Class of '18 now in 2019. blimey.

[OhYouBadBadKitten]

hang on....

MsAwesomeDragon It's good that she has been able to talk to the Wellbeing Team (and to you). Hopefully she'll feel able to see the GP soon.

Sorry to hear that MrsAD. DD's flat mate with MH health problems has at last agreed to go to University Mental Health drop in after dd and the other two girls sat her down and pleaded with her to seek help. DD is going with her after her lecture this morning.

I presume that admitting the problem exists is the first step so hope that both she and your dd start on the road to recovery.

It must be so worrying for you. [hugs]

I am sorry to hear this MrsAD. It is so worrying trying to deal with problems at a distance. It is good that you are going to visit as it is usually easier to deal face to face.
In my experience the well-being team can usually liaise with the department so that the student doesn't fall too far behind with their studies or can defer assessments etc.

I really did feel like your dd in the second term of 2nd year (! not till then) an I would have never thought to mention it to my mum (I was completely independent and never really expected to phone her up or talk to her about my emotional life), or even contact any tutors. It never even occurred to me to talk a gp or let them know why I couldn't attend lectures. It is so so hard because I think you are wired by that stage to think it is your job as a functioning adult child is to break free and sort your own life out (badly) But I suspect just you being there in person will make an enormous difference and break that particular spell.. I think what would have helped me would have been someone listening to what I was upset about or worried about, validate calmly that I felt that way, whilst offering alternative ways to deal with it, than those ways I was dealing with it (avoidance, retreat, completely clamming up)

And someone suggesting to me that I could do a bit, but not everything would have helped too. There is always a solution, it is just that when you are in the middle of the workload there doesn't seem to be any bendy boundaries, but there will be, if you can talk to her tutor.

I think when I did eventually speak to my mum she arranged a lovely outing for me to visit someone she knew, so it wasnt uni stuff but nearby. I went on the bus to this strange place, had lunch there with people I didn;t know at all, and felt a 1000 times better away from the whole uni world, just for a bit. then by March I think I was back on track again and enjoying life again.

My mum didn't actually visit me or sort anything out, but I wish I had been more forthcoming, now it seems like a big mistake that I didnt ask for more help generally - I think you convince yourself at that age that not telling your parents important things is "resilience". My mum sometimes got things entirely wrong, in the sense that her advice was usually geared towards an era when student life was entirely different (why are you cooking surely you get taken out to dinner?) and she had not the same personality or talents/vices as me. But I'm sure the more I had communicated with her, the more helpful she might have become, and less critical/misplaced in her suggestions...It is a bit of a vicious circle, if you say the "wrong" thing, they just tend to clam up and not speak to you, even when the wrong thing seems blindingly obviously "right" as a parent.

Today I have been trying to persuade ds1 to enrol on a Lamda course which is 8 weeks long in the summer, non residential Shakespearean acting. It has brought all my worst demons out. I want to help him, I'm sure he'll refuse, but offer no alternative summer suggestions and will spend most of thesummer neither working nor trvelling nor socialising. I know he will absolutely love it as he loves Shakespeare and he loves structure, but I know I am going to say the wrong thing

Hopefully the following will be an encouragement to MrsAD and others with young people who are struggling:

DS1 is doing OK!

Mental health: he is on new medication which is not perfect but does seem to be working. He has attended nearly all his lectures this term and is socialising too. He travelled to a neighbouring city last weekend to visit a friend and go to a gig.

Physical health: stable at the moment and results of most recent tests were good.

He still gets tired easily, but seems to be coping much better than last term (when I was actually a bit concerned about him).

That's such good news First :) I'm really pleased to hear it.

Poor dd. I accidentally phoned her when hanging up on someone else. It must have startled her as she dropped her phone on the floor. The screen is all smashed and on valentine's day.

She went off to a hastily googled phone repair shop and they want £140 to fix it cos it's pretty new. I'm confident we can claim it on our insurance though. But it's going to take up to 5 working days. So I've had an impromptu trip up to the post office to send her my old phone.

