How can I best help DD who is completely overwhelmed?

[OverInvestedMum]

Sorry if this is long.

DD is about to go into year 13. She is finding the whole UCAS / post 18 options overwhelming and is basically shutting down and not engaging.

I've said I'm happy to help with looking at things with her but her not doing anything when she finishes A levels is not an option. We had a heart to heart (with tears) and she admits that she will leave decisions to the last possible moment because she can't cope otherwise.

She agreed that if I gave her bite sized chunks of actions that might help.

She thinks she has an idea of a degree subject she wants to do (great!) I've given her 'homework' to look at different unis and courses so that she can choose some open days that I would accompany her to.

She's not done this despite me nagging. The 1st potential open days day are 10th September. She needs to book holiday from her part time job, I don't think she has.

Please can anyone who's been in a similar position advise what I can do for the best? Do I just leave her to it, not nag any more but make sure I'm available if she asks? I'm also wondering if she would benefit from some independent counselling or similar? Thanks.

Why isn't not doing something after A Levels an option?

Could she pick up full time hours at her job and make it a gap year?

She sounds like a procrastinator.

Op, I would urge you to try to support her in what’s best for her, if she is struggling at this stage do you believe she is ready for university? It’s very different to school and if she can’t make it to open days etc then there maybe a huge chance she’s not going to make it at uni.

id consider a year out, take the pressure off, as I don’t think it’s about spoon feeding her into applications, it’s about actually doing a degree.

what do you mean doing nothing is not an option, are you potentially rail roading her? Think about that carefully, a year out, her job, might take the pressure off.

My dd was a little bit like this, turns out she didn't want the change of moving and leaving home. She's going to our local uni, never went to any open days or anything. Could it be that, fear of the unknown, not ready to fly the nest?

Surely it would be better to take a year out and have time to decide without the additional pressure of exams.

As others have said, a year working would build up some cash too.

This is what I picked up on to. That and a young woman who clearly doesn’t wish to do what’s being asked

The worst possible thing she could do is go to university just for the sake of it, or because it's expected!

When she finds something she genuinely wants to do a little further down the line, she won't be able to get funding- and she either won't engage with it well or will leave anyway.

OP - if I were you, I'd post on the Higher Education board where hopefully you'll get more supportive and practical help than you've had here so far.

I can totally understand how children can feel overwhelmed by the challenges of Yr13.

Best of luck.

Sorry it’s so tough for her and for you at the moment.

We always assumed DS1 would go to Uni and felt a bit frustrated when he required a lot of support, aka nagging, to complete his UCAS application, choose unis to go and see. It became clear he wasn’t really sure about going. He has a lot of concern over the amount of debt. He has just finished year 13 and although he has a Uni place that he has applied to defer for now, I’m not sure he will ever go. He has got himself a full time job and is working hard - I guess we’ll see.

In my experience, there is a lot of pressure on them during A levels. It doesn’t make much sense to me to add the pressure of Uni applications. I agree with the OPs who are suggesting a year out. If she applies then she will know where she is much more quickly as she’ll already have her results. Definitely worth considering. Good luck.

Oh dear
I would back of completely
Be there to listen and support,but stop pushing her
if she wants a bit of time out after her A levels what is wrong with that
Better than going on to Uni when she is not ready

DD was like this, largely because school were pressuring her into taking this route. We sat down with her and asked what she wanted to do. She didn't really know, so we told her to forget anything but concentrating on her A levels. It didn't matter if she didn't go to university the following year, or ever. Once she got her A levels she could make her choice.
She took a gap year, and is now excited to go to university next month.
She just needed time. I think that's what you should give your DD.

There’s no point going to uni for the sake of it/before you’re ready/because someone else tells you to. A year out sounds just the tickets to help her get some focus/motivation/life experience/confidence. She sounds exactly like I was and I turned out brilliantly.

Ask her if she needs a gap year. It can really help. She gets work experience, money in the bank, a bit of time to think more about what she wants to do.

Take the pressure off her and reassure her that there is plenty of time. No one has to jump straightf rom school into uni. There is a massive value in waiting and discovering what really interests you - or if you even want to go at all. No point in getting a hige debt to turn up in a town you don't know to study a subject you don't really care about. In a year's time she might have a far clearer picture. Or she might enjoy working and decide uni is not for her.

If she chooses a gao year, I'd help her sit down and make a list of one or two big achievements she'd like to do during the gap year (e.g passing driving test) and one or two adventures and bucket list style things (like saving up for and going on a really interesting holiday or applying for voluntary work overseas).

Thanks for your helpful responses.

I asked if she wanted to do her job full time - she said absolutely not.

I then asked about a gap year, but she's worried that her friends will have moved on, and again doesn't know what to do.

I suggested local uni and she can commute (will be a pain but is possible). Again I got a shrug.

