how the heck do I support DH tomorrow if the consultant tells him he has cancer?

[MrsShrek3]

sigh. just that. DH has Big lump in neck. Various doctors, registrars and pathologists looking very worried and saying he "should have been told more". Appointment with his own consultant tomorrow afternoon. Worried sick, but wtf do I do to help him? He doesn't want me to go with him, he;d rather I keep the children with me.

(I'm also a little about how many of us have kids with ASD and dh with cancer!!

Thanks Lisa! I've told a few people about that Pat bitch since you first told me!

Turning, hang in there! All that info can be very scary but it's a bit of a case of information is power - it helps you ask the right questions iyswim.

Am also astounded at the DH with cancer/dc with asd thing. Obv there's far too much of both dx around unless it's just among nocturnal mners tbh ds1 deals better with DHs situation better because of the asd, he takes it as a bunch if facts and doesn't worry too much about further implications - so in many ways he's better off than his brother.

Don't be surprised if your dh doesn't want all the information you do. My dh just wants the bare facts where as I want to know everything.
We had a few books for dd1 about cancer which helped and she tends to take it in her stride now. Dd2 was only 18months when dh was dx so she has never really known her dad without cancer.

Then again, it was the other way round in our house. He wanted to read everything. I needed to get my info more slowly. Unluckily he found it funny to find out about treatment making him poisonous/radioactive/bald and kept reading chunks out to me so he'd be laughing and me crying. The git.

Hello all, how is everyone doing? Hi Lisa PAT really is a cow, I'm sorry you did not find anyone to share with at the start, I really appreciate your advice now. How long is it since your DH's dx?

We have not had a very good few days here, I think we had been building up to that first scan result so much and initially were just so relieved it wasn't the worst result and then it sort of hit us that PAT will be a frequent visitor and we sort of fell into a bit of a hole.

I am the one who wants all the information! It helps me to feel more in control. DH tends to deal only with the most immediate thing in front of him and not want to think about the next. This can cause some a lot of tension, although I have not yet tortured him by reading aloud MrsS!

DH is very bad at appointments - he doesn't talk, remembers barely any of what they have said, or worse misunderstands completely - it is like he was at a different appointment to me. On Monday the consultant ended up having the entire conversation with me as DH just looked panic-stricken and couldn't speak.

He has been in a terrible state the last few days but is so bad at talking about how he feels so he was being really horrible. In the end I said we had to talk about it. I managed to get a few words out of him when I asked what was scaring/worrying him most:

...the waiting...for the surgery......feeling like a leaf in the wind........what if his foot is gone when he wakes up.... and he cried which was horrible but we had a hug and I think he feels better for sort of speaking about it.

It is true the surgeon can't tell us how much he will have to take away until he operates but I don't think amputation is very likely although he will have to take away things like muscle so we don't know what loss of function of his foot there will be. I didn't realise he was in such a state about amputation though. We have a surgery date, the 21st so counting down days again. When is your appointment MrsS and how is the chemo going this time?

Sorry that was a bit of a long ramble

So how many people here have kids with ASD as well as DH's with cancer then Forgive me I don't 'recognise' people and hadn't realised or missed it in the thread? I just posted in SN on the hoarding problem we are having at the moment with DD if any of you have any advice you can share on that too, please pop over and look...

DC with ASD and DH with chemo - Me and someone else afaik... I'm not willing to name them, they can do it themselves if they choose.
Turning, hugs. Dunno what else to say. Your post is anything but rambling, it's very clear and articulate, and explains perfectly where you are at. It's good to share, and I really feel for you :( A cancer dx really tests how strong you are, as an individual and as a couple. You sound really strong.

Well we have dh with cancer and two girls with ASD.
Dh was dx 3 and half years ago, there isn't a cure for him so he just continues on chemo at home.

Hi, sorry didn't mean to sound like I was asking people to list details, sorry if it sounded a bit like an interrogation was just a bit surprised I hardly know anyone in RL with either, never mind both. We have all been better today, hope you are all doing ok. I have been wading through forms, DSS, pre-op, insurance etc. but it feels better to be doing something practical. Lisa you have a lot to deal with.

