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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

Original poster

Dd off to uni, boyfriend wants to help move her

62 replies

jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:36

Just trying to get a bit of perspective, dd off to uni in September, we have given her a lot of help and support to get there. She has had boyfriend since February, we find him quite difficult, try not to make it obvious and we always make him welcome but he has acted and done a few things that surprises us, hasten to add nothing to hurt dd, we are a supportive close knit family and family occasions are important to us, he barely has anything to do with his family and does not rate family time high on any agenda. Anyway he wants to help move dd into university. It’s also DH’s birthday the weekend she goes too. We kind of think that going off to uni is a bit or a right of passage and we want to be there to make sure she is ok and settled etc. We think of it as a bit of a family time. Obviously we can not stop him going but I have to say I’m not so keen on it, and I think DH would be even less keen. I’m also worried that he is going to be down there every weekend, she is going into halls. Whereas my plan was to actively stay away for a couple of months as she needs to settle in and bond with the people in her halls. So just not quite sure how to handle this one, ultimately I don’t think we have a choice, we don’t want to drive dd away and into his arms. Sometimes I think this age is way more complicated than toddler years.

OP posts:
slowsundays · 13/06/2023 14:39

If she wants him to help move her in, let him. Be welcoming and accepting even if you're not sure on him.

You can't stop them being together or stop him being there. All you can do is not make it so you're the bad guy here and let your daughter know if she needs you, you're there.

I'm not saying you should roll out the red carpet for him but if you're openly disdainful or seemingly rejecting his presence when your daughter wants him there, you're going to end up the bad guy.

SunshineAndFizz · 13/06/2023 14:40

You should 100% get her settled in, don't be put off going down just because he is.

Also, nearly everyone I know who had a bf before going away to uni ended up breaking up within the first term. Play it cool and let nature take its course.

slowsundays · 13/06/2023 14:41

I don't really understand the part where you say your plan was to actively stay away but you're worried he will be there. He's not her parent. He has a very very different relationship with your daughter, both social and romantic, and her bonding with her hall mates will very much include him if she intends to stay with him at the moment. He'll be included in parties etc until she decides otherwise. He's not intruding and if he were, your daughter is an adult and could voice that with him.

Humerushummus · 13/06/2023 14:43

Nobody keeps their pre uni boyfriend! Never fear. Just be nice and welcoming until the inevitable break up!

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:45

slowsundays · 13/06/2023 14:41

I don't really understand the part where you say your plan was to actively stay away but you're worried he will be there. He's not her parent. He has a very very different relationship with your daughter, both social and romantic, and her bonding with her hall mates will very much include him if she intends to stay with him at the moment. He'll be included in parties etc until she decides otherwise. He's not intruding and if he were, your daughter is an adult and could voice that with him.

Just my immediate reaction would be to go down and see her a lot but we feel that she needs to bond with hall mates etc and parents popping down every weekend is not going to facilitate that. And I worry that if her boyfriend is going down every weekend again that will not help her to bond and make friends

OP posts:
Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:46

jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:45

Just my immediate reaction would be to go down and see her a lot but we feel that she needs to bond with hall mates etc and parents popping down every weekend is not going to facilitate that. And I worry that if her boyfriend is going down every weekend again that will not help her to bond and make friends

Show quote history

It’s a relatively new relationship and he seems way to possessive for my liking,

OP posts:
bibbityboppityboo · 13/06/2023 14:47

It sounds lovely for your DD that she's got her family and her boyfriend helping her move into uni halls! How lucky she's got so many people who want to help 😊

Just not liking him sounds like it'll be colouring your view, her boyfriend probably won't be going down every weekend - and even if he does, a boyfriend is not the same as someones parents turning up every weekend!