Do you think it's ok not to have anything planned for after a levels? Genuine question. She's definitely scared of change and I don't know how best to help. I can say that she doesn't need to decide now if you think it will help but I'm concerned she'll regret procrastinating in the future? And I as much as I love her I don't want her at home full time until she's 45

@OverInvestedMum but right now she's 17/18 and very overwhelmed not 42 having lived with you all her life.

You need to support her, help her gain confidence not add more stress to her.

What A levels is she doing? Art foundation was a welcome breathing space as well as useful and fascinating in its own right for lots of my dcs peers. It’s free, local authority funded, most live at home for it.

Give her time, not options. Loads of DD's friends ended up taking gap years, deferring their university, so they won't have moved on.

Let her get her A levels done, then she can give some thought about what's next.

45 is more than double her age OP 😄 a lot can change and become clear in a year or2.

It doesn't sound like she is ready or wants to go to uni. Can you look at other options too?

My brother was pushed into uni because 'doing nothing wasn't an option'. He was very like your daughter and procrastinated because he felt overwhelmed and also had the fear that he would be left behind by his friends. My parents basically did the application process for him and he did go, but dropped out in the first year. Turned out that the procrastination continued once he was there and he felt too overwhelmed to actually do any work or go to all his classes, and without my mother spoon feeding him it just fell apart.

He took a year and worked in a bar while he thought about it, and then joined the police! It was the best thing ever for him and now he's quite senior, he has a much 'better' (financially and status-wise) job than I have and I went to uni for five years and got two very good degrees.

Give her time but also realise that she's an adult, nearly, and the decision and effort needs to come from her. Waiting a year will make sod all difference in her whole life and also doesn't mean she will be living at home and doing a part time job in her 40s!

She's doesn't want to do that job full time? So she gets a different one. My rule would be that if she stays at home she works or studies full time and that's that. Everything else is up to her.

My mum and my school pushed and pushed. I applied, but wasn't sure about it.
In the end, the only way I could see out of the situation was to flunk my exams, which is exactly what I did, on purpose, so there was no question of being made to go.

The story has a happy ending as the following year I was in a better place, knew what I wanted and did retakes and reapplied elsewhere for a different subject. So I did go, but a year later and on my own terms.

Let her make her own decisions in her own time. Pushing someone to go to university against their wishes is a recipe for mental breakdown. However, an expectation for getting a part time job during a year out of education is fine (but she'll want to do that otherwise she'll have no money to do any of the fun bits of the year out).

Firstly, did you or your Dh go to uni? We were in the area visiting friends and took our children on a tour of Dh's old uni when the children were about 15 and 12. They had heard us both talk about our unis but had no idea in reality what that looked like. Having not visited any unis over summer or even the towns this could be such a foreign concept to your DD.

Ds wanted us involved, he wanted a sounding board. However, he did know what he wanted to do at uni so that was easier. We sat together, me, Dh and Ds and googled best university for and then his course. This brought up a league table list. We looked at all the unis available, found them on a map so he could see logistically where that was. We looked at their entry grade requirements. Maybe you could sit with your DD and do the same. Start the process.

She doesn't have to go to uni next year, she can apply and defer or just reject the place even after results day. It might be good to just go through the process as sixth form will support her too. At Ds's sixth form they divide the students into ready for work or uni and support them through their choices.

My 2nd DD was like this as of course her last couple of years of High School were in a lockdown. I thought she should take a year out but she insisted on going to uni. She ended up crashing and burning in he 1st semester coming home in November, getting anti-anxiety meds and working for the year. She is much happier.

This weekend she is having 8 hrs of testing (we are in the USA) to check for any learning/neuro issues as she wanted to be tested for ADHD. Apparently many of her friends at uni and high school (including one of her best friends who has ADHD) thinks she may have it.

Who knows? But we are just checking to make sure nothing was missed. Her uni here said she could return whenever she was ready so she going back next month.

She also went to our local University which is one of the best in the country, but it meant she was living only 30 minutes away. It has turned out to be a really good thing because she really needed our support.

There are always other options - that's an important message for a young person and especially one who is struggling.

It sounds like she needs to address her mental health issues first. University could make everything much worse -

Everything @mistermagpie says.

I didn't fill out my UCAS form in Y13 either. I didn't know what I wanted to study, I didn't know where I wanted to go, it all felt like too much, but I also hadn't planned to take a gap year. I remember my DM getting cross with me and telling me that doing nothing wasn't an option. It really didn't help though, because when you don't know what you want to do and everyone is telling you 'Your whole life depends on this choice', it's really overwhelming.

In the end, I did my A levels, got my grades and applied after that. Having left school I had more time to go and look at unis and I was a year older and more mature (much needed). I worked for a few months, then got a job abroad for six months, travelled for a month and then headed off to uni. My year out, despite initially being unplanned, was one of the most formative experiences of my life and made me realise that I'm good at languages and have a good ear (something I'd never realised at school). I also gained hugely in confidence and self reliance, having headed off to a country I'd only been to once before, lived there, learned the language, worked and supported myself.

There are other options aside from filling out that UCAS form right now - ones that just might be a better fit for your DD.