Help with saying goodbye.....

[Minnerva]

Oh well.............it had to happen......just sooner than we expected.

Lo's gran has applied for a ro and is in court today-we are expecting it to be approved as she doesn't have to jump through hoops because she is related.They don't seem bothered about the smoking-full time employment-health needs etc etc that apparently is only if you are fostering or adopting.

Lo has been with us since she was 7 days old and is now a healthier more robust 2 monther that weighs almost 8 and a half pounds-after going down to 5 pounds 2 unces.

DH and I have completely fallen in love with her-as you would-and even though we always knew that the time we had with her would be limited this is a bit of a shock for reasons too complex to go into.

I really need some advice on the handover though.Does Lo's social worker attend-will her gran be with them or will she collect her later from a department building?.

I am dreading this-especially as we had her first smile a week ago and her pleasure upon seeing me when she wakes is the most joy that I have felt in a long time......

sigh......I feel a bit rubbish now so I shall go and pack her things.

Any personal experience and/or advice would be much appreciated-thank you.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, just sympathy. Must be so so hard. I have been considering fostering for a while, but this is what puts me off, as I don't know how I could cope with one going once I've got attached to them.

Take strength in the fact that you have given her a wonderful start in life. Good luck.

Oh Minnerva, I'm so sorry I've only just seen this

What happened in court??

She has gone..........

As I put her in the car seat to send her to her gran she gave me a beaming smile and started kicking her legs as if to say 'right-where are we off to now?'

I can see now why some foster carers give up-it is heartbreaking.I know it is the nature of the beast and when training we are all made very aware that this is the hardest part of the job but until it actually happens you don't know how you will react.......and it's devastating.I think that it is such an important part of the job to completely and totally fall in love with the babies-I wouldn't be able to do it properly if I didn't-it's also important for their attachment issues-and I honestly do realise all of this but still.........my heart is grieving.

Gran has only seen her twice for a total of 3 hours since she has been born so it's like sending her to a total stranger (which I know probably sounds ridiculous.

The only consolation is that she is sooooo young that she will forget us quickly and hopefully settle down to a happy and healthy life.

DH says that we should transfer the piccies from the camera onto the computer and pick one that we both like and give it pride of place on top of the piano.Hairy sons all fell in love with her too and agree it would be nice to have a reminder.So that's what we shall do.

EMIN-I know that you have been fostering for years so wonder if the first baby is the hardest or do they all hold a special place in your heart? I think I probably answered that question earlier when I said that you have to love them all completely, in order for the job to be done properly did I not?.

We are going to have a few days off now-visit the seaside next week when DH finishes work for the term.

We learnt so much from the LO-far more I think than we gave her so I shall hold that thought and go and have another little cry.

Thank you for listening to me blather on-it does help a bit writing it down and I know there are plenty of you who have been through this countless times already and who take a deep breath,have a little cry and maybe a large glass of wine and plough on to the next one-human resilience is a powerful and awesome thing.

And I HATE the word awesome usually but in this respect it was the most appropriate word that I could think of!!.

Upmost respect to you Minnerva for doing such a hard and vital job

So sad saying goodbye... But the fact that she was able to embrace another person so easily is to your credit . Very secure baby, so you've done a great job.

Funny system though isn't it? In the USA, foster carers can adopt, and have friends who started out as foster carers, and ended up adopting several. I can see both sides of the coin. Suppose a child sometimes needs somewhere temporary to go with a family, who knows that it won't be a permanent arrangement. But at the same time, who best to look after a child as the family who has spent the most time with them.

Hi Minnerva ,I cant even begin to know what you must be feeling right now .
But you have given that little girl a fantastic few weeks and hopefully set her up for life regarding attachments .You have looked after and loved her for what mighnt be the most important few weeks of her life .
Sounds like you are doing an excellent job and i,m sure there will be plenty more babies who will benefit from spending some time with you .
By the way we are still waiting for our first placement ,may be sept now .
All the best caz x

Hi Minnerva - I'm an adoptive mum and well remember the tears of my daughter's foster mum pretty much every time I met her! The tears speak of such a deep, loving attachment. Like your little foster daughter, our adoptive child is able to make attachments because of her early experience, so you have done a great job. Try to trust that her grandma's instincts will be strong and loving. Well done to you and your DH for doing such a fantastic, vital, heroic job.

Minnerva

As I read your post I could feel the peculiar tightening in my chest that I get when I'm waiting for one of our lo's to be "collected" from us for the final time. I know just how gut wrenching it is for us each and every time.