CatchThatBallOfFire · 13/06/2023 14:48

How big is your car? Is he coming in a separate car? Because even with basics the car is completely full. Check out the Youtube videos of packing the car for uni. That could be a brilliant reason to not take him with you and move her in. I do think it is a more of a family thing than a boyfriend thing. It is also quite emotional too, you could dissuade her by telling her that her Dad may not want to get upset in front of the boyfriend. Dh was very emotional when we left Ds1, all of us felt bereft on the car ride home.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/06/2023 14:52

Do not underestimate what needs to be taken to uni. There is unlikely to be boyfriend room so unless he's taking himself? I ended up doing two round trips on the same day (North Herts to Central London) because we just couldn't take it all in one go.

I think it's more likely this relationship will fizzle as she gets settled in so I would just make him welcome for now and watch and wait. Also, I never visited my DD in halls aside from a day she wanted a trip to IKEA. She'd come home for the odd weekend if she felt like it.

SirVixofVixHall · 13/06/2023 14:56

CatchThatBallOfFire · 13/06/2023 14:48

How big is your car? Is he coming in a separate car? Because even with basics the car is completely full. Check out the Youtube videos of packing the car for uni. That could be a brilliant reason to not take him with you and move her in. I do think it is a more of a family thing than a boyfriend thing. It is also quite emotional too, you could dissuade her by telling her that her Dad may not want to get upset in front of the boyfriend. Dh was very emotional when we left Ds1, all of us felt bereft on the car ride home.

Agree with this.

redspottedmug · 13/06/2023 15:03

Well you can't stop him but, as others have said, there won't be space in the car. My car is an excellent load carrier, but we have to pack carefully to get 3 seats. Two is better and sometimes it's just the driver with the student following by train-

Hazelnuttella · 13/06/2023 15:06

Are you driving her? Agree with saying there won’t be space in the car.

Or say that you’ll probably cry and you don’t want him to see that. That should embarrass her enough to put her off the idea 😁

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 15:08

Thank for all your advice, I think we just have to suck it up, he will probably drive, we have a large car and roof box and we were even thinking if necessary to take 2 cars. Grandparents live fairly close to her uni so we would visit her when visiting parents but would time it to be November time or similar

OP posts:
FortofPud · 13/06/2023 15:11

If you have an inkling he might be bad news then i think you need to follow her lead and keep anything than can be construed as negative comments about him strictly between you and DH. If you happen to sense that she might be reticent to have him come with you you could say to her something like "is everything ok? If you'd rather he didn't come then I'm happy to be the bad guy so you can tell him there's no space in the car?". But other than that, just go with what she wants and make sure you seem happy with that set up. Let him be the one who ruins the vibe or makes things awkward so that she can learn to spot red flags. If you seem off in your manner than she (he) can pin any problems on you and it becomes difficult for her to develop her spidey senses for bad relationships. New uni friends will hopefully tell her if they find him weird or controlling! Obviously continue to ask careful questions and chat to her about how things are going, and be available for her to express any doubts to.

CatchThatBallOfFire · 13/06/2023 15:11

Definitely go for the emotional/crying angle then to DD. He can visit her on the weekend when she is settled and has sorted her room out.

Hotandverybothered · 13/06/2023 15:16

Does your daughter want BF to help ? If so I think you just need to accept it .
We took all three of ours to Uni and each time I followed on the train so having 2 cars will probably be helpful TBH .
Also we really didn’t hang around because mine all wanted to settle in without Mum and Dad there fussing !

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2023 15:19

@jenkel To be honest, you sound controlling. Let DD decide. You really should not even think about visiting all
the time. There will probably be a natural break up anyway! Just let her sort out her friends. You aren’t in control at uni.

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 15:31

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2023 15:19

@jenkel To be honest, you sound controlling. Let DD decide. You really should not even think about visiting all
the time. There will probably be a natural break up anyway! Just let her sort out her friends. You aren’t in control at uni.

Really, so even if we are in the same town visiting family we do not visit dd. We will be financially supporting as she gets minimum loan which barely covers half her accommodation costs but it’s controlling to visit her. I was just planning on visiting her say once a term, which is generally when we visit family in the area but you class that as controlling.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 15:32

Hotandverybothered · 13/06/2023 15:16

Does your daughter want BF to help ? If so I think you just need to accept it .
We took all three of ours to Uni and each time I followed on the train so having 2 cars will probably be helpful TBH .
Also we really didn’t hang around because mine all wanted to settle in without Mum and Dad there fussing !

