Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Geeky stuff
Original poster

Phone monitoring

63 replies

notgoodatthis2 · 25/07/2018 21:11

Name changed for this post.

My dh seems to know if I have been contacted on my mobile by a certain number. I think I am being surveyed by a 3rd party but am u sure whether it is only traceable at home.

I did think about WhatsApp calling or my 2nd idea was to purchase a cheap PAYg phone with a new number. Are there any handsets where the phone does not have to be regularly topped up and can be kept for emergencies and credit does not run out.

I just want another number to be contacted on.

Thanks

OP posts:
Gronky · 29/07/2018 13:51

Don't worry about the handset, provided it's not locked to a network you can put any SIM card (that's the correct size) into it and make calls so you could quite easily buy an unlocked phone (not a particular recommendation but I believe Asda sells some cheaply if you don't want to go online) and the SIM card separately. Look for PAYG SIM cards with no expiry and no top up requirements. There's usually a requirement to use them at least every 180 days but, even when deactivated, you can usually call the provider to get them reactivated.

In terms of being monitored, it's likely either happening through software on the phone itself (what make and model is it?) or he's looking at your account (which has a record of calls both placed and received). In either case, it will be traceable anywhere, not just at home. If he's the registered account holder, then you unfortunately have no recourse in terms of him knowing who's calling you other than getting the account transferred and paying the bills yourself.

I understand if you'd rather not answer but might I ask what the nature of the calls are that you don't want him to see? It sounds like there's a big trust issue on his end and possibly a small one on yours.

Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 29/07/2018 14:20

Thanks

The phone is Apple SE, it's not locked and he should not be able to access my account but I could change password.

I'm not really sure how he knew I had received a phone call but he seemed to and he had read my messenger chat and looked at the videos or says he has. He won't tell me what he has done

It is fiddly to insert a new SIM card into my phone

Would a what's app call be safe as it is encrypted or can it still be traced?

OP posts:
Gronky · 29/07/2018 14:54

If the phone is not locked he could have seen your call history simply by looking at your phone when it's out of your sight. WhatsApp is end-to-end encrypted, this means that third parties can't look at what's said in the messages and calls by intercepting the data but they can still potentially see who you're talking to (in terms of governments and criminals). However, someone with access to your phone can still see who you've contacted and read your messages and if your phone is compromised by spyware then the same monitoring can also take place.

Additionally, if he's looking at your phone or there's spyware on it then changing the SIM card won't help hide your calls and messages.

If there's a possibility he's looking at your phone (the easiest option) then having a password on the screen lock and disabling messages from being shown on the lock screen (under the notification centre > messages > "show on lock screen" option) would prevent him from snooping but it won't help if he's already compromised your phone. Since there's a myriad of spying software, it would be impossible to give a simple set of instructions to check whether he's installed some. You should also definitely change your Apple ID password because if he uses the same Apple ID on another iPhone he'll be able to see your call history.

How technically knowledgeable is he?

GreenTulips · 29/07/2018 14:57

YOU MAy be signed in on messenger or his tablet or phone

Change the password to kick him off!

Mine ping in my iPad and anyone can see them appear in the locked screen -

MadeForThis · 29/07/2018 15:10

Of you have an iPad with the same Apple ID the messages, calls and photos will automatically sync. Or he could have an iPhone with your Apple ID logged in

MadeForThis · 29/07/2018 15:10

Or access to your iCloud account

Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 29/07/2018 18:21

I think all my passwords are secure and have fingerprint i.d. And secure password but he did manage to open my phone with his knuckle by a fluke which is worrying.

He doesn't know my Apple password and I try not to leave phone lying around

He has a friend at work who is very computer savvy and monitored my internet usage when I was using face time with other person so I no longer do that.

It feels like someone is doing the surveillance remotely and alerting him?

OP posts:
Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 29/07/2018 18:22

I did turn off my screen notifications for what's app

OP posts:
Beingthere · 29/07/2018 18:29

Might be best to just get another phone and let him monitor your calls on your present one to his hearts content...

Doesn’t sound a good atmosphere though OP, hope you’re ok.

Gronky · 29/07/2018 18:48

The reason his knuckle was able to unlock your phone is that potentially the grease left behind from you using your fingerprint recently was pressed to the sensor by the relatively smooth, pliable flesh of his knuckle. It's one reason why single touch fingerprint scanners are less secure than swipes (both can be defeated if your fingerprints are acquired).

Is your iPhone jailbroken? You can tell by looking for an app called Cydia.

Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 29/07/2018 20:04

That's interesting about finger print. I do use the 6 no code if phone is switched off

He did allude to the situation today and said he could see if a certain n.o. contacted me but he was no longer looking at it.

He may be saving me from myself itms but I don't like the way he has been going about it

OP posts:
AnotherDayAnotherName745 · 29/07/2018 20:13

He has a friend at work who is very computer savvy and monitored my internet usage when I was using face time with other person so I no longer do that.
I know it isn't what you started a thread to discuss, but have a think about whether you really want to be in a relationship with this person? It's one thing to be a little insecure occasionally about a partners other friends, but your OH is systematically trying to monitor your interactions, involving others to help him do it, and doesn't seem at all bothered whether you know it.
It's very unlikely he'll become more relaxed about this over time, he's likely to monitor and control your interactions more as time goes on...do you want a relationship which operates this way?