I wish I could say it gets easier but that would be one doozey of a lie.

Actually years ago the "letting go" was getting to me badly, I think we moved 4 lo's on in as many months and I decided I was going to try what my then link worker suggested and treat it like a job.

It worked a treat

for 10 minutes

Seriously, there is no easy way or magic wand and I've said it before, the way I think of it is the price I pay for every second of joy the lo's have given me.

Take care of yourselves xxx

Thank you for the lovely and supportive replies.

I am just attempting to sort through the clothes,muslins,cot linen etc to wash and put away-trouble is I think of it as LO's stuff 'cause she was the first baby-can't seem to get my head around the fact that everything is here except for her.

Emin-thank you.I do understand what you mean by 'a price to pay' and you are absolutely right.It is worth it-it must be as you have been fostering for about 132 years now!! It's just this feeling inside me-it's sort of like an ache??.

DH is also choked up so we are united in our grief-that might sound a bit extreme but it does feel like that.

I am sure that she will be loved and cared for and we take great comfort from that-her little smiley face (Still practising at that-we were only 10 days after the first smile)as she left and her resilience at her cold turkey withdrawal tells me that she is a born fighter and will bounce back from the tough start that she had in life.

Thank you once again for the support from you lovely mumsnetters.

She will be fine-I know it in my heart.

Minnerva, I've been watching this post since the start but didn't post because I had nothing practical to offer, having never fostered a child. Now that you have had some useful advice from experienced carers, I can say my bit. I am completely in awe of people who foster and give a child the best possible start in life. I've heard that the love and attention that a child receives in the first 3 months of life has a major impact on their emotional well being forever, and what you have given that lovely little girl is the best thing anyone could possibly give her. My heart has been breaking with every difficult feeling you have written down and I just cannot stop crying at the thought of the pain you and your family must be going through.

I hope you enjoy your break at the seaside and can reflect on an enjoyable last couple of months. People like you are a blessing to society and I hope that the pain you have felt from saying goodbye still allows you to keep going with the fostering.

I have just printed the photos in Boots and my goodness the difference in Lo from when she arrived to when she left.She looked like a healthy normal baby in the later photos -no signs of the terrible withdrawal that she had gone through.She is a true wonder and we will never forget her.

Looking at them made me smile and cry a little at the same time.

But I feel better today and more positive.

And ready for the next one ........almost!!

I'm so glad you're feeling better Minnerva, I hope your next lo won't be too long in arriving.

Your post took me back almost 23 years to the time our first placement left.
He had arrived aged 8 months old, very dirty and incredibly thin with dark brown hair which, we were amazed to find after his first bath, was actually beautiful golden blond.

He was with us about 6 months and the chunky happy toddler who waved bye bye bore no resemblance to the sad little mite we had first met.

Out there a young man coming up to 24 years old has no idea what an impact he made on us all.

I pray he is happy and well today.

In a strange way these posts have encouraged me even more that fostering is the right path for us to follow, so thank you minerva for being an inspiration.
We too would like to foster little ones, believing that those first few months/years are so crucial for the rest of their life. It sounds like we will need to be well prepared for the letting go though, and Lord knows, I do get a tad weepy sometimes!!

Hope you are ok Minnerva. It must be so so hard. And good luck bottersnike. This is what puts me off fostering - I really don't know if I could take it.

Are you not allowed any contact AT ALL now then Minnerva? It sounds so harsh (and wrong) when a LO has formed an attachment with you then is suddenly placed somewhere else. Don't they do it gradually with you visiting her, to help her readjust? Sounds awful for both you AND the child.

All the best. I am approaching a similar moment myself. We have had our foster child with us for nearly 10 months and it looks like she will be going in a couple of weeks - although a slight difference as she is 12! Currently, she is working through a 'gradual' move back and spending increasingly more days with her mum! I'm so happy for her but I really will miss having her around - it's been a real pleasure! We haven't been fostering long and our previous placements were very short (one month, a few weeks here and there) and much younger.
I was slightly terrified when I heard an 11 year old girl who didn't speak very much English was on her way to us - but now, almost 10 months later, although the circumstances were absolutely rotten, I'm glad we were able to provide a safe and (I think) tranquil place for her to come back to. I think I'm really going to need to be strong over the next few weeks!

Hi, after reading all posts I know now I wouldn't be able to do fostering i dont think i would be able to let go a child after such a long time. I really admire you, being able to hire your heart for lo...such a incredible thing to do! very brave, im sure your love and support will have long term benefits for her
in terms of giving lo to parents and back...it must have been very confusing for her..hope she is happy now