Year 12 #1 - GCSEs are sooo last year!

[bpisok]

New thread to see us through to Christmas?

Go with the duvet day for your ds whistl and call him in sick (and he must not do any work on that day but must completely unwind). He does need some down time by the sound of it. One day off sick will not compromise his studies but it might give him the R&R he needs

I know he is younger (Year 10) but ds's school sent him home last week becasue they said he needed to sleep.

Agree duvet day. And just dropping one enrichment activity might give him one free hour a week which might be all he needs.

Oratory, I agree about the benefits of dropping even one enrichment activity, but given that they give detentions for not going to them, I don't think they'll agree.
What concerns me more is that DS is dropping grades (because he's overworked, I think) and the school's response is likely to be to give him extra work.

Just a thought is it worth him speaking to LS dept. I know his spld probably doesn’t impact his academic work any more but they may be a source of suppport/understanding.Ds doesn’t have ls lessons any more but often speaks to the ls teacher - sometiimes to fight his corner sometimes just for moral support. I think as they go up the school dc often go to other favoyrite subject teachers or non curricular contacts for support and advice - doesn’t have to be their named tutor. I know it’s harder when he probably doesn’t know them well but equally someone else may know the school system better and help him work out what’s really non negotiable and what can be flexed. Things he and his tutor thought were compulsory for all may not actually be with the right arguments.

But duvet day may help him think more clearly

Ds has helpfully learnt that whist detentions will be handed out for not turning up or not completing work, if you get in first with a polite and well reasoned argument it can be well recurved

Received.

I think whistls DS transferred INTO a school that has a similar ethos to an Inde - it's just a massive shock how much extra curricular eats into your time and how much is expected of you. My niece goes to a similar school as Whistls son's and it's also the same. We read about all the great opportunities Indes have but it all takes time out of their days, and the school work is hard enough as it is.

He def needs a rest at Xmas to recover and if he still feels the same then he should consider talking to someone at school. The problem is that if everyone else is coping they might not be receptive. The fact that there are Spld probably isn't of too much interest to them either if they have transferred in (they will assume that you knew what you were letting yourselves in for - especially if they made a big sell of extra curricular and high expectations). If anything 15 hours homework a week seems light for 3.5 A Levels. That's only 2 hours a day and he should be able to cram a bit in on his commute. DD does the reading aspect of her work on the commute and then the writing at home.

On a positive note, Xmas Y13 they tend to drop all extra curricular and focus only on A Levels.

Sorry if this is coming across as uncaring but I think your DH is probably right about toughening up although it's horrific when you see them struggling and unhappy. School will be completely over in 18 months, or that's what DD tells herself.

The commute is usually standing up, so not good for homework.

And you are right, DH and I did know that there is a lot of extra curricular. I thought (and still think) it is a good thing. I just over-estimated how well DS would adapt. He has never been good at change, so i don't know why I thought he'd be fine, but I did.
The grades have come as a shock.

In some ways, it is good that this has become obvious now, rather in the first term at university. We need to get him stable and then back on track and finally resilient enough for university and working life. TBH I don't know how.

Sadly you may be right but school shouldn’t be about collecting the maximum grades and the most extr curricular credit points. Those dc that cope best in uni or whatever they go into next will surely be those who have used a supportive environment in sixth form to stretch themselves but also find out about their strengths and weaknesses, how they work best, what they’re limits are, when they need help and how to get it.

I would speak to the school or get him to speak to ls but perhaps using the approach that you love what the school is doing but he needs some adjustment to recover/build back up to what they expect

DS’s school had a day off on Monday ( for some bizarre historical reason...) and it has made a huge difference to his recovery after a week of performances/concerts/essay deadlines.

Oratory - you are right. School shouldn't be only about collecting exam results and building a CV but that's what some schools are all about.
It's the main thrust of academic indes and grammar schools. Some DC thrive on it and are thoroughly absorbed in all the school has to offer. Some don't but push themselves through
There's lots in the newspapers about MH issues in these types of schools....but resilience is key.
If it's the same as the schools I know everyone is absolutely knackered. They are all on count-down to the Xmas break and will all sleep for a week (even my 6 hour a night daughter will probably sleep for 12 hours for the first few days).
Whistl- I think what your son is going through is perfectly normal. There's only a week or so left....just keep reminding him that sleep is on the near horizon!!!