@ interrogation
I think being in the situation we're in just makes you remove all the frilly shit waffle and just get straight to the point . I've been scaring people with bluntness apparently but DH is worse cos he also thinks it's funny

yes this is making me a bit blunter than I usually am, reduced a group of friends to an awkward silence on friday. They did ask about it all, but I was a bit blunt . A lot of people really want you to to make it comfortable for them don't they but I don't always have the energy to do it. DH is a bit very blunt and also thinks it is very funny

I reckon we should run a bit of a comp for who gets the most points on Awkward Moments. Five seconds plus silence gets double
Some nice friends said to DH "I'm sorry to hear bla bla NHL" the other day - he responded with "ooh so it was you that put it there was it, I've been trying to figure out who did it"
Unluckily they didn't have a clue how to respond to his apalling humour He wins the Awkward Moment of the Week award. They had to hastily talk about the weather.... Good to hear mine isn't the only man with nonexistent awful soh

I think your DH is amazing the way he is handling it. "Git" or not.

ps. I think he has a wonderful soh, he and you make me laugh.

Ps, I wish my DH had been able to handle his cancer and chemo like your DH MrsShrek.

Wouldn't bank on that, Dig. He's been through every emotion in the book plus a few more and can change heads at least twice a day so it's hard to know whether the dh I had before going out has the same personality when I return the changes in his mood can be huge. Mostly he enjoys taking the piss out of people and that tends to prevail

Great. It's count drop day. He's spent it all in bed. The weekend was nice, he was almost human. I would like the REAL DH to step forward so I can keep him!

Hi just a quick message to say I know exactly what you mean and so far we are only dealing with the stress side of things not the chemo effects as well am on phone and supposed to be working but will post again properly later ((hugs))

The bitch called PAT is here. And I would like to send her home. We have our appointment tomorrow for the scan results and I feel sick with tension. Mr Daisy is quite content, it seems. He is sure it is working and that we'll be able to cope with whatever the news is tomorrow. I just have The Fear.

We had a shite weekend which ended up at our local hospital; Mr Daisy was really tired last week and spiked a temperature on Friday night which went as fast as it came, but on Saturday night he did it again and it hung around for an hour, so we rang the oncology unit and they said go to A&E. Of course, the instant we had coats on, bag packed and dogs put to bed, the temperature disappeared but we went anyway. They gave him a good going over and discovered that there were no signs of infection, he wasn't neutropenic but that he was terribly anaemic again. Newby doc wanted to keep him in but they couldn't find a bed, and by 2 in the morning we were pretty fed up. Then we saw a less new doc and he agreed we would be better off going home and coming back for a normal transfusion on Monday morning in the day hospital. We got home at about 3.30am. It is knackering, this cancer caring thing.

Still, new hb and Mr Daisy is doing well again. And the most heartening thing that came out of it is the cunty oncologist said on Monday that the transfusion had to happen that day so that it doesn't delay chemo on Tuesday next. That has to mean they're going to continue. Doesn't it? It has to be a good sign?

I am not looking forward to the wait until tomorrow's appointment. I am doing my absolute best not to think about it but it is very, very hard.

Hi Daisy so sorry that PAT is back and The Fear with her sending ((hugs)) to you too

Hugs Daisy. It's horrible Will be thinking of you x

Hi Daisy thinking about you today.

Have been thinking of you all day,daisy, lots of positive vibes. How's Mr D?

Well, all that fear, lying awake planning for how to handle every single scenario I could imagine happening and downright panic once or twice was a complete waste of time.

The results of the scan were good. The oncologist (not cunty one, shame) said they couldn't have hoped for a better result at this stage. . They couldn't find the tumour in his stomach to measure it . The tumours in his liver have significantly shrunk in size and the affected lymph nodes are also showing massive signs of improvement.

The plan is another 5 round of chemo making 8 in total if he can tolerate it; 6 in total if he can't.

I am so, so, so relieved the chemo is working. It is working brilliantly. The oncologist was wrong, wrong, wrong. We have not been sent home for palliative care and measuring up for a box. That's what he said would happen and I will NEVER be able to forget it.

Thank you for thinking of us - and sending positive thoughts. At the moment, things look a bit better. We are both a bit quiet and shocked tbh. But in a good way!

Hi Daisy so so glad to hear your news. I have been holding my breath wondering how you got on. I am not surprised you and MrD are shocked after what the first onc told you but so glad it is shocked in a good way. It sounds as positive as it could be at this stage (smile)