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Genealogy
Original poster

Family Tree

11 replies

dag011 · 12/05/2019 13:26

Hi folks. Newbie here and would really appreciate some opinions/advice.

I am biological father of an 8yo girl and 5yo boy with my partner of 12 years. Although unmarried, we have been happily living as married (co-habiting) for the last 11 years.

Yesterday at my partner's brother's (gay) wedding, the grooms unveiled a massive framed family tree merging the 2 families. Lovely I thought! Until....

On later inspection I saw my partner's name and picture with links to pictures and the names of our 2 children. My picture and name however were completely omitted as if I didn't exist. I am devastated.

I have searched on the internet for answers and can't find anyone else this has happened to. All the sites say it is easy to show unmarried parents on the tree and I could have been mentioned by name (not bothered about picture) and categorised as a partner/co-habitee, etc.

Am I right to be upset or is this normal? There is no animosity in the family and everyone gets on and sees each other at family events regularly. I'd really appreciate any feedback and happy to respond to any questions.

OP posts:
MarieToulouseBerlioz · 12/05/2019 13:30

That's really horrible to hear.

I've been with my partner for 12 years, and when we had been together for 7 years a family member of his got married abroad and I wasnt invited as we weren't married. I was really upset about it too as I felt like I wasnt part of the family.

I would just not mention anything, or would make a light hearted/sassy comment about it and then leave it.

I'm sure that everyone else sees you as part of the family and that it is just one person who is unfortunately very thoughtless.

GreenTulips · 12/05/2019 13:31

Didn’t you ask?
What did your partner say?

dosydrawers · 12/05/2019 13:31

That seems a bit mean, has your partner asked her brother why you're not mentioned? Maybe they thought only married couples can be included, is it something they put together themselves or was it done professionally?

user1474894224 · 12/05/2019 13:31

What happened with the other side of the family? Was it just his brothers and sisters and kids listed or did it show their partners/spouses?

Original poster
dag011 · 12/05/2019 15:11

It was professionally done. The other side of family had a married brother of the groom whose wife and and children's names were displayed with their pictures too.

I just thought that, with the 2 children being from my blood and the sister's of the groom, I should have been named as either the father of them or as a partner to the mother. Sad

The only possible explanation to leaving me out that I can (reluctantly) accept is that they only wanted to include legally married people to family members.

On a day where a big deal was made of it being a gay marriage and traditional beliefs were heavily criticised/mocked (and rightly so imo) I can't believe they wouldn't allow me to be part of the family. It's not as if we'd had a fling or been in the early stages of a relationship. We've been living as married for a decade and are a strong couple. Maybe I'll give it a few days and it won't bother me so much but disappointed they were personally creating the tree and must have made a conscious decision not to include me. Still in disbelief. Thanks for replies so far, it's really helping me to regulate my feelings.

OP posts:
user1474894224 · 12/05/2019 15:15

I would probably be upset. But if you can keep it to yourself it may be better for ongoing family harmony. Did you say anything to your DP? I would have had to ask - do you know why I was left off? (I'm not good at discretion...... although recognise it is often a better choice.)

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 12/05/2019 16:32

The software I use for collecting and displaying my research has options for all kinds of relationships of all combinations.
There are others (mainly US based) software solutions who try to insist that people have to be married before they can be added to a database.
So either the professional employed has used a restrictive software for creating / printing / creating the template or the idea was "married only" - I'd directly ask the person who ordered the display.

Lilymossflower · 12/05/2019 21:21

I think its really shit they didn't include you and you have a darn good right to be offended, and say something if you wish

redhotchill · 12/05/2019 21:27

How horrible of them. If that was my brother I'd be saying something. Does your DP know about it?

Idontwanttotalk · 20/10/2019 00:48

I think they are just listing blood relatives and their married partners. Quite normal. I wouldn't take offence at it. I really don't think it has been done maliciously.

cdtaylornats · 22/10/2019 18:57

Depending on how much they paid for it the "professional" may have just worked using certificates

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