how the heck do I support DH tomorrow if the consultant tells him he has cancer?

[MrsShrek3]

sigh. just that. DH has Big lump in neck. Various doctors, registrars and pathologists looking very worried and saying he "should have been told more". Appointment with his own consultant tomorrow afternoon. Worried sick, but wtf do I do to help him? He doesn't want me to go with him, he;d rather I keep the children with me.

Yes we've been off. Going back on weds if I do sorry you're in the same crap place. The first couple of cycles were like you describe, but %233 was a whole different game. Four's the elusive postponed one. We're now 2 weeks behind. Which means the end is 2 weeks closer to Christmas, and may well be Christmas week. DH not that bothered but for the dc.

oh no...hope it doesn't affect your christmas too much.
dh has only had 2 chemos so far and has (he thinks) either 10 or 8 to go depending on how he responds to it. I have worked out that dh will be okay for christmas if he keeps the current dates, but not for new year. But dh said he wasn't sure if they actually were open over that time.

Mrs Shrek sorry things are so grim for you; we're thinking about Christmas too at the moment and wondering how it's going to be. I really think you should take some time off work - I have no clue how you are coping with a full time job, DC and this. My work is cut out managing a part time job, this and 4 dogs.

I am absolutely beyond terrified - we got a letter on Friday summoning us for a scan today. It's the scan which will tell us how the treatment is going and I am so, so frightened. I can't get what the first consultant told us out of my head; he rougly said we'll give you three treatments and there's only a 30% chance of them working. Then we'll scan you and if they haven't worked - and I don't think you'll be in the successful 30% - then it's home for palliative care.

Rationally, I know the following 2 oncologists have been a little more hopeful; offering slightly higher odds and saying that there are other treatments which may possibly be available but I can not get that out of my head. I don't know what to do with myself.

It's hard to reconcile the hopelessness of the oncologist with my lovely, strong, determined husband. He is still bloody working; he is still functioning, laughing, just being him. How can that be?

Hello MrsShrek and also to Daisy corny and others on here in the same boat. My DH has also been diagnosed with cancer. I found your thread and read through all of it last night as I couldn't sleep. It was helpful reading what you have had to say and some of the good advice you have had and made me feel less alone at 2am but So So sorry you are all going through this too. MrsShrek if you need to take some time off work then I hope you can do, it is so hard to cope with everything when this has turned your life upside down. I am finding trying to work with all this going on and keeping it all together for DH and our two DD's really hard too. Although it can be a good distraction at times too, but dealing with this kind of stress is really exhausting and I find I can't keep my mind on it properly. Are you sleeping any better? I have been finding this really hard, particularly the last week. Daisy no wonder you are feeling so terrified today getting the scan results having had those kind of things said to you. We are also getting scan results today to find out how far it has spread and we find and what will happen next. Your DH sounds amazing. I am sure it is really hard to hang onto the rational thoughts and not be really scared - I am really scared too. I really hope you get some good news today.

((Hugs)) turningupsidedown
I'm really sorry to hear about your dh
Has he recently been diagnosed?

Hugs, Turning. Feel for you
The sleep thing's down to the point of ridiculous now for me, haven't had a proper nights sleep since April and tbh am past caring. It's the loneliest most scary time too. I've got to go out for a bit now with the dc, but back in a bit.
Hang in there daisy, thinking of you too, know just how scary it is xx

Ah Daisy - that is bloody hard. I really hope the scan shows something positive for your DH (do remind him to slow down though - he really does need to let his body rest a bit!)

Turning - sorry to hear you are in the same situation as well - bloody awful disease. :(

MrsS - you need your sleep too, lady. Try anything - all the herbal stuff, essential oils, anything - I know it's really hard though.

(((hugs))) for all who need them.

I feel totally inadequate posting on this thread and just hope all your DHs the very best and hugs, sleep and strength to you all.

I was feeling very irritated about something very trivial my DH hadn't done. You have reminded what really matters.

Aww Stars... Thanks for good wishes
Yes it reminds you what's really important - but it doesn't make em any less irritating at times - someone quoted way upthread about a grumpy dh mid-chemo who was about to be throttled!! It just makes us feel guilty for getting aggravated with em

Hello, thanks for all the good wishes from everyone, it has been a long day. Daisy I hope you are ok.

corny* how are things for you? thanks for asking about DH - it is and it isn't a new diagnosis, a quick history:
DH noticed odd rash on his leg about this time last year. Mentioned it to GP in Feb when there for something else, by this time small lump had appeared. GP puzzled and referred to dermatologist at Hosp. Saw him in May, lump bigger, he thought it was a lymphoma and did biopsy. After three weeks he told us it was benign but needed to come out as can turn cancerous. But then got urgent referral for surgery as they still thought it might be cancer. Next consultant at different hospital concerned, cancelled surgery for more tests. Then they told us again definately benign, surgery booked as non-urgent end of august. This did not go well. Tumour had doubled in size in two weeks preceeding surgery, they had to do a bigger skin graft than planned he developod a seroma and an infection. We have been going to hospital (not close either, about 1.5hrs away when no traffic) 2 to 3 times a week for the last 2 months. 5 weeks ago we went to see the surgeon, we thought to discuss the failed skin graft and she told us that the pathology had come back and it was cancer after all - a soft tissue sarcoma. So we have been waiting for scans (CT and MRI) and to see the sarcoma specialist for our region. The previous surgery and the fact it is rare mean it has taken a while - we had no information or support during this time, it has been really hard during the last week I think we have both really lost it with the waiting. Today was results day. So, the good news was his lungs were clear - this is where it most commonly spreads to. The bad news is, it has not been removed from his leg, there is still tumour there. So more serious surgery is needed next, they will have to remove a lot more and try to reconstruct his leg, then radiotherapy after it has healed. Chemotherapy is not done for this unless surgery and radiotherapy are no longer options as it does not work very well. I am sort of glad and scared about that if that makes sense

Sorry that was not as quick as I meant to be .