I'd planned a lovely time in the garden too. /sigh.

I'm sorry I shouldn't laugh but how different our children are! The thought of your DD being so surprised by a phone call that she accidentally dropped her phone warms my cold dark soul.

I have my old phone which DD used temporarily when hers was out of action and it has her FB and her 'other' instagram account on it. My eyes

Good to know your DS is doing well First.

Do we ever stop worrying about them?

well, apart from bursts of interference I feel I have stopped thinking about ds1...touch wood.
you can train yourself as long as you don't see them too frequently...

I sent ds a text today about the Lambda and he hasn't replied (which is quite normal for him, he is often not "available" and I don't text him that often). My mind accepts that he hasn't replied but my heart begins to think, in its erratic way, is he alright, has he woken up this morning? If I hadn't texted him I would probably not be worrying at all.

I'm trying to get my head round the fact that if he does sign up to the Lambda he would be alone in this house for days on end (if the rest o f the family decamps), even if he sees people in the day on the course, and would he burn the house down, be lonely, go to pieces.?.Not normal for the mother of a soon to be 19 year old. If he stayed in uni town for 8 weeks I don't think I'd worry at all, WHAT he was doing, as long as I didn't have any control over it.

I remember someone telling me she went to China as an 18 year old (in 1980's), with her then boyfriend. Round the whole of China freelance or something similar, quite often getting into tricky scrapes with border checks etc. She returns to London and tries to leave a family dinner and go home on the bus, cue her mum saying on phone to call a taxi..."much too dangerous to go home by yourself on public transport". But I now understand why the mum felt like that. In China she couldn't control anything, in London she could do something. It is a relief when you can do something but then how far do you go?.

Thanks for the support everyone. DD has changed her mind, she doesn't want me to go tomorrow. But she is willing to come home Sunday morning and go back Monday evening before a test on Tuesday.

Apparently she went to her first CBT session today, but it isn't going to work because she clammed up and just cried because she couldn't engage at all. She's got a test tomorrow, but her plan of learning as much as possible today for that went haywire as she "had a breakdown instead". I can't even phone her as she doesn't cope well with phone calls, I'm trying to sort all of this over messenger!

MsAD I feel for you and for others who are worrying at a distance.

My heart sinks when I hear my phone going pingpingping because it means that something has gone wrong and he wants to offload. The days where I don't hear from him at all I know that everything is going ok. All his communication is by messenger until I reach the stage of being done with it and sending the instruction "call me" (in caps because I'm like that).

I'm sorry I shouldn't laugh but how different our children are! The thought of your DD being so surprised by a phone call that she accidentally dropped her phone warms my cold dark soul.
I've got a case of the silly giggles now!

MrsAD reading your post bought me back down wth a bump.
Can you just turn up, does she have a plan for tomorrow evening?

MrsAD forget all my pyschobabble about China etc,

I think you should just go down asap. She may be at that stage where she thinks she is responsible for sorting every thing out but sending you coded messages which are Help Me, like telling you about the failed CBT. [It is actually quite normal to find CBT overwhelming and unhelpful at first, its like yoga, in that not everyone can manage to find it calming, and it just winds you up to start with) Even if you arrive and she goes oh silly me I'm fine, well that is nothing to be ashamed of, and you know you wouldn't grudge a moment of wasted time in this situation. Maybe she just needs you to be physically there calming her down, and de escalating even if it is for a very very short time.

She's going to archery training tomorrow afternoon, and is hoping to spend the evening with some archery friends. Then she's got some reenactment thing on Saturday. So I'll go and get her on Sunday morning, and will only take her back once she's had a good night's sleep at home and I've fed her some good meals.

Nettles thanks for your perspective as the anxious student. I AM glad that she's actually talking to me, and letting me know she's got issues, but it's really, really difficult to know how to help, especially as it's all done over messenger. I know she'll get through it, but it doesn't stop me worrying about her now.

