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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

Original poster

Dd off to uni, boyfriend wants to help move her

62 replies

jenkel · 13/06/2023 14:36

Just trying to get a bit of perspective, dd off to uni in September, we have given her a lot of help and support to get there. She has had boyfriend since February, we find him quite difficult, try not to make it obvious and we always make him welcome but he has acted and done a few things that surprises us, hasten to add nothing to hurt dd, we are a supportive close knit family and family occasions are important to us, he barely has anything to do with his family and does not rate family time high on any agenda. Anyway he wants to help move dd into university. It’s also DH’s birthday the weekend she goes too. We kind of think that going off to uni is a bit or a right of passage and we want to be there to make sure she is ok and settled etc. We think of it as a bit of a family time. Obviously we can not stop him going but I have to say I’m not so keen on it, and I think DH would be even less keen. I’m also worried that he is going to be down there every weekend, she is going into halls. Whereas my plan was to actively stay away for a couple of months as she needs to settle in and bond with the people in her halls. So just not quite sure how to handle this one, ultimately I don’t think we have a choice, we don’t want to drive dd away and into his arms. Sometimes I think this age is way more complicated than toddler years.

OP posts:
Angelofthenortheast · 13/06/2023 15:59

I work at a uni. Trust me, you'll feel so much calmer knowing she's got a boyfriend in those first few weeks of freshers.

I do get what you're saying about him being there though, there's always one flat where one girl's bf practically moves in and it makes the other girls resentful that they've got a spare wheel/new freeloading room mate. But for what it's worth, I've met more girls trying to process awful encounters they had in freshers with other boys than I have those who regret having a proper boyfriend in first year.

Gracewithoutend · 13/06/2023 16:00

Surely parents,and boyfriend visiting are very very different things. 😂 Teenagers don't want their parents hanging round, watching what they're doing, taking to their friends. 😂 How embarrassing. But if course they want to be with their boyfriends. Until they don't.

As for making friends, it'll be fine. When I first went off to uni, I had to live at home for the first few term. I still made good friends and had a great social life.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 13/06/2023 16:00

PS parents popping down to see them also generally means meeting them and taking them for lunch rather than anything else, so you are unlikely to stop her from bonding by doing that.

I went to see mine in November and as we're a long way away and I had days off work, I stayed in a hotel for 4 nights. We met every evening for dinner then back she went to campus (probably to get dressed up and go out ) while I toddled off back to the Premier Inn.

Clymene · 13/06/2023 16:16

As grandparents are close by, I'd probably go with 'we're visiting X in November. Do you fancy meeting up for lunch?'

Be available but let her call the shots.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 13/06/2023 16:35

Clymene · 13/06/2023 16:16

As grandparents are close by, I'd probably go with 'we're visiting X in November. Do you fancy meeting up for lunch?'

Be available but let her call the shots.

That's a good idea.

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 16:55

Ok it’s progressed a bit. I was just casually chatting and saying what we would plan to do, either there and back in one day or worst case stay overnight with family to break the long drive, meet her for lunch and then back the next day. I just asked her to warn boyfriend that parking is a nightmare and she said he is planning to stay over with her in the halls.

OP posts:
NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 13/06/2023 17:05

Now that is a bad idea.
A very bad idea.
That first night is VITAL.

My daughter's uni left a huge welcome pack in the kitchen with games and cans of beer and coke to break the ice.

Also worth bearing in mind that whilst occasional visits from guests staying over are rarely not allowed, they are often limited to a couple of nights a month/term.

And, however lovely your daughter is, having her boyfriend staying over the first night has given the rest of her house/floor/landing/corridor the impression that she's flaky, she can't cope without her boyfriend being there, she's not going to socialise with the others etc etc.

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 17:14

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 13/06/2023 17:05

Now that is a bad idea.
A very bad idea.
That first night is VITAL.

My daughter's uni left a huge welcome pack in the kitchen with games and cans of beer and coke to break the ice.

Also worth bearing in mind that whilst occasional visits from guests staying over are rarely not allowed, they are often limited to a couple of nights a month/term.

And, however lovely your daughter is, having her boyfriend staying over the first night has given the rest of her house/floor/landing/corridor the impression that she's flaky, she can't cope without her boyfriend being there, she's not going to socialise with the others etc etc.

Thank you, everything you have said it’s what I’m worried about, do you have to ask permission for people to stay in halls.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 13/06/2023 17:17

I have to agree you really are overthinking everything, they might not even still be together come September / October. I can imagine your daughters departure to uni is on your mind because every week will bring you one step closer to her leaving home. However you cannot control and plan everything now she is a young adult.
As for visiting I never visited mine, tbh they preferred to come home.

Bleepbloopbluurp · 13/06/2023 17:17

jenkel · 13/06/2023 16:55

Ok it’s progressed a bit. I was just casually chatting and saying what we would plan to do, either there and back in one day or worst case stay overnight with family to break the long drive, meet her for lunch and then back the next day. I just asked her to warn boyfriend that parking is a nightmare and she said he is planning to stay over with her in the halls.

Ooh. I'd probably try to gently discourage that. It's up to her, of course, but the first few nights are when people find their tribe. I still have friends who I met in the halls bar/ SU in freshers week 26 years ago! She'll only have that experience once and I suspect will have less of a good time if she's looking after him.

