Think I've discovered my father is not my father!

[whojamaflip]

Let me start by saying I'm not particularly bothered by this - my childhood was somewhat difficult so this may be relief!

I've had notification from ancestry that a close relative has been identified through DNA.

By the name it looks like it's my brother but we only share 25% according to the results. All dna links are on my maternal side.

I've been struggling with my family tree and dna links of 3rd cousins which have come up because no matter how I tried I could not make the link to these people through my tree - common ancestors do not match on my paternal side.

Am I right in thinking 25% indicates a half sibling or have I read this wrong?

Hi OP. I found out my dad wasn’t my dad via an Ancestry test. In my case my biological father had done a test and we were automatically matched. It was quite a shock. I am also the oldest in my family and my parents had been together more than a decade when I was born. I’d never had an inkling. It was quite a shock, but it’s also not as unusual as you’d think. I’m in a Facebook group for DNA NPEs (not patent expected) and there’s nearly 10000 of us in there. Hope you’re ok as you explore this x

And surely, there's always been 'unofficial' sperm-donors, by mutual arrangement.

Wandering off into the realms of even more unlikely: your father could have absorbed a twin which then contributed its DNA, meaning it was your dad's sperm but not his chromosomes. The chances of this are millions to one, but it has happened!

Something like that wouldn't explain your mother's reticence, though, OP.

Horrible possibility but could they have used a sperm donor or could your mum have been assaulted?

From one of OPs posts:
“ I've over 500 cousin suggestions but not one fits into my fathers side of my family tree.”
This did make me wonder if there was a sperm donor, as it is a huge number of cousins. But I don’t use ancestry so unsure how strong a match a cousin suggestion is.
good luck OP in figuring it out.

Clarifying how you are related to your brother will give you more insight. I bet you can't wait for him to visit.

@Another2Cats no, my dm was not in the Uk at all. This was before dm met df, she was in another country. Both boys have the same surname. The one that’s my ‘db’ has the same surname as his dm,
Df and du were in the area in the Uk. I can fathom together that both fathered dc and the one in the US has a DM who moved there with her dp/dh from the US airforce base.

Please be careful OP, your mother may well have experienced something very traumatic leading to this and would understandably be reticent to talk about it. It doesn't sound like you are hugely emotionally invested in your paternity so maybe leave her be.

Thanks everyone for your replies - it's certainly been an interesting development but one I'm strangely ok with.

I have considered the possibility that dm was assaulted and if so then I can only feel grief that she went through that but grateful if that were the case that she went through with the pregnancy otherwise I wouldn't be here.

The sperm donor angle is one I hadn't considered but would make sense. It's emerged since my father died that he had numerous affairs during his marriage to dm and to be honest when I did the dna test I fully expected half siblings to come out of the woodwork as a result of him playing away. I thought perhaps this was the reason for dm being so against me doing the test. So far there have been none which would support the thought that he was unable to have children.

It will be interesting so see where dbs dna matches lie on his paternal side - if there are no connections to our fathers family tree it will further support the sperm donor idea.

Personally I am at peace with the notion that my genetic father is someone unknown - dm obviously has her reasons for keeping things quiet and that is her prerogative but I am curious.

I had similar though not as close when ancestry uncovered half cousins and I realised one of my grandparents wasn’t my grandparent.

Soon realised my grandfather wasn’t my grandfather which tied in with a few different things. my mum was born during ww2 when grandad was in the army and fighting in France. I’d assumed he must have had leave at some point but guess not. My grandma before she died told me she’d had a gentleman friend in the war and grandad had found out and there had been a fight. I wonder if he always knew my mum wasn’t his. Or maybe he had also had leave around the time of conception so was never sure.

I put my dna on 23andme as well as some others which were free, I just uploaded my DNA file. Finally managed to work out which of two brothers were my grandad. But he died some time ago. My half cousins are in denial and think their grandads brother is my grandfather but I’m sure they’re wrong. No idea if I have aunts or uncles who are alive which is a shame.

Yh. I wouldn't jump to conclusions
Is your father/father's family on Ancestry?
Could he have been adopted ? (both the father & the 25% match)

Would your Mum be prepared to write down the circumstances and keep it sealed in an envelope alongside her will? Seems a bit harsh after the passage of time to leave you with unanswered questions.

My Grandad had a family secret and although my Dad tried to find out he refused to talk about it and took the secret to the grave. We did find out through DNA matching years later but would have preferred to know the human side of the story.

OP you sound very level-headed about all of this!

Have you looked at the “Origins” bit of your DNA report in Ancestry? Within that section you can split it down to the different parental sides. You might glean something of interest from that which gives very localised info. For example, if I hadn’t known before that one of my parents was from the Huddersfield area, I wouldn’t have been left with any doubt about that parent’s origins after reading that bit of the report.

My friend was born late 60s and her mother used a sperm donor. Not in UK though.

Yes you are probably right. If you know he is your (supposed) full brother and he is only matching 25% with you then he is not likely to be full but is likely to be half brother. Unless you have some reason to think you don't share the same bio mother, then it is probably different fathers.
And if you match as expected to cousins on mother's side but can't find any family tree links to 3rd cousins on your father's side, then yes I think your bio father is not your social/legal father.

How long were your parents married before you came along? (In my family, we are pretty certain that when a baby came along 10 years after the couple got married in the 1920s, it was the result of a family friend “helping out”.)

What's your closest match on your dad's side (cM)?

Hi OP i've been listening to a series on radio 4 you might find interesting, it's hosted by Jenny Kleeman and it's called The Gift. It focuses on people who've taken DNA tests, and what they've discovered as a result.

Whilst waiting until your brother can visit, if you have a current Ancestry membership, you should be able to add their Pro Tools option for an additional fee. You can then use the Enhanced Shared Matches within that, to look more closely at how the cousins you have been struggling to place, might be related to each other. This may in turn help you figure out at least some likely avenues of further research as to who you link to them via.

Adoption is another option.
And there is adoption within families - so a DNA connection too.
Does your mother have a twin sister?

My Mums' cousin needed to use donor sperm but then their other child was a surprise and completely natural two years later! 1970s

@NotVeryFunny - closest match on my paternal side is 195 cm - third cousin

If you are sure that you have no relations to your fathers side (but your brother does) there are 3-ish options

1. Willing affair.
2. Non-consenual sexual encounter
3. Insemination- Donor

I share 1,906 cM | 27% shared DNA, with my half-sister.
Still trying to find my Dad.

This is so interesting, as I know so little about DNA. And struggling to get my head around it, so apologies if not relevant. But it may be helpful to share that, in my family, the mum passed off her teenage daughter’s child (her grandchild) as her own. So, the child was brought up without knowing their eldest sister was actually their mum and their mum was actually their nan. So, the maternal DNA would still show an actual family link whereas the paternal DNA wouldn’t.

I imagine it sometimes happened the other way round: teenage son’s family brought up his child as their own because the mother’s family couldn’t keep them.