treat).

When my dad developed cancer in his 80's I had to explain to my own children about his illness. They were 3 & 7 at the time. I kept it simple but factual. I think for the older one it was something along the lines of "Grandpa has cancer, that's an illness when some of the small cells that make up your body forget to stop growing and so there are too many of them and they cause a lump inside you. " I explained that the doctors will give medicine to stop the cells growing anymore and might use other treatments to make them go away or Grandpa might have an operation. This seemed to be enough information for them and once they had an explanation that would satisfy them for a bit and a day or two later they might ask something else.

I often think its the adults having the whispered conversations etc that is more unsettling for the children than factual information.

BTW the only person I know who had Hodkin's Lymphoma is still going strong decades later and is now a grandfather.

Sorry to read this. I had Hodgkin's lymphoma when I was 21. I have been in remission for 22 years this year. The lymphoma association are good for support - I guess you'll know more after the biopsy and scans, but thinking of you.

Hodgkin's not Hodkin's

Dd1 was six and we told her daddy had a virus in his blood which was naughty and making him sick so the doctors were giving him meds to make him better. As she's got older we have given her more information so dh treatment is long term so slightly different.
My neighbours son had lymphoma and was dx shortly after dh, had a year of treatment and still going strong after remission.
We have two wonderful Macmillan nurses who are great. They are the people I ring above the doctors as they are quickly, nice and always do as they say they will

My brother had hodgkins when he was 23 yrs old .he was 63 last week !!!

MrsShrek3, in the midst of all that you and your family are going through / will go through please find time to seek support for yourself.

I am the one in my family who has cancer and is receiving treatment. But, in many ways I think I have the easier journey through this strange land. It is DZH that I worry about.

Oh lovely, sorry the news isn't the best. Hope that the differential diagnosis of the type is better news.

Your DH sounds so practical and strong - hope he's really strong underneath and not just being strong for everyone else. Glad they've found it and gone to work on it quickly, bummer about the holiday but I think this sort of thing is covered by insurance so you should be able to get some money back if it's that sort of holiday.

I agree that it's probably best to be factual but brief with the DC - don't give them too much info but enough to stop them googling themselves and scaring themselves silly.

You will tell your work, won't you? I think you need to, really. Completely understand not telling other people though, too much to deal with just now. :(

((((hugs)))) - here for you any time you need a chat. xx

Another one who knows Hodgkins lymphona, my db had this about 20 years ago when he was 17, horrible and tough times ahead for you both, db got through it, best luck to you and your DH

I'm so sorry that your DH (and you) are going through a difficult time. Listen to your DH when he wants to talk. Reassure him and love him. You will find the strength.

My DH has been diagnosed with a serious illness. Sometimes he wants to talk about it. Most of the time he wants things to be as normal as possible. You can help create the normality.

Make sure you have a friend or two in real life to share with. It's tough watching someone you love suffer and you will need to offload.

Mrsshrek, I was so hoping it was nit this. Your local hospice or macmillan should have specialist people to talk etc with younger ones re diagnosis. May or may not be helpful. Thinking of all your family

Just got back from dropping him at the hosp for biopsy. Now what?!

First? Put the kettle on and make yourself eat something. Yes, you need to.

yes, was just going to suggest have a cuppa and some breakfast, you need to look after yourself too.

Now you make list of jobs and things that need to be done. Then assign them to anyone other than you apart from the ones only you can do. Order a food shop because it will be a while before you fancy or see the reason for shopping or even eating. Include a few nice treats.
Hope today bring a little bit of good news x

I'm sorry you're all going through this. I really hope that the biopsy gives you some better news, I too have heard that lymphoma can be very effectively treated in many cases. Thinking of you x

I hope you've had some breakfast. I tend to be better if I keep myself busy so is there anything around the house you have been putting off doing that you could distract yourself with.

This might sound like a bit of strange advice but here goes. Give yourself some time and space to be upset, you've had a big shock and I am sure you are more worried than you are letting on. If you have some time by yourself its really really is OK to let out your anger and sadness - sometimes a stiff upper lip isn't all its cracked up to be. You can always come on here and have a rant.

Take care.

Got cuppa. Might eat toast in a bit. Lisa, thanks again. Hadn't thought of online shopping, great idea.

Keep busy. Makes the time go quicker.
Thinking of you all today xx

MrsShrek, so sorry to hear this crap news. I don't have much to offer other than a hand to hold, but I do remember a boy in our school had HL. He took quite a bit of time off, but was back in time for exams and he had... curly hair!

Are you prepared for this? Mop top hubby? Obviously not relevant if he is bald anyway.

Everyone is different, maybe you'll do your 'falling apart' once the worst is over. Maybe you'll cry now. I think you'll get loads of strength from your DCs. There's no script, just take it as it comes. And accept all the support you're offered...

Thinking of you x

Sorry to hear the news, hope he gets on ok today. Is he staying over night? Maybe you could take him some bits in.

He is hopefully coming home this eve heard that he's on the afternoon list now, when he was told that it was going to be the morning one that just means he'll be there longer.

Its not uncommon to get bumped back, for example, if there is an emergency case. Now you know that is going to be a few hours before you hear anything, you and the DC could go out for a bit and enjoy the sunshine and eat ice creams the size of their heads

So very sorry to read this, but it is very encouraging reading other people's stories on here too. Hoping everything goes well today xxx

MrsShrek - sorry the news wasnt good (only just seen this thread) - you sound like a wonderful supportive wife and your DH sounds like he has his head screwed on right - you will both get through this!

Thinking of you!