Preps · 13/06/2023 17:20

I have to say the transition from child to adult and the introduction of important relationships outside of family/that compete with family has been by far the hardest part of parenting so far for me.

Of course you should be there too but I don't think BF can be excluded, unless she wants that.

That said when I took DS to to Uni it was very in and out. I wasn't there long at all.

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/06/2023 17:23

jenkel · 13/06/2023 16:55

Ok it’s progressed a bit. I was just casually chatting and saying what we would plan to do, either there and back in one day or worst case stay overnight with family to break the long drive, meet her for lunch and then back the next day. I just asked her to warn boyfriend that parking is a nightmare and she said he is planning to stay over with her in the halls.

Nobody was allowed to stay in my daughters halls. They had security too. No that's not a good idea and I doubt her housemates will appreciate it either!

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 13/06/2023 17:25

jenkel · 13/06/2023 17:14

Thank you, everything you have said it’s what I’m worried about, do you have to ask permission for people to stay in halls.

Show quote history

Some do, some don't. Some lie and don't ask for permission even when they should.

I think she needs to look at that element like this.

Imagine she didn't have a boyfriend. One girl on her floor, on the very first night, has her boyfriend staying. How do the others feel about that? Aside from the not getting to know the others (even though it's one night only) I think they'd all be wtf?

I just asked mine (home after first year) and she said "I'd think the girl wasn't cut out for being at uni if she couldn't even spend the first night without her boyfriend"

NerrSnerr · 13/06/2023 17:32

I really wouldn't give it a second thought until the end of August. They're 18. Life changes quick at that age!

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 17:35

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 13/06/2023 17:25

Some do, some don't. Some lie and don't ask for permission even when they should.

I think she needs to look at that element like this.

Imagine she didn't have a boyfriend. One girl on her floor, on the very first night, has her boyfriend staying. How do the others feel about that? Aside from the not getting to know the others (even though it's one night only) I think they'd all be wtf?

I just asked mine (home after first year) and she said "I'd think the girl wasn't cut out for being at uni if she couldn't even spend the first night without her boyfriend"

Show quote history

Thank you. I have been worried for a while that he is possessive and controlling, every little thing that he does seems to confirm this a little more. It’s not particular her that what’s him to stay it’s what he is saying he wants to do.

Our hope is that she gets to uni and meets some good friends that can offer her a bit clarity.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 13/06/2023 17:40

He can come too. Not an issue. What does your daughter want ?

HerMammy · 13/06/2023 17:40

but he has acted and done a few things that surprises us
Can you elaborate? In the throes of a new romance, too many young women think him always being there means he loves her soo much, not realising it's controlling.

CurlewKate · 13/06/2023 17:43

What does she want?

Whapples · 13/06/2023 17:56

Less likely to help with OPs situation but in case anyone else happens to read this thread and worry that their child having their boyfriend/girlfriend stay at uni could be an issue… me and my boyfriend ended up next to each other in halls (as in same dorm, rooms next door to each other). We had been dating two years and we hadn’t discussed what uni we had put first so we didn’t have much time to get our head round it. No one in the dorm realised we were a couple for over a month, just thought we were friends. It’s been over a decade now and we’re getting married next year. Never made a difference to my uni experience - and yes we spent the first night together! 😂

although our dorm may have been distracted by the person who had their partner stay overnight the first night, the partner then attempted suicide, we had to ring an ambulance and she later found out she was pregnant. So I guess we seemed tame.

if he’s possessive or they have the type of relationship where they may hole up in her room then obviously that’s different but it doesn’t depend on the couple!

Original poster
jenkel · 13/06/2023 17:56

HerMammy · 13/06/2023 17:40

but he has acted and done a few things that surprises us
Can you elaborate? In the throes of a new romance, too many young women think him always being there means he loves her soo much, not realising it's controlling.

Not allowed to drive anywhere even though she has her own car, drops her off and picks her up from her pub job, not all the time but most of the time, 2nd week after meeting her going to her pub for a drink, it’s a foodie/family pub in a very rural location. Doesn’t really want to be involved in any family stuff, invited him to bbqs and stuff and he wants to go out for a drive. Very early in in her relationship I asked her what shifts she was working for the next month and he answered. DD thinks her friends are being a bit unreasonable as they think he’s weird.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 13/06/2023 18:01

Not allowed to drive anywhere even though she has her own car,
not allowed?? what am I reading? she lives at home and he's telling her she's not allowed to drive her own car? Why is she going along with this? This is controlling/coercive behaviour by him!!

Clymene · 13/06/2023 18:03

Oh dear, I cam completely understand your misgivings about this relationship.

Does he work? Is he planning on going to uni?

jannier · 13/06/2023 18:05

You obviously go but take him too or it drives her away.

Landndialamrhf · 13/06/2023 18:09

So he’s said what he wants
and you and dh have decided what you want

anyone asking DD?

ejbaxa · 13/06/2023 18:15

It's completely inappropriate for him to stay the first night. It will prevent her from meeting people in the same situation as her. He will stand massively out - if they are all freshers in part of the hall and he's not at the uni, people will just wonder WTF he is doing.

I imagine permission need/lack of will vary by uni and by hall. I would try to find out from her specific hall.

He sounds very controlling. It's best if you don't tell her that, you let her flourish at uni and she breaks up with him naturally. But, he must not impact on her first night/week/even fortnight there. Completely inappropriate.