Yeah, I was thinking down and back in the day but it’s s long drive so at worst, down one day back the next, we stay at relatives and perhaps just meet her for lunch to make sure no last minute shopping trips needed.

OP posts:
StarchySturgess1 · 13/06/2023 15:40

jenkel · 13/06/2023 15:31

Really, so even if we are in the same town visiting family we do not visit dd. We will be financially supporting as she gets minimum loan which barely covers half her accommodation costs but it’s controlling to visit her. I was just planning on visiting her say once a term, which is generally when we visit family in the area but you class that as controlling.

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This is a bit of a leap. Earlier you said Just my immediate reaction would be to go down and see her a lot which implies much more regularity than once a term. @jenkel is right in that visiting too often is a bit stifling and it needs to be led by her.

I also think it's a bit rubbish to use the "we're funding it" as some kind of bargaining chip about visiting.

As far as the boyfriend goes, she's unlikely to stay with him but you can't really control whether he comes or not, it's up to your daughter. You can always say "we're going to book dinner for just the three of us on X night as a going away/good luck treat" and emphasise that it's just for you two and your daughter.

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 15:46

StarchySturgess1 · 13/06/2023 15:40

This is a bit of a leap. Earlier you said Just my immediate reaction would be to go down and see her a lot which implies much more regularity than once a term. @jenkel is right in that visiting too often is a bit stifling and it needs to be led by her.

I also think it's a bit rubbish to use the "we're funding it" as some kind of bargaining chip about visiting.

As far as the boyfriend goes, she's unlikely to stay with him but you can't really control whether he comes or not, it's up to your daughter. You can always say "we're going to book dinner for just the three of us on X night as a going away/good luck treat" and emphasise that it's just for you two and your daughter.

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It seriously is not a bargaining chip.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 13/06/2023 15:46

If he’s got his own car he load up, brilliant why not, it will help out. If he’s planning on getting a lift with you I’d say no there won’t be room.
having a boyfriend visiting at uni is totally different to family visiting. He’ll presumably just go out with her and her friends. She’s 18, you sound overinvested

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2023 15:52

@StarchySturgess1 I think you meant me!

You really must not use money to control who she sees @jenkel . Now she is an adult, ask her!!! Paying doesn’t give you rights. We paid. Thousands and thousands of parents pay. She should be acquiring another life. We waited until we were invited. We didn’t ever assume we could pop in. Will you be demanding she works in your town after graduating too? Where does it end? You pay because you are helping DD on her way. To be independent. Once a term is not too bad but you did not originally say this. You have also said how close family is and want to exclude her boyfriend. It sounds like you wish to check up on her.

allthebeautifulflowers · 13/06/2023 15:56

When I got a new boyfriend in my first year at uni, my parents just stopped visiting me as much because they felt he he was always around and weren't keen on him. The boyfriend didn't last but I felt rejected by my parents and our relationship never really recovered. Remain present in her life (and discuss how often you should visit, as she settles in) and wait things out.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 13/06/2023 15:57

You're overthinking everything.

It's June. She's going in September. They've been together only since February. They might not even be together in September.

If they are, and she wants him to be involved in her moving in weekend, then you need to let him. After that, it's up to them whether she sees him every weekend or not.

I don't really understand your point about you visiting her either. It all sounds very regimented. Just see how it goes. She might want to come home every other weekend, she might not come home till Christmas. She might want you to visit before mid November. She might not want you at all.

Moving in really in any case isn't that much of a rite of passage. (that I think would be Fresher's week) It's chaotic, there are people everywhere, it's fun and energetic but you just chuck the boxes in, take them to Sainsbury's and for some lunch, then leave them to it. Anything they've forgotten, they get from town in the following days. You can bond over a borrowed fork as well.