Please come and hold my hand, I am terrified

[amreallybrickingit]

I am a namechanging regular

I shoul;d start by saying that I have long-term anxiety and depression, I take medication for both

OK so I had a horrific pregnancy and birth qwith dc1 and a less than ideal one with dc2

I have never had a smear test as I am phobic about my body and every time I book one I chicken out

I started feeling about 6 months or so ago that I was still "full" after a bowel movement, and started pushing on my perineum to empty it properly each time

I read about rectoceles on MN and thought I must have one, because I did have injuries after dc1

I was leaking wee as well, this has got worse and worse

I then started a few months ago bleeding a bit in between periods - I fretted and worried about it but did not have the guts to tell a doctor (terrified of being examined)

To cut a long story short I am now bleeding heavily for 3 weeks out of every 4, some stop-starting, some big clots and some "flooding"

I also have a really vile-smelling watery discharge, usually mixed with blood, from my vagina, and a horrible dragging sensation

my urine has been dark and cloudy and vile-smelling for months, I did go for a urine test about this (only had to see a nurse and no exam) and it was sent away and came back clear of infection

I should add that I have a major problem with my body psychologically, I try not to see it naked myself if I can help it let alone let anyone else see it

I have appalling skin all over, lumps, rolls, scars, I smell foul, everything about my body makes me feel ill and for me to let somebody examine me - and they WILL make remarks about how overweight I am - is a huge thing for me

today I have quite a lot of pain and feel generally unwell, and the discharge/bleeding is really bad, so I have decided on the spur of the moment to go to the walk-in centre at the local hospital and just tell them everything

I can't go until dh gets home, so please hold my hand until he gets here, I am in a state

and please, don't try to guess who I am

sorry, I am terrified because everything I have is on the lists of symptome for cervical cancer, advanced stage, and I have never had a smear

I know I am stupid, please don't tell me

look, you are doing the right thing by getting this sorted out
be brave
it will be better to face up to it by an examination than by ignoring any more

don't start hypothesising now
just focus on the next step, getting to hospital

Firstly stop panicking, secondly stop googling symptoms. Thirdly doctors have seen far worse than you. Get a friend/family member to go with you and hand hold, but you need to see someone. Good luck x.

I agree with ninah - it is better to have an examination than to live in the obvious fear that you are living in now.

Keep being brave and you will get through

thanks

What if they think there is something really terrible though? Will I have to wait months to find out?

just wait and see what they tell you, no point second guessing

Hope you get to the walk in centre. Take care, be strong.

I have some major medical-type phobias so can really sympathise with you

In all probability this is going to end in you being sent home with a big box of antibiotics and nothing more so try not to think about worst case scenarios (impossible I know!) and focus on simply getting though the appointment. One thing at a time.

I don't have much in the way of useful advice for the appointment itself. I tend to start every appointment by apologising in advance for how ridiculously phobic I am then asking them to explain exactly what they intend to do before they do it.

I will be thinking of you x

do you think so neverbesure? I have totally convinced myself that I have end-stage cervical cancer, I know how pathetic I am, but I have all the common symptoms

I keep looking at my little boys and trying not to burst in to tears

be brave i'll be thinking of you and holding your hand.

thanks so much

what do I say when I go in? I can't say "I think I have cervical cancer"

Oh hon

I have had skin cancer (turned out to be a wart - applied cream 3x day for 3 days and it fell of) and cervical cancer (turned out to be persistent thrush - took a few pills and applied cream 3x day for a week and it went away).

Each time I was literally planning my own funeral. Each time it was something simple.

There have been others, I shall think of them soon I'm sure!

I would make a note of the most obvious symptoms and either read it out or hand it to them. They will ask questions about your other symptoms to eliminate all the biggies.

Oh, poor you.

Don't panic, and try not to get too worked up.

