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Original poster

Please come and hold my hand, I am terrified

73 replies

amreallybrickingit · 25/10/2010 16:04

I am a namechanging regular

I shoul;d start by saying that I have long-term anxiety and depression, I take medication for both

OK so I had a horrific pregnancy and birth qwith dc1 and a less than ideal one with dc2

I have never had a smear test BlushBlush as I am phobic about my body and every time I book one I chicken out

I started feeling about 6 months or so ago that I was still "full" after a bowel movement, and started pushing on my perineum to empty it properly each time

I read about rectoceles on MN and thought I must have one, because I did have injuries after dc1

I was leaking wee as well, this has got worse and worse

I then started a few months ago bleeding a bit in between periods - I fretted and worried about it but did not have the guts to tell a doctor (terrified of being examined)

To cut a long story short I am now bleeding heavily for 3 weeks out of every 4, some stop-starting, some big clots and some "flooding"

I also have a really vile-smelling watery discharge, usually mixed with blood, from my vagina, and a horrible dragging sensation

my urine has been dark and cloudy and vile-smelling for months, I did go for a urine test about this (only had to see a nurse and no exam) and it was sent away and came back clear of infection

I should add that I have a major problem with my body psychologically, I try not to see it naked myself if I can help it let alone let anyone else see it

I have appalling skin all over, lumps, rolls, scars, I smell foul, everything about my body makes me feel ill and for me to let somebody examine me - and they WILL make remarks about how overweight I am - is a huge thing for me

today I have quite a lot of pain and feel generally unwell, and the discharge/bleeding is really bad, so I have decided on the spur of the moment to go to the walk-in centre at the local hospital and just tell them everything

I can't go until dh gets home, so please hold my hand until he gets here, I am in a state

and please, don't try to guess who I am

OP posts:
Dumbledoresgirl · 25/10/2010 17:04

Good luck and lots of positive hand squeezing from me too. I really hope it turns out to be something easily cured.

Have you ever watched Embarrassing Bodies on tv? There are loads of people out there embarrassed about their bodies, but the doctors have always been very sympathetic and non-judgemental. I hope you get the same response from whoever you see today.

EnSuiteShed · 25/10/2010 17:05
SpawnChorus · 25/10/2010 17:16

Oh you poor thing....it's horrible to be so terrified. Hope you get to see a lovely kind doctor and come away feeling that the awful oppressive weight of fear has been lifted :)

BoffinMum · 25/10/2010 17:19

Some comments on your first post, in case they help at all. I am not a medic, but just another mum who has some overlapping health problems with yours.

OK so I had a horrific pregnancy and birth qwith dc1 and a less than ideal one with dc2

You can get debriefings on births to help you recover. Most maternity units seem to offer this now.

I have never had a smear test as I am phobic about my body and every time I book one I chicken out

Well today can be the first. You can then tick that off the list.

I started feeling about 6 months or so ago that I was still "full" after a bowel movement, and started pushing on my perineum to empty it properly each time

Rectocele grade 1/2 I am guessing, from what happened to me. Easily repaired. In fact they give you a bit of a fanjo nip and tuck at the same time and you can end up as 'tidy' as before having kids!

I read about rectoceles on MN and thought I must have one, because I did have injuries after dc1

Very common, a reasonable thought most probably.

I was leaking wee as well, this has got worse and worse

Other kind of prolapse (anterior wall). They usually refer you to a specialist physio for this and teach you how to do pelvic floor exercises in a more sophisticated way. If that doesn't work they can repair it surgically. It is a routine op.

I then started a few months ago bleeding a bit in between periods - I fretted and worried about it but did not have the guts to tell a doctor (terrified of being examined)

Needs a smear and a prod of your tummy, I should imagine.

To cut a long story short I am now bleeding heavily for 3 weeks out of every 4, some stop-starting, some big clots and some "flooding"

May even be hormonal and if so could be fixed with a Mirena coil while they repair your fanjo. This is a coil with a very little hormone in there that has the effect of regulating bleeding. A gift from the gods for many people.

I also have a really vile-smelling watery discharge, usually mixed with blood, from my vagina, and a horrible dragging sensation

Odd - ask them to test for STD, but it may be something as simple as wee leakage or a bottom that has not been wiped between its ickle botty creases (do this carefully with feminine wet wipes to improve things).

my urine has been dark and cloudy and vile-smelling for months, I did go for a urine test about this (only had to see a nurse and no exam) and it was sent away and came back clear of infection

Did they test the right sample? It has been known that they don't. Need a retest and a proper doctor's view here. I would be hitting the cranberry juice in the meantime, though.

I should add that I have a major problem with my body psychologically, I try not to see it naked myself if I can help it let alone let anyone else see it

That comes across, but what also comes across is your determination to get sorted and hopefully that will carry you through this first stage of the rest of your life.

I have appalling skin all over, lumps, rolls, scars, I smell foul, everything about my body makes me feel ill and for me to let somebody examine me - and they WILL make remarks about how overweight I am - is a huge thing for me

This is a long list, and it probably makes sense to take it all one step at a time. Today, confession to doctor that you feel terrible. Tomorrow, spend time on hygiene, maybe buy some new products to help. Day after, start drinking more water and make one solitary diety improvement, even if it's only eating an apple or something. Baby steps. You can feel better.

today I have quite a lot of pain and feel generally unwell, and the discharge/bleeding is really bad, so I have decided on the spur of the moment to go to the walk-in centre at the local hospital and just tell them everything

I think this is so sensible and I have a lot of respect for you finally making this decision.