Gronky · 29/07/2018 20:14

I've never heard of a monitoring system that only lets someone only see if certain numbers contact the individual. Generally, it will give access to specific 'blocks' of data (e.g. calls made/received, messages, emails, ect.) and, depending on the methodology only show when and to how a call/message was made or potentially show the message itself (or even provide a recording of the call).

In short, it's fair to assume that if he can see if a certain number contacted you that he can also see if any other number contacted you as well as, at the very least, see what messages you're receiving (including WhatsApp).

If you feel comfortable, would you mind describing (in as little or as much detail as you're also comfortable with) why he'd need to 'save you' from yourself? It all sounds a little bit spooky, controlling and possibly abusive. As before, I fully understand if you don't want to go into the details. I just don't understand why you'd be more comfortable with him monitoring your communications than simply openly discussing them with him at a later date.

Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 29/07/2018 22:12

I was I a difficult place with my marriage and met someone else. In the end I chose to stay with my dh but if I'm honest I have still had some communication with OM but it has dwindled down and I've tried not to be in contact with him

He called me after and the next day my dh went ballistic. Hence my question.

OP posts:
Gronky · 29/07/2018 22:24

Thank you very much for sharing. I can't pretend to fully understand your situation but it seems like secretly getting another SIM card and phone isn't going to be very constructive long term because if your DH discovers it then it will only cause further trust issues.

If you're not happy with your calls and messages being monitored then I would suggest discussing it before it spirals out of control. It's reasonable to expect your DH to trust you but pretending to allow yourself to be monitored while secretly opening up other lines of communication just seems like a bad choice for both of you.

If you can get an explanation of exactly how he's watching your calls then I would be only to happy to comment on how truthful he's being because his explanation that he can only see when you're contacted by a specific number seems very unlikely.

MadeForThis · 30/07/2018 23:24

Could OM be in contact with your DH?

Either stirring or hoping that he will end the marriage?

JuniperBeer · 30/07/2018 23:26

Are you pay monthly? If you log into your account online you can see calls

Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 31/07/2018 12:43

Thanks for not judging. OH says he won't do this anymore but I'm not risking it.

OM wants to see me as he will be in area but it's a bad idea. My dh seems to read me like a book. I would not do anything inappropriate with OM but dh can't handle me having any contact so....

I doubt dh has contacted him

Very distressed about whole situation

OP posts:
RaindropsOnKittens43 · 31/07/2018 20:18

It sounds as if you and DH could really do with some counseling to sort out what has happened, and how you can move forward, because it sounds a bit of a middle at the moment, and from what you've said, your DH sounds quite unhappy and insecure. I can sympathize with his anxiety over you back to contact with this OM, and while I sympathize with your position too, I'm not sure if you really get how wretched your DH is likely to feel, knowing that you've continued to have some contact with OM (he must love you a lot to want to continue like this..).
Please consider some couple counseling to try to get back on a footing where there is some trust, it's not healthy for either of you to stay like this.

Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 01/08/2018 16:28

We have had some counselling. OM lives a distance but is up at moment and is begging to see me but I just can't risk it. If I'm honest I would love to see him on a platonic level but dh would probably sense something. He was always naturally suspicious anyway

I did look at other phones today but didn't buy a cheap one. I have no one to talk about this in real life

OP posts:
Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 13/08/2018 15:39

He showed me the OMs phone no on his phone and somehow he can see if this no rings mine and gets someone at work to do this. He also has CCTV outside our house linked to his phone although he said it was a dummy camera so knew I had taken a walk on Friday night.

He said he will divorce me anyway but I hate living under this scrutiny

OP posts:
0range99 · 13/08/2018 16:06

If he’s going to divorce you anyway then why stay living under such pressure and scrutiny?

But to answer your question, like others have, I’d guess that he has an iPad / iMac logged to your iCloud account that flashes up iMessages and messenger stuff perhaps.

Alfiemoon1 · 15/08/2018 19:13

Op I am in your dh position my dh had an ea mainly by his phone the lengths he went to to hide it changed from text to WhatsApp so not on the phone bill stopped notifications coming on to his home screen hide his WhatsApp status. Etc. It makes you paranoid i insisted no contact and he has reluctantly agreed she is blocked on social media he no longer has her number
So suggest instead of getting a second phone or working out ways to hide things u discuss things with your dh as to whether u want to work on your marriage and earn his trust or separate

I hope I don’t come across as judgemental I understand your frustration but I do see the other side and when I am feeling insecure or having intrusive thoughts I’ve threatened to put spyware on his phone and divorce

Original poster
notgoodatthis2 · 16/08/2018 08:05

No you don't Alfie thanks your comments are very helpful.

My dh has admitted to me about having cameras and recording devices in various places including my car at various times but he says they are now gone. He seemed to be one step ahead.

He managed to obtain OMs phone number possibly from a missed call or screen even though I went to WhatsApp. He could then see on his phone if I had been in contact. I thought he wouldn't be able to see a what's app call. There was a reason I wanted OM to call me but I don't want to say too much.

OM has been in the area but I have chosen not to meet him.

The chat to OM had dwindled and I was trying to break away. I have found it difficult. My marriage is hanging by a threadAngry

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 16/08/2018 14:31

There used to be an app called WhatsApp detector that could monitor WhatsApp usage. It didn’t show messages or anything just u could monitor when certain numbers were online but it has been shut down now

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.