"The problem is that if everyone else is coping they might not be receptive"

The thing is bpisok are they outwardly coping but inwardly cracking up from the pressure? We kept getting told that young people's mental health is suffering. I don't think I could cope with a work (and commute) schedule which starts before 7 and doesn't end until 21.00 most evenings, with additional work to do at weekends.

Cross posts

You are right bpisok but I sense the tide turning a bit with the best and most in demand schools (and parents) realising they need to provide dc with the tools to help them thrive and succeed in their lives not just the certificates to open the door. DS school v low down in league tables and historically struggling for numbers (eyebrows were raised locally when we sent our v bright dd1 there 8 years ago) but which focuses very much on behaviours and values, (teamwork, leadership, service, kindness) is now full and very much in demand. Perhaps the realisation that unis pay no interest in a random list of extra curricular collected just to put on the cv/ps is helping too. Extra curricular is only useful for genuine enjoyment and/or what ds gain/learn from it. That’s what needs to go on the ps.

But you are also right in that all dc are different and yes some thrive in more pressured environments - and I guess will go on to high pressured careers

Oratory- you are spot on. The high pressure environment of these types of schools can be detrimental to DCs MH and the pressure can be ludicrous. Unfortunately our DC will be competing for university places and then jobs with DC who have been through these types of environments and come out the other side. So what do you do?
At school they are taught that it's character building (even low level bullying is thought of in this way) and I guess it is character building. Most of the extra curricular at DDs school def adds to their skill sets in terms of leadership, organisation, team work, responsibility, giving something back to society and being part of the overall school community - so it's not all about being able to write something on your PS, they are life skills. It's the same where I work - at (thankfully rare) points we end up pulling all nighters and still struggle through the next day. We also fly overnight and then go straight into 10 hour meetings, fly back overnight have a shower and then go straight into the office. It's just the way it is these days. Doesn't make it right but it is reality.
Without grit they will really struggle if they want to go into certain careers (lawyer, doctors, engineers, politicians, advertising, tv etc). At 17 years old they probably have far more energy than me in my 50s, but their days of getting home at 4.30 watching a bit of tv/playing the PlayStation and doing a couple of hours under parental supervision have probably gone. How on earth will they cope at Uni in a couple of years time if they rely on us to sort it out for them?
But like I say, it doesn't make it right but it is def the way it is.

I think the problem comes when pressure is put on every child to achieve at the highest level they can. Some children are natural high flyers, some thrive on hard work and long hours and will be high flyers through hard slog. But a lot are neither of these and need to find their level and their own path and not be expected to push themselves or be pushed in the same way. They still have a contribution to make to this world.

Absolutely Oratory, I totally agree. It's not for everyone. It's not for everyone at these schools either and the MH impacts can be appalling.

But it's what you get in the majority of grammar schools and selective indes. It's what you sign up to.

A mid stress life, with a mid level salary and a happy home life is what I personally think should be the goal, but when you have been in one of these schools it fosters drive, competition and ambition and lots of hard work.

This is what Whistls DS may be seeing and feeling.

High stress life and high salary is fine for those that want it and can cope with it. The best schools wil spot those that can and flex and adjust where needed.

Sorry whistl we’re not being much help - but making me think.

Do we need to get back to the important question of next title x must include Christmas and maybe much needed sleep !!

DS1 is at one of 'those' schools. Typically referred to as a 'hothouse' by outsiders.

The pace is pretty relentless but tbh they do get used to it. DS1 has pretty good stamina after nearly 10 years of it. I would imagine if you had joined this year (in 6th form) it would have been a shock.

DS2 puts the pressure on himself. He is already working too hard and we're not even at the end of the first term. He becomes quite obsessive about staying ahead and making "revision notes" on each topic before it's even been taught. Last night he was still working at 11:30. If I try to stop him, he becomes distressed.

If I try to stop him, he becomes distressed.
That would concern me TheFirst.

That’s why I was trying to say everyone’s different. Ds wouldn’t want to work at that level and wouldn’t cope but huge credit to those that can and do. I’m not knocking the schools or dc or parents that put on that pressure or strive for the top - we just need choice and recognition it’s not for everyone.