Year 12 #1 - GCSEs are sooo last year!

[bpisok]

New thread to see us through to Christmas?

Well done Jufus daughter.

Whistl I'm just amazed that you were being shown around the school. I would be forced to walk 10 paces behind DD, in & out as quickly as possible and specifically asked not to smile or talk to anyone!

Thanks, eaglefly and Oratory1. I've been bursting to tell someone!

Stickerrocks - yes, that was the other miracle! The girl was with her mum though, and most of the DC were with parents, so it wasn't just DS1. I get your pint though: had it been DS2, he'd have shrivelled with embarrassment.

Dd has been on the phone in tears to dh this morning. We've got to the bottom of why her friend is avoiding her. She's doing it for the sake of her own mental health as she thinks dd plays the victim card all the time. I wonder if the others are feeling the same about her.

OH AH poor DD. Your poor DD is having to deal with so many issues at the moment and it hurts so much to be abandoned by someone you thought you could talk to and rely on.

What is the pastoral support like at the school? Can you speak to someone and explain that your DD needs help and is struggling? What about her host family? It must be so difficult for you encouraging DD to grab the opportunity she has to use her undoubted talent, whilst not being on hand to give her the cuddle she needs exactly when she needs it. I do feel for you all.

I guess she just needs to learnm not to let thinkgs affect her. Her asd means she doesn't pick up on other's feelings. Also her niggling injuries have affected her confidence. Everyone there is very talented and everyone is very single minded about their goals.

AlexanderHamilton I'm really sorry. Seeing your DC upset like this is awful.

Do you think the friend may have a point? I'm surprised because I had the impression that your Dd has everything going for her: attractive, intelligent, talented, accomplished.

Is the friend's complaint something your DD can work on? If it is, then it may be a blessing in disguise, because as hard as it is to hear, it is so much better to know what the problem is and be able to fix it than just be left not know why and be filled with self-doubts.

She doesn't have good social skills. Her friend has had her own issues to contend with and dd doesn't always pick up on others feelings. She has a tendency to talk at you rather than to you if you see what I mean.

And you have to admit, its been one heck of a year. If I wrote down everything that has happened and put it into an opening post of a thread everyone would say I don't beleive you.

AH We've been with you for the past 15 months or so and you have had so much to contend with.

1. DD needs to step back from her BF can give her the space that she needs, whilst maintaining the day to day chit chat about what's happening on TV/ in class etc. This is difficult as teenage friendships do tend to be all-absorbing and they're not used to the trivial social chatter that drives adult relationships.

2. Reassure her that it's not DD causing the problem, but that BF has her own issues to deal with. Keep reminding her of this.

3. Talk to her about different ways of communicating, give her clues on the body language people use and give her lots of praise when she has picked things up. I don't mean to make it sound as though you should treat her like a toddler, but I tend to ask DD whether she can think of better ways of approaching things or what she would have done differently if she was in the same situation again.

4. Give her the huge hug we are all sending her as soon as you see her again!

I will see her very briefly tomorrow as my parents are taking her to the airport.

The consolation is that she loves her host family and whenever we say to her do you want to come back home she is adamant she does not.

She is going to have such a great trip. Encourage her to keep talking to people and not bottle things up & remind her how well she is doing and how everyone has wobbles under the circumstances.

Feel for you AH but I think Sticker is spot on. Are there good pastoral staff at school she or you can talk too as the sort of comments you mention plus isolation, temporary or otherwise, are so common I'm sure they will have dealt with it many times before. With two older DDs I know teen girls can be very wrapped up in their own issues which makes them sometimes hurtful to others, and I know boarding exaggerates everything (both the good and the bad) and I'm sure a competitive specialist environment must too.

I wonder too if there could be some jealousy involved either jealousy of the things she has going for her, or even due to the attention she may be getting for the rough things she has had to go through - neither would be great but not uncommon.

Jufus well done your DD I reckon one of those trophies should be awarded to you for gluing on all those sequins.

whilst when I read what you wrote about your DS, I thought it my be a potential love interest..........great he's settled right in though.

AH your family has certainly had the year from hell, hopefully some time away for your DD on her trip might give some much needed space for her and her friend.

I spoke to her tonight. She’s ok and still adamant she loves the course. It’s things like at lunchtime there is no room for her to sit with anyone so she sits alone that get to her.

She’s not the easiest person socially but she has such a good heart.

DD went through a phase of grabbing lunch & leaving to go elsewhere when it got too painful being alone.