MrsS I hope you don't mind me posting on your thread too, and it is not intrusive - please say if you would rather I started a separate thread rather than jumping into yours. It is helpful to find other people dealing with this too, although awful that anyone is facing it, but in RL although one or two people are being great, I am finding that a lot are avoiding talking to me or ask and then change the subject quickly - they are scared to talk to me about it which makes me feel I am on another planet or something. It is very isolating. I am sorry you are finding sleep such a problem, it is really hard isn't it.

Thumbwitch and Stars thank you for sending your good wishes my way too it is an awful thing.

Hugs to all, hope everyone gets a bit of rest tonight.

Turning - that must have been so difficult for you and dh. I know that I found the waiting/not knowing part awful, but luckily for us dh was diagnosed fairly quickly from the first investigation so we had a plan of action, which makes it easier to deal with I think. I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that waiting.

yes, that waiting is hideous. That was the start of this thread, iirc... the longest week and a half of our lives. I took it worse than he did tbh. The whole thing is very very scary, and like your worst nightmare in slow motion in front of your own eyes. As others said to me early on, when you have a treatment plan it sort of feels like it's under control. That may well be an illusion, but it is far less scary and far safer to be in the middle of treatment, no matter how crap the course of that treatment is.
And it's good to have support around you. It's so sad that there are so many of us posting from the same perspective here. in a way it's harder to have your nearest and dearest suffering like this, it feels so helpless at times. All we can do is try and help each other out. I really wish you weren't all in the same situation, but at least we have each other in the same place iyswim - and lovely sane people like Thumb, Pacific and various other lovely folk wandering in as the voice of reason. (Sorry to whoever I've missed, and I know there are some - my brain's mushed, head up my arse and I can barely remember my own name let alone anyone elses, so sorry)
It's chemo day for dh tomorrow...the long postponed one. No sleep going on here tonight.

Good luck tomorrow mrs shrek
Sending positive vibes

cheers, m'dear. Thinking of you too :)

Sigh. Am planning to go to work, against my better judgement... have to take ds1 to school in about a quarter of an hour, then I'm better off carrying on to work than skiving (I think)

Taking time out to keep your strength up is NOT skiving, woman!
Perhaps you could work short days or something? [hsmile]

Have got an awesome boss who's said just that today. IMHO it would probably be better for all of us if I do a bit instead of getting signed off completely. Feel a bit at it because it's most definitely preferential treatment but probably I should just take it and say thank you!

You should definately just take it and say thank you! Thank goodness for awesome bosses. Mine is also being great and letting me work more flexibly than is usually allowed to help us out. Hopefully working a bit will help give you some distraction but without it being an intolerable stress - worth trying the reduced hours option first anyway, you can still decide to get signed off if it doesn't help enough. Really hope it helps. I guess you are having to do a lot more of the household tasks, errands driving etc.? It is really exhausting taking on the stuff your DH normally does, on top of the not sleeping, and the stress and worry. Hope you go for the hours offer and it helps.

Turning- spot on
How are you and yours doing?

Definitely take it and say thank you! Boss sounds awesome indeed - hurrah! You need a bit of good stuff to happen [hsmile]

However same (awesome) boss was grilling a slacker colleague and insisting that they fill in a leave form to get 30 mins worth of unpaid leave to go to a dental appointment... Clearly there's some favouritism inequality going on which could potentially be embarrassing iyswim. Going to have to be careful (or we pretend the change is contractual )

Surely no-one could begrudge you being allowed to reduce your hours under the circumstances? Just do it. How is dh - did he have his chemo?

Yes he had his chemo. Neither of us slept last night, he was really unwell and unsettled but strangely not as bad as last time although physical effects worse iyswim. Still supremely crappola. He's been in bed all day today. Peripheral neuropathy bad again and no feeling in fingers spreading up his hand, feet and legs are affected too. Lots of scans and his consultant appointment in 2 weeks. eeek.

Sorry you and DH have had a really bad day again today MrsShriek. corny how is your DH doing with his chemo? The waiting and build-up to scans and appointments is truly awful . Last night we read some of the information they gave us on Monday and I wish we hadn't it is scary. DH got up at 6am and has been rushing about trying to do things before he has his surgery. This despite his foot still being very swollen and unhealed from the previous surgery and he is still supposed to prop it up whenever possible. He is now completely exhausted but has got in a state about trying to fix things around the house before the next surgery. He has lost a lot of weight and gets tired easily . My DSis took DD's away for a few days, they are back tomorrow so will need to tell them about DH having another op. We did talk to them before but we are not entirely sure how much DD2 who has ASD really understood. When we had finished explaining that the doctors would need to do more to make dad's leg better, we asked her if she had any questions. Yes, she said, there was a pause, we were anxiously wondering what she would ask and then 'Can I have a TV in my bedroom?'

Just come across this thread again