Boff xx

PixieOnaLeaf · 25/10/2010 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BoffinMum · 25/10/2010 18:31

Wise words, Pixie.

Hope she is there now and getting good advice.

ByThePowerOfGreyskull · 25/10/2010 18:37

hope all is well fwiw, I had a smear a few weeks ago as I was convinced I had cancer. I was even convinced that they had the result wrong when the result came back clear very quickly. However it is a huge anxiety thing and not cancer at all.

You have been really brave, and although I have no idea what you look like I can be pretty certain that the medical professionals will have seen bodies less attractive than yours!

jardins · 25/10/2010 20:24

I am with you all the way! Let us know how you are!

From,

Another mother who can worry herself sick about having cancer

EnSuiteShed · 25/10/2010 20:57

How did you get on brickingit?

Hope you are ok ma'luv xx

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 25/10/2010 21:01

I hope you are ok and the hospital sorted you out physically.
Im no medic but these could all be overlapping difficulties, try not to panic but please go if you havent already, trust me docs have seen it all.

pushmepullyou · 25/10/2010 21:27

Hope you've managed to get to a doctor and are OK. There are loads of things that can cause these symptoms, but I too worry myself sick about everything. Endo or hormonal problems can cause intermittent bleeding - that's what it turned out to be for me when I was having similar problems.

purplepeony · 25/10/2010 22:09

You sound as if you are suffering from dysmorphia which is a loathing of your body and which is a psychiatric condition.

It is just possible that you are exaggerating your symptoms such as smelling, horrible skin, and so on, and in fact you are pretty normal.

Not sure what age you are but bleeding like you are can be a sign of the peri menopasue, or it can be a sign of a hormone imbalance.
Also, the smelly dark urine can be a sign of al kinds of conditions, not least your kidneys.

You really do need a sympathetic GP as it does sound as if some kind of emotional/psychological condition is behind all of this.

BoffinMum · 25/10/2010 23:52

Good sense on here
Overlapping problems
Endo/gynae issues

I did wonder whether they would be testing you for an underactive thyroid as well (weight, heavy bleeding, depression, skin all symptoms).

flimflammery · 26/10/2010 06:28

How did it go? Wishing you well. You deserve to be well and happy.

neverquitesure · 26/10/2010 08:52

Hope it went well Smile

EnSuiteShed · 26/10/2010 09:34

amreallybrickingit - hope you are ok this morning.

You know if you didn't manage to go to the doctors, you can tell us, we are here for you.

We're all still hand holding - hope you can manage to let us know how you are later xx

Original poster
amreallybrickingit · 26/10/2010 10:53

thanks for hand-holding, it did help

I was examined at the walk-in centre, the doctor said I do have a slight rectocele but nothing that would explain all the bleeding/discharge

she couldn't see my cervix because too much blood etc Blush

she took a swab and has sent it off, I have to see my own gp at the end of the week and the result should be back

I was so flustered and upset {I cried} I didn't ask what the test was actually for

so none the wiser really, but I do feel better for having started on the path of getting myself sorted out, although still worried because I don't know what is wrong.

I was thinking last night that I would NEVER in a million years let one of the children get into a state like this without getting help. I seem to treat myself quite badly Sad

OP posts:
neverquitesure · 26/10/2010 11:05

Well done you! I'm the tiniest bit in awe of your bravery in just going and doing it. It usually takes me at least one missed appointment to do these things Blush

The swab was probably a smear test. I expect they will run tests for infections, STIs, cancerous/pre-cancerous cells etc. The usual gamut. There are lots of things it could be, most of which are pretty minor and easily fixable. Obviously you'll worry but hopefully a lot less than you were yesterday.

Your last comment is so true. I sympathise, I really do.

purplepeony · 26/10/2010 12:21

No the swab would def NOT be a smear- read the post and the OP said the nurse couldnt find her cervix. they don't do smears if youare bleeding, as they can't get a reliable sample. Most likely it was to check for mixed infections etc.

Well done OP_ hope this is the beginning of getting yourself sorted.

neverquitesure · 26/10/2010 12:44

I had assumed that they couldn't see the cervix well enough to do a visual inspection but may still have been able to visualise it enough to take a swab for a smear.

I did read the post but didn't know that they don't do smears if you are bleeding.

winnybella · 26/10/2010 12:47

They do take smears when you're on your period- but on the light days, not at itsheaviest, according to my gyneco.

BoffinMum · 26/10/2010 15:14

Glad you wetn and were so brave.
You can always ring back and ask what you are being tested for. They will have a record.

Did you know you can take up to 600mg ibuprofen four times a day to reduce heavy bleeding problems, if there are no contraindications (eg your other medication, stomach problems)?

mydadsdaughter · 26/10/2010 15:35

i'm really glad you went in and have been thinking about you today, try not to worry too much although i know that will be hard. I hope you will start being nicer to yourself from now on in! Smile

EnSuiteShed · 26/10/2010 15:36

Very very proud of you - well done in getting the ball rolling.

Hope you are treating yourself to something lovely in some way today Smile.

purplepeony · 26/10/2010 17:46

Did you know you can take up to 600mg ibuprofen four times a day to reduce heavy bleeding problems, if there are no contraindications (eg your other medication, stomach problems)?

Are you sure about this?
Ibuprofen is similar to aspirin which works as a blood thinner and can cause more bleeding. Can you refer to the source for this info?

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