That will probably be ok when the weather is nicer and she can go outside but there isn’t really anywhere else they can go to eat until 3rd year when they are allowed in the coffee bar in another building.

It would be social suicide to downstairs with Lower School!

So having a bit of nightmare in real life at the moment and to top it off DS has had a meltdown and I don't want to ignore it but also feel that it was in response to being told off for doing something he shouldn't and being overtired.

Misses his friends who all went off to a different 6th Form while he stayed on to school 6th Form and now says he hates it! (First time he has said this since they went). He has a VERY active social life.

He has already dropped down to 3 A levels from 4 and having been very enthusiastic about his EPQ subject now says he doesn't want to do one.

Moaned about doing stuff for Oxford application, told him that it was him that wanted to apply and I was perfectly ok with him not applying if he doesn't want to and just to look at others (but then he backtracked on this and said he does want to try). Had the usual but X's mum doesn't do this or make them do that etc.

Mindful that it may just be over tiredness and backlash to be told off but also don't want to minimise his feelings if there is some real problem there. Argh! What should I do wise mn family?

*being told off!

Gosh, I don't know. It sounds a bit simjilar to what I am getting with Year 10 ds (x's mumj doesn;tmake him study at all during half term, why do I have to sort my bag/books out each day etc). I am trying to put in place a suggestion I was given about having a crate for schoolbooks that ds puts his stuff into each night but he lied about doing it.

Was his half term last week or the week before? This term does seem to be quite an arduous one and I always feel a mood shift when the clocks go back and the nights get longer.

Incidentally I was only thinking about you this morning. Your name reference has obviously passed me by but on the way to school this morning ds was imitating a TV show character saying Shalom Jackie.

My advice is the same instinct that I've had for the last sixteen years: if a child tells you that there is a problem, then don't ignore it. Even if he only wants attention (which is highly unlikely for a 16 year old!), then its still a need and you need to respond.

To me it sounds like your DS is slightly depressed. Maybe not clinically depressed but feeling the world shifting under his feet and not able to control what is happening to him (losing certain friends from his day to day life , losing his free time, maybe losing his status as the clever one in a mixed ability cohort? etc). i think the way to help him is what CBT would do: just help him teach himself to identify what is making him uncomfortable and then rationalise it inside his head.

I think most of get the "but other mums don't make their Dc do x,y,z". I used to respond to that by giving my DC the choice (with associated consequences) but nowadays I just ask them to identify their own options and decide for themselves which path in life they want to take, adding that I will love and support them always and whatever they choose. Usually when they feel like they have a choice again, they make a sensible decision.

DS1 has started to try to blame me for the things he ought to do but doesn't want to. He says I will nag him if he doesn't, so he might as well just get on with it. I never let him get away with saying that (because I think if he comes to believe it, it will sour our relationship). So, i always rebut it, no matter how boring it is to keep repeating myself.

Sixth from can be a big change, not just in terms of different people and different lessons bit of a realisation that things are now their choice. They chose the school, they chose the subjects and they are now being asked to choose future path very early on in their sixth form life. Whilst exciting, I think some DC might be finding this a bit scary and overwhelming once the novelty and initial excitement wore off. Some will react by being stressed and anxious or fall outs with friends whilst others like my DD and possibly your DS withdraw a bit and pull away from things. I'm not sure what to suggest other then reassurance and, like Whistl says, make sure they feel they are still in control but supported.

Or could it be that he feels he is on a path for high achievement and all that entails and can't get off - do you need to make sure that is really the path that he wants. Up to now most of our DC have just followed that path without question but soon they will have to decide whether they want that or a different path.

Or could just be simply tired and missing his mates !

I agree with Oratory above. Perhaps he is questioning his future path and feels a bit discombobulated...

I guess it's all part of growing up.

As a child we reminded them to do things, nagged them when they didn't and now they are at a stage where they feel like they shouldn't be told what to do and when to do it.

.....we can't lead them forever it's just a matter of whether they can be trusted or not 😀

I went through this with DD much earlier (13ish) and I took the gamble to leave her to it. We had a few 'interesting' months where everything fell apart (forgot homework, bus pass pass, lost keys etc) and then she got her act together. Cause and effect....works wonders. Don't put washing in wash basket=no clean clothes. Don't make your bed=cat sleeping in it. Leave plates in bedroom=no plates upstairs. Don't do homework=detention. Don't revise=failing.

I haven't even been in her bedroom for 3 years!