Update on Rindercella's DH

[Rindercella]

Apologies for putting my name in the thread title - it seems so self important but I don't mean it to be. So many of you offered so much help, support and fantastic advice, I just wanted to let you know where we are at. Previous threads here and here.

DH was diagnosed with advanced metastatic prostate cancer with secondary lymph node cancer in May last year, when our DD2 was just 5 weeks old. 9 months on and things are very far from well. DH's health has unfortunately really deteriorated since then. Particularly since Christmas he is suffering so much more pain and discomfort. He can now barely eat and is just so, so weak.

He saw his oncologist yesterday and he is to start a course of chemotherapy starting next Wednesday. He also needs a blood transfusion next week (and thank you to everyone who gives blood, what a brilliant thing you do).

He is a very, very ill man. It is so bloody hard to see the man I love so very much waste away. There is no prognosis. I know he is going to die from this fucking awful disease. I just don't know when.

I am getting counselling, which is definitely helping me. And my SIL is now more or less living with us which is so fanastic I cannot tell you - her being here helps us all so much, and it helps her and it helps the rest of their family, knowing that she is here. I actually don't know how I coped for the last couple of months before her arrival. I am still manically busy, and that's with an extra person helping me. I think DD1 feels it very much too and is especially clingy to me and she really hates me leaving her (eg when I drop her off at preschool).

Mostly this seems so surreal. Like I am not really typing these words. Cancer. Chemo. Only pallative. My darling husband. Those things just shouldn't be joined together. But they are and it is very, very painful.

I hope that the chemo does make DH feel better (I understand that he is likely to have bad days following the treatment). The worst pain for him is in his bones. He sometimes screams out with the pain. Just heartbreaking.

Does anyone have andy advice on how best to help him through his chemo?

you sound like you have had an emotional day - though I suppose they are all like that

Rindefrs - you ramble away my lovely. I agree with your general sentiments about this fucking disease - it is such a thief. Robbed me of my mum way before she should have gone and thus robbed DS of ever seeing his nanna.

So sad about that lady - glad they got past their anniversary though. Silly things like that can help.

And not at all silly of you to think about Father's Day - it's a milestone to focus on for now, and then there will be another one after that and so on.

You will grieve for your father as well, probably later. I couldn't let myself grieve for mum properly because I was pg with DS and I didn't want to stress him so I buried it all for a while.

Love the video idea - would add to it as well, perhaps he could do videos of things he would say to them on special days, like first day at schools, special birthdays, the day they get married etc. I know it's a long way ahead but I bet it would be lovely for them to have.

Lots of love, Rinders & family xx

Rindercella I lurk on your thread, feeling for your situation so much but not quite knowing what to say. Your latest post has reduced me to tears at what you are going through. I still can't find the words but I just wanted to send you lots of love and let you know that you are in my thoughts. You are not a stupid person at all, you are a wonderful, wonderful woman who does not deserve to be going through all of this xx

do you have a video camera hun?

Rindercella - I agree so much with what you say about cancer. The thief that has stolen so much from us all.
Just keep doing what you're doing.

What is so touching it mad me teary,is that in the midst of all the cr*p that you are dealing with, you still have compassion for a virtual stranger. You are one lovely lady.

I thought of you today Rinders - and how much future with Richard has been taken from you. :( It's incredibly unfair.

But I did want to say that there is one theme that runs through the hospice and that is that you can physically see how much the people who are in there are loved by their families. And the dying must take that memory with them in some way, that they are surrounded by loved ones and I think that's all anyone can hope for really to achieve a state of mutual love and be together for as long as they have, whether you get to see our 60 years together or six.

Rinders - your post is a reminder to everyone to value life and the people they love every day
I hope your day is blessed

Rinders - I'm not suprised Richard was tired today - he's had a busy few days! :) Hopefully he had a good nights sleep and is feeling a bit perkier today.

Cancer is so so shitty - it robs so many of us of the people we love. That poor lady - I bet she is just so very exhausted, and now she's alone in her grief as well. It's just not fair.

It is really hard on you that you haven't had the space to grieve for your Dad.

Biggest hugs x

I wish there was something I could say or do to help but I will send you a big hug and tell you I am thinking of you all.

Lovely post WMMC.
Hope Richard is feeling better today R.

Very lovely post WMMC.

Rinders - ramble as much as you like. If rambling away here is lessening the stress even a little, then we are very happy and honoured to be rambled at.

The video of Richard reading stories is a lovely one.

Another thing that I have read of is cards for special events. 16th, 18th, 21st, wedding day etc being written. I think I saw a mum who had terminal breast cancer did that for her DCs. Not sure if that is something you have already thought of or if Richard would feel able to. Might be too heartbreaking.

Hi Rinders, how are things going? I'm glad you got to do the birthday party and lots of photos so very very important and video or voice recording, my kids often watch old holiday DVDs with their Dad in them or they like to look at photos and their memory boxes, abbey likes to listen to the archers intro tune as she used to often sit with her dad whilst he listened to it. Memories last a lifetime, but we don't always know how long anyones life will be. And frankly no amount of time is ever enough.
Take care
Oj & Co.

Rinders Hope things have been good for you, the girls and Richard today. The thought of the bedtime story made me cry, it's such a beautiful thing for him to do.

Buda's suggestion about the cards is lovely too :)

Much love to you.

Rinders, ramble as much as you want on here. I, along with so many others are standing next to you as you face each day. And at the end of each day we're here for you

Much love and strength, another unknown who is ready with a shoulder x

just want to send hugs and strength.xxx

Thinking of you all, any further treatment planned for Richard?

Just another little suggestion which you may like to consider.try and get a handprint of your whole family done in plaster,then it can be framed and kept.My friends did this when they were losing their son,so they had 3 teenage and two parents hands on it.The hospice helped them to do it.

Hi rinders, I know I can't help but just wanted to add my continuing support for you x

That plaster idea is brilliant... really really brilliant.

Thinking of you all every single day xxx

Mummylin - that's a really interesting idea. The Victorians did a lot of that sort of thing, modelling hands and arms and so forth but I think then it sort of fell out of fashion but it's a fantastic way of marking the space that somebody fills iyswim. Something you can feel and look at and touch - that is really powerful. Aitch I'm not surprised that has had such an effect on you.

Rindercella - thinking of you all.

mummylin what a great idea. I wish we had done that when my brother was ill. I too am shedding a little tear at the thought of it.

Lots of love to you Rinders and family x

Get one for each of you though - the girls won't want to toss for it when they're older.