The stupid thing is, I had anxiety as a student as well, which she knows, she was there (although too young to remember it clearly). I didn't stop going to lectures, mine manifested as a physical issue, I needed the toilet ALL the time! I would arrive at lectures late because I'd been to the loo, then have to leave in the middle to go again, then I'd be desperate again by the end. I couldn't get the bus to/from uni because it was too far without a toilet, so I would get the train even though it was more expensive and took longer, but it had a toilet on board. I didn't tell my parents about it, or speak to anyone at uni, but did manage to see the GP, who said "it's clearly not a physical problem" then prescribed something for a bladder issue that he and I both knew wasn't the problem . I would have done much better with some sort of anxiety medication or therapy instead. Which is what DD needs to help her through this blip, so she can engage with the CBT/talking therapy and make a recovery. I'm hoping I can persuade her to let me phone the GP while she's at home. If we can get her an appointment next week I can even go with her if she needs me to.

It sounds like there's a good plan in place. that's good :)

I had some problems due to a very unpleasant incident when I was a student and missed a lot of lectures one term. It was very difficult, but I did come through it.

So sorry to hear about your DD MsAwesomeDragon. It must be such a worry for you. I know from experience that horrible anxiety prevents you from seeking help. I agree that going up to visit her would be a good idea

Thinking of you MrsAD, and your DD. Like others have said, thank goodness she's managed to start talking to you about it now.
It must be so difficult being so far and not knowing how best to help. You know her though, better than anyone (probably better than she knows herself) so go with your instincts.

First so glad to hear good news about your DS - sounds like he's doing really well.

Finally half term here, and I'm on countdown now to Tuesday when I'll see DD

DD is home. She is in much better spirits than I thought she would be. She also knows what the trigger has been for the anxiety, it's the language seminars. She had to choose a minor subject as part of first year, which won't count towards the degree at all, but she has to pass it on order to pass first year. So she chose a language, having enjoyed languages at GCSE. What she didn't realise was that they would be taught in seminars where there are only a dozen people in the room and everybody has to talk to each other in the target language. This is, and has always been, incredibly difficult for DD, and this is the stress that is causing the anxiety. She is currently learning (can't be called revising as she didn't go to the lectures where this stuff was taught) as much as she can for a computing test on Tuesday. I've recommended going to computing lectures if she can and ignoring the language ones for now, until she's managed some therapy.

I am glad she is home and you have got to the bottom of it. If she really can't cope with the language seminars, there may well be a way round it.
For example ds can't cope with group projects and is allowed to do them as individual work.
It is worth contacting welfare services and her personal tutor about it.

I know that in Scottish universities students have to study other subjects in the first two years. Does this happen in English universities as well?

I assume your DD is at a Scottish university MsAD?

DD's BF had to study Latin. He hated it so much he skipped seminars and lectures and walked out of the exam after an hour. He failed it of course. However, he is now taking 2 extra modules to make up for it.

MrsAD that's good that she has managed to pinpoint the source of the anxiety. I'm glad to hear that she is doing OK.

That's a relief MrsAD. I bet there is a way round it.

It's an English uni, but there are a lot of courses where you do a certain number of credits in your main subject, then choose an extra module from another subject to take you up to the right number of credits for the year.

She seems stuck on "they only let you change modules in the first couple of weeks, but I didn't know I couldn't cope with it within the first 2 weeks". She knows she's not going to be able to do the speaking parts of the assessments, at all, ever. I want to speak to someone at the uni about it, but she is still asking me not to. I know there will be something they can do to help, but need to speak to them to find out what. Ideally she'd be allowed to switch to doing a different module which is entirely assessed be exams, which don't stress her out, that she could self study to catch up. "Maths for computing" would be ideal, as that plays to her strengths, she could self study during the Easter holidays when she's at home, etc. But anything where she can catch up without needing to talk in seminars would do. Or even sticking with the language and watching a recording of the seminars so she can keep up with the content without having to actually go to them, and then scrapping the oral exam and just trying to scrape enough marks on the reading, writing and listening exams to scrape a pass.