Would it help if you printed out what you wrote in your OP and just handed it to the nurse? That way she can read it and knows about the problem you have regarding your self-image.

good idea never quite sure, then if you get abit flustered you won't forget anything.
i have had to show doctors places where the sun doesn't shine and have got all bothered about it but they see asses and fannies of all shapes and sizes every day. all they are gonna care about is finding out waht the problem is and solving it. i'll be thinking of you.

You should print this out and give to the person you see.

Am holding your hand virtually too :) Listen. There are alot of things your symptoms could well be down too, its human nature to think the worst ( i know i do) i have a real problem going to the doctors too and get nagged about it all of the time by DH but i know realistically that there is nothing they can do to help if you dont go and seek it first.

You are doing the right thing going, you dont have to say anything like you think you might have cervical cancer but you can tell them all of your symptoms (perhaps tell them you are in pain too?) and they will do all the tests in order to put your mind at rest.

Its definately not right to be bleeding as much as you are but if you have smelly discharge this could well be a sign of infection im no gyne but this could well be tied up with you bleeding. I hope so.

Let us know how you get on - good luck and try ( i know its hard) not to worry - big (because i think you need them) (unmumsnetty) hugs x

I once thought I had every symptom of an awful awful disease, and I was in a right state for almost a year. I too was terrified to go to a doctor in case they confirmed my worst fear. I honestly feel that I "lost" that year of my life. Anyway eventually I managed to pluck up the courage to go and there was nothing wrong with me.

Now when I look back, I wish I'd gone sooner so I could have avoided all the worry.

Also, if it is something more sinister, it is highly possible that you will be able to get it sorted out and live a relatively normal life. A good friend of mine had advanced cervical cancer and is absolutely fine - she just got married and is expecting a baby through a surrogate.

Unmumsnetty ((((((((hugs))))))) and a hand hold xxx

You are doing the right thing by seeking help. Can someone go with you for moral support?

Can I also add that many of my symptoms were caused by severe anxiety. As soon as I could relax, a lot of them went away.

You really are doing the best thing going to the docs. well done for going. As others have said write down your symptoms, so you don't forget anything, tell them your fears and worries so they can help you.

For what its worth, don't assume the worst, I know no one can diagnose over the internet, but I had symptoms very similar to yours several years ago, and it was a problem with a fibroid that had gone a bit yucky, nothing sinister but it needed sorting. Good luck - it will be a relief for you to see someone

Also, I would definitely advise writing a list.

The amount of times I have been to the GP and then come away thinking, "Oh, I forgot to mention that, what if that was really significant", and then worried myself sick until the next appointment.

Spend some time writing it until your DP gets home.

So sorry you are experiencing all this anxiety. It's so hard to suppress the negative thoughts but firstly, I would do as everyone else says and get seen. You cant possibly sustain this level of worrying - you are going/ will go mad! Secondly, I would ask to be referrred to a psychologist for cognitive behavioural therapy for your health phobia. Your GP will do that for you. Good luck!

You are getting yourself in such a pickle. But I think deciding to go to get medical help is a good step forward.

I have several ongoing major health issues at the moment, and have just had a gynae op to sort out 50% of things, and I am starting to feel better already. I had very similar symptoms to you and it wasn't cancer. They have worked miracles IMO, repairing things, cleaning things out, fixing bleeding, all sorted at once. Aftermath of surgery less difficult to deal with than childbirth as well.

This all came about because with encouragement from my DH, I told the doctors I had hit rock bottom, wanted to improve my life and get my health in hand and not live like this any longer, and they have all been brilliant. It is what they are there for. They like patients who decide to get better and then take their advice.

(I also made sure I avoided any unsympathetic doctors who muttered about my weight as an excuse not to treat me, as all too often weight gain is linked to many other health and childbearing issues and comes off when mothers have sorted other things out and got a bit of rest and recuperation organised, IMO. Slim people sometimes fail to appreciate this properly. If you get one of these insensitive types then try another doctor).

You will be OK, and it can only go upwards from here, my lovely.

xx