Dd off to uni, boyfriend wants to help move her

[jenkel]

Just trying to get a bit of perspective, dd off to uni in September, we have given her a lot of help and support to get there. She has had boyfriend since February, we find him quite difficult, try not to make it obvious and we always make him welcome but he has acted and done a few things that surprises us, hasten to add nothing to hurt dd, we are a supportive close knit family and family occasions are important to us, he barely has anything to do with his family and does not rate family time high on any agenda. Anyway he wants to help move dd into university. It’s also DH’s birthday the weekend she goes too. We kind of think that going off to uni is a bit or a right of passage and we want to be there to make sure she is ok and settled etc. We think of it as a bit of a family time. Obviously we can not stop him going but I have to say I’m not so keen on it, and I think DH would be even less keen. I’m also worried that he is going to be down there every weekend, she is going into halls. Whereas my plan was to actively stay away for a couple of months as she needs to settle in and bond with the people in her halls. So just not quite sure how to handle this one, ultimately I don’t think we have a choice, we don’t want to drive dd away and into his arms. Sometimes I think this age is way more complicated than toddler years.

Your updates have changed what I thought initially and I can see why you’re worried. Him staying on the first night is a terrible plan.

I’m not sure what you can do though. It’s hard.

Him staying the first night is absolutely ridiculous! It could ruin the rest of her time there. One of my DD's flatmates boyfriends came on the first weekend and that was perceived as bad enough by the rest of them.

Really, I think it's too early to be talking about all of this. You've got three months to go. Anything could happen.

My dd went to university in the city I grew up in and where my parents live. It was great and reduced the pressure of going to see her. My younger dc and I went to my parents in October half term as we always do and saw dd for lunch etc a couple of times. It was somehow less dramatic than going especially to visit her.

DD also just said that on their first night there was a welcome event in the SU where you had to show your ID to get in.

OP, reading your most recent post, there are far bigger problems here than him going to uni. This is a coercive/controlling relationship. It sounds as if he wants to isolate her. You really do need to have a chat with her if you can. He's a walking red flag.

Would he even be able to stay ? Surely that is a security issue ?
He sounds a nightmare, stalkerish behaviour, and her friends think he is weird. Huge alarm bells ringing !
I hope she decides to end it before going away. I don’t think he should be taking her at all, it really is a family thing, a huge landmark for your child. What if she ends it a month later and that day of seeing her off was completely spoiled by him ?
Can you talk to her, and explain that it is normally a family thing to do, not a boyfriend thing. Do you know much about him and his family ? Is he the same age as your dd ?

I can understand your nervousness. My boyfriend drove me down with my mum as my dad was a teacher and had to work. He also used to visit quite a lot/drive me around etc. but this was because I really wanted to see him and spend time with him. He wasn't controlling, it was my choice. Have you spoken to her about whether she wants this and all the visits etc? I think it's important to find out if she does, or whether she is just going along with it because that changes things completely.

It's also possible that by September the whole thing will have petered out and it won't be an issue any more. (Some do last though as we've now been married for 12 years, though I think this is relatively unusual.)

My boyfriend (now husband) drove me, my parents came down separately in their car, and took me grocery shopping of course we all went out for meal.

I'd definitely want to be there to move her in - it is a right of passage after all. But after that play it cool, my money says they will split anyway.

Well we’ve had a rational talk, we are all going down, him in his car, not sure what car she is going in and she has told him not to stay the first first night, he is now going on about coming down the following weekend, I have said I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, best if he gives you a few weeks but I’m not pushing it, will choose carefully what battles to fight.

The first few weeks of university life is when she will make all her friends. If he is hanging around, she won't make any friends at all. They will have him sussed in no time. Not only that, they will resent him staying there and they will be sent her as well. She would have to be crazy to let him stay.

But surely you can see that your situation with your now DH is totally different from what OP is talking about. Apologies to all the pearl clutchers in advance but student sleepovers hook-ups are pretty commonplace, and shock horror, even kick off in Freshers week 😱😂but there's a massive difference as far as the flatmates are concerned between two students at the same uni, who each have their own room/flat, who are known to the university and to the other flatmates etc becoming a couple or even having casual sex, to their new flatmate being so inseparable from her boyfriend (who might as well be a total random as far as they are concerned) that he effectively moves himself in on day 1 or even during freshers week, a time when they're all bonding and navigating new relationships. I don't agree at all with the pp who said that since it's a commited relationship her new flatmates will simply accept her bf as part of the package (as adults would on making a new acquaintance), 18 year olds living away from home for the first time naturally have totally different expectations and at best would probably think she's a bit weird and can't be separated from her bf even for a day, at worst they could feel totally invaded by him and hostile as a result. It's def a bad idea to have him stay ove, help drop boxes maybe but then wave goodbye pronto and leave her to it. Not a bad idea to the scale of ruining her whole uni experience or anything but not a great first footing with her flatmates and to set the tone for the rest of Freshers for sure .

A weekend visit from a 'home' boyfriend a couple of weeks in to the first term, when she knows her flatmates a bit better and they trust her not to bring in a total random or stealth introduce a non paying extra permanent resident, is a totally different kettle of fish and common enough and totally fine providing they're reasonably discreet about it, even if technically against hall rules, in case anyone is worried, although in my and my now adult DC's experience, it was so common as to be a cliche that everyone breaks up with their home b/gf at Christmas after the first term so it generally ceases to be a consideration pretty rapidly! In fact this is probably what the bf is worried about and why he wants to hang around her so much.

OP I get you're worried, but honestly they're just kids, they could so in lurve, together for ever etc right now, break up and get over it by the time she goes to uni. I wouldn't pick a fight with her or him right now, there's no need to hammer out the full finer points of how many cars are being taken and if/where you're staying overnight and when you'll visit her etc until much nearer the time, so personally I'd take an absent minded, 'oh right that's nice dear' attitude to any plans she or he are forming even if they seem mad to you, absolutely do not back her into a corner or give him any excuse to force a 'choose me over them type' scenario. I'd of course be there for her and encourage her to look forward to uni, make independent plans that don't involve the bf, listen if she wants to open up, but otherwise just keep 🤞 she sees sense before the big day!

This is really good. She's asserting boundaries and trying to compromise. With any luck she's going to carry on realising how absolutely stifling he is over the summer and will ditch him